I’ve posted before about this problem and received great advice, but I do have a lot of doubt and wonder if I’ve been too extreme or harsh in my reaction. I’ll try and keep it brief.
Been with DH for over 10 years. Had a DD a couple of years ago. Over the years got some unfriendly vibes from his mum, but never enough to put my finger on or tell DH about.
So since pregnancy and having DD...
- MIL didn’t respond to WhatsApp’s I sent in pregnancy. Didn’t ask or show concern despite the fact it looked likely DD would be born at 30 weeks at one point. No response to photos I posted to her of DD as newborn and DH.
- when with DD she would take her into other rooms or stand in the corner of the room with her back to the room and frantically rock and jiggle crying DD. Lots of the usual ‘isn’t she cold?’ ‘She must be cold’ ‘why don’t you want her to be warm’ comments.
- hesitate before giving DD back to me whenever asked and with a wounded expression
- when DD was 6 weeks old she sent me a long text saying that family should be a priority over friends/other engagements and she doesn’t think it should ever be an issue if family want to visit (DH had told her she couldn’t visit with her friend on a specific date). She knows that my DM has issues with extended family, so this was a clear dig at that. She sent this text to DH to ‘proof read’ before sending to me (because she knew it was an unpleasant text I think?!). He gave the go ahead because he was exhausted by her, leading to an almighty argument between DH and I when he let slip that he’d already seen the message.
- when DD was 2mo they came to visit and caused my DH a lot of upset when they complained about the surname we chose to give her (long story but basically double-barrelled and their surname comes second because it sounds better that way!)
- on holiday with them last year she made a point of always handing DD back to me if she was passed to her. Very cold and unsmiling ‘go back to mummy’. Making a point that I apparently don’t want her to hold DD.
- has complained to DH that she has only held DD x amount of times since she’s been born
- on same holiday she completely blanked me when we met them in the morning. Greeted DH and DD and just ignored my presence.
- she has left the room crying on 2 occasions when my DH has asked her to stop being so overbearing with DD
- we spoke to them about how we were finding them overbearing and intense and specific things I had found hurtful. She listened to this conversation (mainly my DH and FIL doing the talking) with an icy expression and has never apologised or offered any insight into her behaviour.
So DH now ‘sees’ all of her behaviour and agreed that we could reduce contact a lot. They were a big negative impact on our life and have really damaged by experience of the first year of motherhood.
They live 3 hours away and so they’ve been coming to visit for day trips every couple of months. We don’t want them to stay overnight, but obviously the cost of trains/petrol and the journey time for them is excessive. They’re coming soon and MIL has said lots of times that they will arrive the night before and has insinuated that they can stay at ours. DH hasn’t risen to this, as he doesn’t want them in our space for that long. But can this relationship be maintained like this? I have barely seen her since the holiday last year because I make sure I’m out for the day when they visit. But she’s on best behaviour and buying gifts for us, saying she’s done a ‘grandparenting course’ and just generally making me doubt my whole experience.
So two questions really - 1. Is it time for me to get over it and start making some effort again? 2. If not, how do we manage the issue of contact if we don’t want overnight stays?