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Original poster

Dh has just said he wants couples counselling but I don’t.

24 replies

Nonickname1980 · 02/03/2020 21:31

I’m a bit floored tbh.

I’ve just come out of seven years of shit sleep. Dc3 is only just sleeping through. Dh hardly did any wake ups or get ups in the morning. He does fuck all in the house. I’ve been shattered. I also have anxiety which was through the roof a couple of years back due to a really bad financial situation. We’ve had a bust ups over the years but always got back on track. Never mean or cruel to each other.

He’s really let himself go over the last 18 months, doesn’t shave, let’s his hair get a mess. And it put me off him to be honest. Our sex life dried up a bit.

He has got it in his head I only slept with him when I’d had a bottle of wine on a Friday night. I’ve told him a million times that I didn’t have to get pissed to sleep with him, it was because I was more relaxed, less anxious and not as bothered about the kids walking in/waking up.

He is doing 12 hour shifts at work when he doesn’t need to and looks like shit.

I’ve just spoke to him and asked what was going on, why isn’t he looking after himself and he’s just told me he thinks he is depressed, has felt suicidal and thinks we should go and see some one together because for a year I only slept with him when I was pissed.

He’s never shown any signs of being depressed apart from letting himself go. He’s always laughing with the kids or his dad. We’ve always continued to be tender and loving to each other.

I really don’t know how to respond to this. I’m in a kind of no mans land. Is this my fault? Is this just a big cop out?

I said do you want to split up and he was emphatic he didn’t - ‘don’t want that in a million years’

I don’t know if I’m being to harsh and I should go but I feel I’m going to get the blame for him feeling shit when I felt shit myself!

What are we going to say when we are there? It will turn in to a back biting session because I’ve got loads of stuff I could say to him and I don’t think it’s helpful.

I thought with the kids now settling down we could start looking at each other with fresh eyes and maybe I’m too late?

Any advice

OP posts:

peachgreen · 02/03/2020 21:34

It sounds like you could both benefit from counselling if I'm honest. He's feeling rejected, you're (rightly!) feeling that you've been left to bear the weight of the stresses of the last few years... I think if you want to make your marriage work it would be a good idea to get some counselling.

What is it about the suggestion that has made you feel so defensive? Because that in itself would be a useful thing to work through.

MrsJemimaDuck · 02/03/2020 21:34

I’m not sure, but if he says he is depressed, you should believe him.

It sounds like you should both seek individual counselling as well as couples’—probably before you start couples counselling.

Sirzy · 02/03/2020 21:35

He is reaching out to you to help him, he is acknowledging the problems and wanting to work together to sort things.

Sounds like he is being very sensible.

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Relationship problems

BertieBotts · 02/03/2020 21:37

He wants to go to counselling because he wants to discuss things - a good counsellor won't be talking about "blame" - it will be about getting you to communicate with each other.

Wouldn't that be a good thing? It almost sounds like you want to push what you've been feeling under the rug and not ever mention it, which sounds like a recipe for disaster to me. Talking to each other is probably the best thing you can do to look at each other again with fresh eyes? And counselling will help you to do that.

Original poster

Nonickname1980 · 02/03/2020 21:42

I feel defensive about it because there have been many times I could have walked. Where he has been in the wrong. But I stuck it out because I love him and my family.

Then to hear I’ve made him depressed because he thinks i have to get pissed to sleep with him. He has lied to my face numerous times. Big whoppers.

I think that’s why I don’t believe him properly because he has lied to my face before.

He does look like crap though and that’s the only reason I think there could be some truth to it

OP posts:

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 02/03/2020 21:43

Depressed people still laugh with their kids.

Original poster

Nonickname1980 · 02/03/2020 21:51

I just think going to see a councillor will open up a can of worms. I seen a psychologist a few years back for unrelated issues and I found it really traumatic. I was in bits driving home. They will ask us uncomfortable questions then leave us to pick them apart when we’re at home

OP posts:

Gazelda · 02/03/2020 21:52

What's the alternative then?

Sirzy · 02/03/2020 21:55

So you would rather keep burying the problems? Who is that going to help?

fuckoffImcounting · 02/03/2020 21:57

Maybe you don't trust him on this and you feel that going to counselling together is about him blaming you. However, if you can get a good relate counsellor it could get you both back on track - acknowledging the hurts and the strengths and moving forward in the relationship - or not. Don't be afraid of counselling - and if you get a crap counsellor - and they do exist - just walk and find another.

Juliette20 · 02/03/2020 21:59

I think going to see your own individual counsellors would be more help at the moment. Him especially, with the depression.

YankeeDad · 02/03/2020 22:01

If the counsellor is any good then s/he should, at some point, direct the conversation towards your husband doing a bit more with the kids and around that house. If it works, then that alone might be enough to justify going, no?

