Will baby be ok sleeping with me one night, dad the next?

[Radn]

Pregnant and worried about future sleep deprivation!

DH and I sleep separately anyway as we sleep better apart. It just seems logical that we could do one night with baby each. I don't want to go out of my mind with sleep deprivation. I guess I could pump so DH has milk for baby.

I'm just wondering about the attachment side of things. Can the baby be equally attached to me and DH and be ok with him in the nighttime? I don't want the baby to be distressed at not having me there when they wake up. Bit confused about all this attachment stuff tbh.

I wouldn't fret about attachment and this sounds like a good plan. However, some women find pumping enough milk tricky, for some it's much easier to feed straight from the breast. Additionally, your baby might not settle for your DH because it's not mummy. But it's great to have a plan, just don't panic if it doesn't all go as you expect it to.

If you are intending to breast feed then night feeds and feeding on demand are essential in the early weeks to establish an adequate supply. You, as the mother, are also biologically more in tune to your baby's needs and will hear/sense them and respond to their needs long before your husband does. I would suggest in the early days that DH tries to settle baby once fed, changed and winded so that you can setle back to sleep straight away. And either look after the baby in the early eveinng if fed but still unsettled, or takes them in the morning for an hour or so for you to catch up. Please look up advice for safe co-sleeping if that is your intention too.

You could, but not to begin with as you milk supply needs to regulate. But yes after a couple of months it would be fine.
Babies don’t get cranky about being with a particular person until a few months old anyway,

I actually think that's a great idea. It means your DH needs to be able to settle the baby, and you're not necessarily the 'default parent'.

But I'm too lazy to pump and like the convenience of just sleepily attaching the baby to me for a feed rather than faffing with bottles.

Also, current advice is that having a primary feeder (whether breast or bottle) is optimal for babies. Although if you are really suffering with sleep deprivation then do whatever you can to get by, a depressed mum is probably more detrimental to a baby than having the odd feed from another person.

If you are bfing then you really need to keep the supply up. Sometimes they suckle rather than feed as they are sort of pre ordering.

What you could do is take shifts. So baby in with dad til 11pm, then he puts them into your room (you already asleep) for you to do overnights then he comes and gets the baby after a 6 or 7am feed.

What's the work situation? Will either of you be working with a newborn?

I would say pumping enough to get a whole nights feeds would be hard. Plus you'd have to wake to pump during your night off otherwise your boobs would be very uncomfortable.

Maybe pump enough for dad to do a feed late so you can get a decent chunk of sleep and/or the early feed so you can sleep on.

You'll be up pumping overnight tho op so honestly it's likely to b easier to just feed baby. I can't imagine pumping on one room and taking milk into DH to feed in another unless it was absolutely imperative.

Also unless house is huge you'll wake up when baby cries, lie there wondering if he's awake, what he's doing, why she isn't seated etc.

Could you feed and then DH do bum and settle? Could he do say from 8 til 11pm just bringing up for a feed and then 6 til 9 am? That way you get fairly even sleep
How long is he off on pat leave? Would you expect him to have baby all night on work days ("given that you can choose largely to stay home and try and nap with baby, he can't)?

Thank you, this is all really helpful! Sounds like baby with me in the beginning. That makes sense, I guess I probably won't want to be apart from a newborn anyway.

Not thinking of full co sleeping but planning on getting a co sleeping cot just because they seem easier in the night!

We both work full time and planning to share parental leave. Both off for one month, then me only for a further five and then three months for DH only after that. Maybe we could start with weekends/weeknights for the one of us that's on parental leave once the milk supply is stabilised.

I thought the advice was primary feeders - as in mum and dad, or whatever family set you have. My understanding was that it’s best to keep it to just parents, as opposed to grandparents, friends, cousins etc.

Try not to worry op. Sleeplessness is hard but you do adapt. Newborn babies often do want to be near you, so may not separate and settle easily.

If you are planning on breastfeeding then night time feeding is crucial as it’s when your body produces the most hormone to stimulate your milk supply. It takes 6 or so weeks of feeding to establish your supply, so whilst hard, the night time feeds are necessary. Nap lots, get your partner to make tea, bring biscuits, settle baby after the feed.

After that you do have more freedom, though because your baby usually feeds at points through the night your breasts will make milk then. I’m bf a 4 month old and I certainly can’t go all night without feeding or pumping.

I hope this info doesn’t put you off, but kits builds a picture of what to expect. I’m tired and sometimes the feeding drives me mad, but it’s also a really wonderful, bonding experience with my baby. He’s so sweet and peaceful in the night after a feed and I’m pleased I’m not messing around with bottles.

Best of luck

Thank you all also for your time-chunking suggestions, that sounds like it is coming from experience and in truth probably we will end up doing something like that if pumping is so tricky. We have a tiny house so will definitely hear the baby either way anyway.

