I know there is a dyspraxia thread already open on here but feel this might need a thread of its own as complex.
I have some difficulties in my life and have been wondering some things, reading about issues like dyspraxia, dyslexia etc. I know this isnt a place for diagnosis or anything but I just feel I need to get htis off my chest and don't have anyone else to talk to about this, tbh.
Myself as a child:
- couldn't catch a ball, would instinctively duck/flinch if a ball thrown
- struggled with telling time
- never learned to tie shoelaces properly (came from a family with an abusive DF so didn't feel safe to admit to being unable to do things)
- had great difficulty with socialising, didn't fit in with otehr children. shy and unsociable. preferred playing alone. bullied and teased a lot, they could sense i was different.
- not clumsy but unco-ordinated
- musical talent (did start training as a clasical singer- gave up due to health issues) but struggled with sight reading, and playing piano with both hands
- struggled with maths to the point that simple calculations very difficult, sequencing very difficult especially with numbers
- obsessive behaviour, compulsive behaviour, fixations on certain subjects.
-narrow range of interests, but obsessive about interests
-very sensitive emotionally but also very bad at understandging how I was supposed to act (social cues etc)
-Couldn't understand team sports rules
-took a long time learning to get dressed properly
- great difficulty learning how to operate mechanical/technical things. find it very hard to read diagrams.
-very frudtrated, tearful, emotional if unable to understand things
- IQ in average range. Teachers perceived me as very intelligent but I felt stupid
- although lacking in confidence in relationships when I did have my mor eoutgoing moments couldtalk on and on about certin subjects. get told I "talk at" people. Not sure what that means?
- could read fluently by 3 or 4. obsessed with books, still am!
- photographic memory (coudl memorise things written down very easily)
- cannot remember names unless they been writtend own and i read them
-forget names within seonds of being introduced to others
-have trouble recalling faces or recognisng faces unless i know them very well
- yet I am very good at reading facial expressions and empathy generally.
- black and white thinking
Me as a preteen/teenager:
- still introverted and shy but beginning to feel lonely and began to ant friends. did not trust people due to bullying and abuse
- felt had no sense of identity felt like I had to take other people's and make it my own. Did crazy things, not even so much to fit in but to feel "real" not like a hollow shell or someone with a murky sense of who they were
- same issues as childhood but by now I could tell the time.
- no concern about being fashionable- liked clothes but nver in trend and sometimes told "am too individual" and was called weird a lot.
-preferred the company of older children and adults
- not a crowd follower, and very independent in many ways (often called "her own person", "confident" "too individual" bad team player" "sociopathic" but was actually very shy and hated myself. self harmed since child, got worse in late teens
- would argue the same point again and again, Could not leave subjects alone. accused of trying to wear the other person down. tandtrums, meltdowns, couldn't cope with simple demands quite often
-got bored very easily but at same time also quite overwhelmed
Me as adult (am 38 next week)
- been told I'm intelligent and mental; health professionals and family and friends say "I am complicated" but some people tell me I am quite childlike. I feel like a child inside.
- intense social anxiety, afraid of people. actually always been like that really.
- find it hard to operate new phone or washing machine without help. get very "meltdowny" and even have panic attacks when I feel I cannot understand the instructions
- cannot read maps
- get lost very easily
I have diagnoses of OCD, Borderline Personality Disorder, anxiety, PCOS, pre-diabetes (since 20s)possible CPTSD, Functional Neurological Disorder which started after an adverse reaction to a psychiatric medication and manifests itself in muscle spasms, very tight muscles, loss of balance. Have suffered ME in the past in teens and 20s. I do not work at moment due to mental health but I a improving massively mental health wise, but have not worked since my late teens.
I am scared I won't be able to fnd work when am well. Because not only does my history count against me, but I have these "quirks" I mentioned above. can't use my degree (long story) and no longer can sing (if i improved my sight reading and piano, I could maybe teach singing though? I don't know). I rememebr my dad screaming at me when I strugl;ed to understand basic maths equations that I would never amount to anything.
Teachers at both my primary and secondary schools did mention to my parents I could benefit from some testing but my dad thought I was just lazy and playing up for attention and my mum just did what my dad said, she was scared of him, I think. I managed to get a degree in Law but it took years due to my health and I feel I am not good at it. I still hear my dad's voice telling me "I will end up working in a supermarket checkout" and that I am stupid. Did degree in Law to prove that I wasn't worthless and also since singing afected by health I did not know what else I wanted to do!