Original poster

Nonickname1980 · 02/03/2020 22:10

I’m getting upset because I just think it’s a huge piss take. I’ve been way more stressed out than him over the past few years and it just boils down to sex for him. He has really hurt me in a few occasions and I know it will just turn in to a crying session. We’ve already talked and discussed it so what’s the point in taking it up?

Thanks for the replies.

OP posts:

Friendsofmine · 02/03/2020 22:16

It's not raking it up it is going to help you to unpick what doesn't work and why, how to improve how you communicate (rather than try to bury things) and it will not be a blame game.

If he posted on here I would tell him..
I'm sorry she won't go. Please go without her because you will still benefit. You may be able to improve how you work on things even if you have to put the effort in alone to begin with. Ultimately if she refuses to join you after a few months I'd say best to leave her because you can't get that far with only one of you taking constructive steps.

TheYearOfTheDog · 02/03/2020 22:20

I see what you mean OP, I think a good counsellor would HEAR you too.

You've been turning yourself inside out for years and he merrily observed that without alleviating your burden much. But now that the issue is SEXX, there must be a solution, quick!
I see why you're pissed off with him, but I don't have the same fear of psychotherapy. If he's not abusive then it could be could.

Original poster

Nonickname1980 · 02/03/2020 22:22

Friend I’m worried I’d end up annihilating him if we go. My list would be far far longer than his. We do talk about us all the time. That’s why I think it’s a piss take. I’ll have a long list of things and he will have his one word ‘sex’

I’m going to go bed. Thank you every one for replying. Had a bit of tear leakage and you were there to talk back.

Thanks

OP posts:

Macaroni46 · 02/03/2020 22:22

One thing really stood out for me "I've been way more stressed than him". For saying this you are being unreasonable. It's not a competition and it sounds like you are both stressed. I think couples counselling is a very sensible idea. I think you are dismissing how your DH feels and that's not fair. Go together. Give it a try.

bumblingbovine49 · 02/03/2020 22:23

Op,.it sounds to me like you have pretty much given up on your relationship. You seem really angry with your DH ( Probably with a lot.of justification) and you don't want to see a counselor because if you do,.you won't be able to keep a lid on your feelings. You might be right and this might be the catalyst for you to.split up but it might help and I think if you don't do something, you will certainly split up. It may take longer, but I'd guess one of you will end up having an affair down the line.

You can't bury the sort of anger you have towards your DH, you need to go through it and it might split you apart. That is definitely a risk but it is a risk whatever you do

Friendsofmine · 02/03/2020 22:26

Think it over and don't rush.

It's not about a list of issues. Our counsellor was excellent and it was not a competition- he wouldn't allow it.

Goodnight.

ohdearmymistake · 02/03/2020 22:36

If the OP doesn't want to go to counselling then she shouldn't have too.

He want's to go to get the sex sorted, you don't need to see a councillor to understand that if you let yourself go and do next to nothing at home it's hardly the biggest turn on in the world.

WarmSausageTea · 02/03/2020 22:41

If the OP doesn't want to go to counselling then she shouldn't have too.

No, she doesn’t, but it would be an opportunity for the OP to speak her mind and get everything out in the open.

Counselling might not be the answer, but it might help. Seems to me the alternative is to plod along, both of you unhappy and probably with nothing resolved.

TooTrueToBeGood · 02/03/2020 22:42

Reading your posts, the fundamental problem between the two of you is an inability to communicate. A counselor will help you do that. One or both of you may not like what that communication reveals but at leadt you will have the opportunity to address your problems. The alternative? Do nothing and let your respective issues fester like a suppurating boil until it evetually bursts.

NotStayingIn · 02/03/2020 22:47

It sounds like you don’t want to go to counselling as you fear all your built up anger and resentment and feelings will come spilling out?

But would that be so bad? Is it so bad if he knows you don’t want to have sex with him as you feel like he has let himself go? Or that you are resentful that you have carried the load solo for years.

Yes you may then break up. Or things might get better. I personally would take either of those over staying in this scenario. But it’s 100% your choice and if you don’t want to do it then don’t.

DeeCeeCherry · 02/03/2020 22:48

You've been turning yourself inside out for years and he merrily observed that without alleviating your burden much. But now that the issue is SEX, there must be a solution, quick

^This.

At the very least he needs to acknowledge why you d ont find him appealing - he opted out of the domestics of family life, let you do it all. Then became slovenly. & yet he thinks you not having sex with him is the issue. He needs bringing back down to earth sharpish, because he isn't seeing himself as part of the issues - it's all on you.

I absolutely would not go to counselling with a man like that. Individual counselling for now would be more helpful.

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