I had this plan before DC, then when she arrived I found out that only I would do, and she would not settle for anyone else (because they didn’t have my breasts). I had intended to pump after the initial few weeks but despite breastfeeding well, I’ve never been successful at pumping. It takes so long to get the required amount that I’d rather just be woken a few times each night to let DC latch on and then doze back off next to them.

One other thing to consider is that my DH very rarely hears DS in the night - I don't know if it's a mother thing (which I'm not convinced about) or just DH being a bit useless but he genuinely doesn't hear him. We shared nights but I always had to wake him up to get him to deal with DS.

In my opinion, absolutely fine having baby sleep in bed with you. Its so important that you don't smoke or drink alcohol and same goes for partner. Feed baby on demand for night feeds... Hormone released to help you go back to sleep and the milk is good for baby while you are resting. Important to keep a glass of water bedside bed. My tip, hand baby over to dad after feed round 6am and enjoy a nice hour or 2 of sleep... baby free... Especially if you are working. 😀

But I actually didn’t go too mad with sleep deprivation. I used to give baby a big feed around 7pm and then DH used to watch the baby in the early evening whilst watching a film and I’d get some sleep then, then we’d swap over when baby woke for the next feed at around 9:30-10ish, then I’d do the night shift and he would take over again in the morning so I could have a lie in.

It’s so much easier to feed straight from the breast than pump. Plus you will get really engorged if you don’t feed overnight, and as others have said, night feeds are actually really important in terms of supply and the composition of the milk. www.kellymom.com has lots of useful info on all the specifics.

It would also be a lot more faff for your DH to do the feeds - you’d have to keep the expressed milk in the fridge, pump more than you think he’d need, he’d have to trot downstairs to the fridge each time, get a bottle, come upstairs, the baby probably wouldn’t be very impressed at cold milk etc etc. And babies don’t necessarily just feed, sleep for 3 hours, feed, sleep for 3 hours - then can sometimes be up several times, often without a consistent pattern of longer gaps, and it’s sooo much easier to give them a feed each time. I don’t know how you manage that with expressed bottles - if you’re planning to BF, that really is the most straightforward option.

It’s pointless. You will wake up with breasts full of milk and will need to empty them either into a baby or into a bottle. It seemed stupid for me to sit awake pumping while DH gave a bottle in the other room. It was more time consuming than just feeding directly.

If you’re breastfeeding then you’ll either need to feed or pump through the night for a long time - not just for supply but to prevent engorgement, mastitis, or waking up in a puddle of milk. My twins couldn’t BF so I pumped and my supply was always crappy - I pumped every 2 hours round the clock until they were 7 months old and still had to supplement. Picking them up and feeding them would have been easier! It’s highly unlikely your partner will be able to do whole nights if you’re breastfeeding/pumping, and you’d have to wake up anyway. But you could sleep in shifts, have him bring baby to you for feeds in the night for example, then let you sleep until the next feed while he changes the baby and settles them back to sleep (hopefully!)

It's sounds lovely in theory: The issues I would have had was:

1. Pumping-never got enough to feed overnight . Produced massive amounts of milk (gold top I think it was) but pumping was always pathetic.
2. In the early days I would have got engorged overnight and been really uncomfortable by the morning.
3. Dh didn't wake as easily as I did. I was told by the MW that when you're bfing then your body responds quicker to crying. So I'd have woken anyway. I'd probably have had to go and kick dh awake too
4. It was actually a bit of a bargaining tool. I used to claim Saturday afternoon to sleep. He felt guilty at not doing night times, so would take baby off for a couple of hours so I could sleep. Bliss!
5. With dd1 and ds (not dd2 because she was a terrible sleeper) I did actually enjoy the night feeds. Dd1 gave me her first few smiles at night-dh had to wait to get one.
6. It meant that if I did (dd2-looking at you) wake dh and say that he needed to take the baby because I was too exhausted/they were ill/I was ill etc dh would immediately get up because he knew I only did that when I had to.

The other thing is that your milk supply is effected by the feeding, including timing. So when mine stopped feeding overnight (6 weeks for dd1, 20 months for dd2, 8 weeks for ds) the production of milk dropped overnight so I didn't wake engorged. I'm not sure how that would work with doing every other night.

Your baby is likely to prefer you at night. The great thing about cosleeping is that you can feed the baby while asleep/half asleep. If you pump you will get less sleep.
Look into feeding lying down - if you can do that the sleep isnt that bad because you don't need to get up to feed. You can share the load with your partner in other way - e.g. he could do nappy change duties, bring you snacks etc.

Both off for one month so I'd time chunk for the first month and sleep when you need to for both of you.

then me only for a further five so I'd do smaller time chunks so DH gets a longer sleep in the week but you get a lie in weekends
and then three months for DH only after that and then swap above for his leave. You might want to think about if you want to continue bf once back at work, practicality of pumping etc.

Lots of people have offered alternative ideas, but just wanted to pop on to say that your original idea should be fine from an attachment perspective. We have baby twins, DH and I take one each at night, but the following night swap so that they don't get used to only one of us. They're fine with it and equally comfortable with either parent.