Not really sure why I am writing this or what I hope to achieve by doing so. Maybe I hope to speak with people who have experienced similar or just understand. Maybe I like that I can be open anonymously? Who knows!
13 years ago I was raped by someone I knew. I went to the police but withdrew from reporting as in my opinion, they treated me horrifically during the exam , I went to the police the same night, I was drunk during the event so it was almost like I was automatically tarred with a brush. My mum put in a complaint at the time.
This spiralled really, and it felt like noone really believed me. Does ‘no’ not mean no if you’ve had alcohol? Does telling someone to get off or hysterically crying not indicate to stop when drunk??
I can honestly say that feeling like noone believed me was worse then the event itself. That feeling of people thinking you made this whole thing up. I was forced to see my rapist because I didn’t go through with the charge untill finally they were forced out of the environment on an unrelated issue. (Don’t want to give to much away)
I pushed the whole thing down, I never wanted to think or speak about it again. I was relieved I did not have to see him again and felt it was a fresh start. Until now, It never really surfaced.
For some reason, it’s been on my mind of recent. I don’t know what’s triggered it but I couldn’t sleep. I booked the doctors to ask for some sleeping medication and I broke down. Told him everything. I think it was actually the first time since the night it happened I said the words ‘I was raped’ He was so nice. He listened, he believed! Offered me counciling sessions and what to do etc which I am considering. On reflection I think the event has caused me some issues with myself I hadn’t quite linked together before.
Anyway, here is my biggest issue. I feel like speaking with the doctor almost opened a flood gate as at the weekend, after a few drinks, I was having a deep conversation with my DPs friend’s GF and told her. This really isnt like me. I then also had to have the conversation with my partner about it all as I was in fear he’d hear it from her or her DP.
She was lovely about it, and has text me unrelated since but i’m filled with fear she may not think it was true. Thinking why the hell did i tell her? I am thinking myself why and want to go back. I didn’t want attention .
My partner has also been lovely but I just feel so anxious now. Will people wonder why I have suddenly brought it up? And why have I now? Why can’t it just go away again. Has anyone been through this?