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Original poster

About to turn 40 and think I’m having some kind of midlife(ish) freak out... anyone else been there?

17 replies

Midlifeargh · 04/03/2020 14:00

I’m almost 40. Largely I don’t care about ageing, I never have. But suddenly I’m starting to freak out.

I haven’t achieved any professional goals I set for myself. I don’t even know where I want to live yet. I don’t have life figured out and it’s more-or-less half over!

I’m feeling so down about it. I look so old these days (young kids), and I find my work boring and all the big work goals I have tried for having worked out yet.

I know there are lots of good things about my life and honestly - I’m thankful that I’m healthy and still here (my mother died young) - but I can’t shake the feeling that I haven’t quite got it together and I’m almost 40.

I didn’t think I’d have a freak out. But here I am. I can’t help but think my best days are behind me and that they weren’t so amazing anyway! I think I spent too much time feeling anxious or watching tv or something.

Tell me I’m an idiot and to pull myself together... or that I’m not alone!

Sorry in advance for the rant

OP posts:

Duvetstay · 04/03/2020 14:33

I have nothing constructive to say as I am in the same boat! I used to be fairly attractive and finding the loss of this really hard... I also totally underestimated how hard it would be to have a career and young dc / elderly parents and it's the career that I've let slide.

Most of my friends are over 40 and their lives aren't over so this gives me hope! Apparently the middle of ones life is the least happy as you're mourning all the things you won't do or be...as you get older you accept this and can get on with what your life actually is.

No one has it all xx

grannycake · 04/03/2020 14:35

When I was 50 I had a year where I basically thought "what's the point" and was convinced I was going to die (even though I had nothing wrong with me). At 51 it passed and now I'm 64 and still not dead yet

fluffyrice · 04/03/2020 14:43

I had something similar (oddly at 41, not 40). In the end I realised that actually I was beating myself up for not having achieved goals that were either not relevant to me now, or based on what I though I should be expected to be doing. It seemed like a melt down at the time but now I'm glad I freaked out a bit as it made me reassess what I should be doing. In my case I made some pretty big changes and I'm sure lots of people still think I'm in mid-life crisis mode but actually I'm much happier now

Original poster

Midlifeargh · 04/03/2020 14:48

duvet - yes me exactly. I definitely took a lot of my self esteem from how I looked. And my looks have vanished since having DC, which is hard to come to terms with. I wish I didn’t care

Apparently the middle of ones life is the least happy as you're mourning all the things you won't do or be...as you get older you accept this and can get on with what your life actually is. I love this - and I am going to work on acceptance!

granny - I’m so glad you got over that!

fluffy - so good that you turned it into a positive. That’s definitely the right way to approach it!

I want to try and do the same - I need to get my head straight about it all!

OP posts:

BahMooQuack · 04/03/2020 14:56

I thought that by the time I was 40 I would have my shit together.... or at least have a betetr haircut.

Neither were true. But I did change careers at 40. That was good. Can recommend it if possible.

grannycake · 04/03/2020 15:00

It was a really weird time - I think it was hormonal as I've never felt that before or since. It was like there was a little black cloud hovering over my head

GrumpyHoonMain · 04/03/2020 15:16

It’s considered a good thing to be reassessing your life while you are young enough to do something about it. A lot of people just plod on unhappily and unquestioningly and then end up have deep regrets late in life often when ill health gets in the way of them ever achieving their ambitions.

Duvetstay · 04/03/2020 15:16

Can I ask why you feel like you've lost your looks post dc? 40 isn't old and maybe just needs a bit more time and thought re exercise / outfits / hair / make up etc... I think for women who suddenly look or feel "old" it's more that they don't have the same time to invest in themselves as they did pre dc. I have a skin condition which got heaps worse last year due to stress and it feels like "this is it" for me which is sad at 39.

I also need to work on accepting that I'll never be a millionaire or super successful in my line of work and it's hard. At the end of the day I would rather have dc and dh so I need to register that I'm really lucky.

Oh, and stay off Instagram!

Original poster

Midlifeargh · 04/03/2020 16:06

Yep instagram is bad for your health! I’ve decided I should delete all social media... haven’t quite done it yet!

I suppose I now have a few lines and look a bit puffy on the face. I’m also very grey haired (but dye it) and definitely need to exercise more. Also have VERY saggy boobs and I find that uncomfortable and depressing. (There’s nothing I can do about that one, though!)

I caught myself in the mirror unexpectedly yesterday and thought “shit, I look terrible”. I know that’s not a healthy way to talk to myself!

I’ve also lost all sense of style. I don’t seem to know what suits me anymore! All I wear is leggings (again, young kids!)

Urgh sorry - I’m having a huge pity party today!

I like the idea of turning this into a positive though - reassessing my career and what I should do next, and so on, while I’m still young enough!

OP posts:

MissBridgetJones · 04/03/2020 20:43

I'm so with you @Midlifeargh!

I turned 40 yesterday- and quite frankly I have a been a miserable goat since Christmas (probably well before!)

I really thought I'd have my shit together by now - but I don't. Facing that I won't have the much longed for baby with my self imposed limit of '40 and move on'. Maybe I'm not ready to give up, but can't continue leaving like this x

Trying really hard to be grateful for what I have and not what I don't.

MissBridgetJones · 04/03/2020 20:44

Oh, and I'm hitting the Botox.

springydaff · 04/03/2020 21:00

I remember it well, the run-up to 40. Dreadful!

I felt absolutely SHIT for 6 months before, it was a hugely sensitive subject. Curiously, as soon as the birthday happened I relaxed into it somehow. Phew. Wouldn't wish that again, it was gruesome.

I finally stopped dyeing my hair (went grey in my 20s) and it actually suited me a lot. I sort of blossomed, which was rather nice. I got a lot of attention.

You have my sympathy op 🌺💐
41 is a bit of a killer - insult to injury!

Pineapplemonkey · 04/03/2020 21:09

I turned 40 last week and at least now it’s passed, I’ve stopped crying every time it’s mentioned.

Along with the rest of you, I thought I’d have my shit together as well but I couldn’t have been more wrong. On my 30th I had no doubt by 40 I would happily married to the love of my life with several children. Instead I find my self single having had my heart broken into a million different bits, twice (by the same person no less) and childless and contemplating solo IVF, once I’ve lost 6st on top of the 3 I’ve just lost.

I would say I have an alright job and earn ok money but let’s face it, I’d rather be skint and married with babies than on my own with money

40thisweek · 04/03/2020 21:56

I turned 40 this week and feel exactly the same!!! My mum also died young, she didn’t even reach 40, so I should feel happy to be here but there’s something that’s making me freak out.Maybe I just still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up!!
I’ve definitely aged in the last year or two (young kids!!) so that doesn’t help things. Hoping someone will come here with some words of wisdom!

eggstrordinaire · 04/03/2020 22:40

I am about to turn 40. I think you only feel that way because you are ready for a new challenge. Of course you will change, likes and dislikes change, but you can still feel full of life whatever your age. I just got a new job and bought a new wardrobe from marks and sparks (clearly turning 40!). 40 = stylish, happier, caring less.

Dancetherain · 04/03/2020 23:00

I'm feeling a bit like this now. I will be 40 in a matter of hours! I think some of it is down to feeling that I am no longer young. My baby days are well behind me, dc1 is in the middle of GCSEs, dc2 just about to start them even my 'baby' is growing fast.

I have to accept that at 40 this is actually my life and if I'm honest I'm not happy relationship-wise and can't really see a way out. Otherwise I'm not really bothered by my age.

I also thought I would be a 'proper' adult at 40 and that does not feel like the case anymore!!!

user48675 · 05/03/2020 20:43

It's kicked in a bit later for me (45). I get a feeling of 'is this it?' though, I am very lucky to have so much: dh and dc. I think it is more to in the realms of lack of career and the feeling that I have underachieved and that I would like to feel better connected to people. However, it is making me reassess my life and it could give me the impetus to make some changes. One of my problems is, although I am reasonably intelligent, I have anxiety issues stemming from my childhood days. I've received a lot of counselling but probably could of done with some input from a psychologist - if money were no object, I would certainly seeking some more support for my mental health. I fear having regrets...If only I'd done xyz, that sort of thing, so next year, I am going to try and face my anxiety head on a bit more.

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