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Original poster

Can't decide about a second baby

19 replies

PumpkinPie2016 · 01/03/2020 15:30

Aarrrgh! Literally, I am going around in circles.

I am 33 and my husband is quite a bit older than me but very healthy and fit. We have a 6 year old son who was conceived easily.

For ages, I was very much a 'one and done' person. My pregnancy was fine but labour was very long and endes up with an emergency c-section under GA. Luckily, we were both fine (although I was a bit shocked lol). DS wasn't the easiest of babies - looking back nothing out of the ordinary but didn't sleep much until 18 months so we were tired and the shock of being new parents made it tough

Now, he is settled in school and things are pretty good.

We are exceptionally lucky to be financially secure so no worries there but I work full time in a demanding job. DH is mainly at home now which he wasn't first time round.

Anyhow, every now and then I just keep thinking 'should we have another?' Obviously, there are no guarantees but all being well. My friend has just announced her 3rd pregnancy and I am thrilled for her but will admit to feeling slightly resentful (I am not proud of these feelings and would never show it to my friend), but it has brought all these feelings backSad

It's driving me mad. I keep thinking 'why disrupt a relatively peaceful life and go back to the baby stage' but it keeps niggling at me. DH would likely be happy either way.

Has anyone else been through this? What did you decide and did it work out?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 01/03/2020 15:36

I would say a 7+ age gap is like having 2 "only" children. They may adore each other etc but as one is old enough to love going to the playground etc the other will be getting too old.

It's only a decision you can make.

Sometimes it doesn't matter how many DC you have you get twinges of "what about another..." then around 40 many women get a very very strong urge for more babies, I swear it's hormonal as it's your last few years of being likely to be able to conceive.

Tough decision Thanks

Original poster
PumpkinPie2016 · 01/03/2020 15:38

Yes, that's certainly something to consider RandomMess.

There's nearly 6 years between me and my older brother and we have always been very close and played together as children but there is, of course, no guarantees.

Lots to think about.

OP posts:
LittleBoyJuly2020 · 01/03/2020 15:39

I'm 19 weeks pregnant with my second... My first child is 20 years old so a little different to your situation but I really struggled with deciding on whether to start all over again a second time after having a very peaceful and relatively carefree life.

After some time I decided to have a second baby, I'm 37 and my future felt a little empty thinking of just working and living for myself. After a very hesitant start to the pregnancy (happened quicker than expected) I am now thrilled with my choice and looking forward to starting again.

I would say life is good and fairly easy with one. But they grow up so quick and you may be left with a pang of regret. I hope you find the best decision for you and your family Smile

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Original poster
PumpkinPie2016 · 01/03/2020 15:41

Wow Littleboy - congratulations!!

OP posts:
Needallthesleep · 01/03/2020 15:44

I spent ages on here reading the ‘should I have a second baby’ threads (there are so many people who have had the same thoughts if you google it!). I read a really beautifully written piece that described my feelings perfectly (I.e. I would never be truly comfortable with either decision). We ended up making the decision based on the idea we would regret the things we didn’t do more than the things we did do. I’m 7 weeks pregnant.

www.scarymommy.com/finally-decided-whether-to-have-second-child/

SapphosRock · 01/03/2020 15:45

I'm about to have my 2nd and there will be a 5 year age gap. I was on the fence for ages and in the end decided I was more likely to regret not having another one than having one.

I also think having siblings is lovely. I know there is no guarantee they will get on well but if they do there is no bond like it.

I won't lie I'm anxious about the sleepless nights ahead! And going through weaning, potty training and teething again.

Antihop · 01/03/2020 15:47

I'm in a similar position op except I'm 42. Dp and I never had firm plans for a second but I had periods of desperately wanting to. However, until recently we were not able to ttc without putting ourselves in a very financially difficult position. Dd is 5 and we're now in a position where we can just about afford another. So we're trying. But we know our chances are not good.

This is my suggestion. Start ttc. Then when you get your period, see how disappointed you feel.

3timeslucky · 01/03/2020 15:49

I would say a 7+ age gap is like having 2 "only" children

Not really. They have a different relationship to two children with a smaller gap but they're not "only" children. As kids they have a bond and relationship and as adults the bond and relationships are still there, and they have the benefit of being there for each other when there are illnesses or deaths of parents. I realise that not all children have a bond, but I wouldn't write off the bond between "wide gap children" any more than I would "small gap children".

OP if the niggle is there explore it. I always thought we'd just have two but got "the niggle". It didn't go away and I'm very glad I listened to it. Once we had our third child there were no more niggles: to me that was the proof that I really was "done". Best of luck with your decision.

RandomMess · 01/03/2020 16:01

I wasn't meaning from a bond point of view only a practical one. You do one set of activities with older child and often completely different with the younger one that sort of thing. Different childcare needs etc.

I have 8 years between youngest and eldest and they have always been a notably different life stages. Less of an issue with the 5 year gap.

Many of the adult siblings with super close bonds are actually the ones where there is a much larger age gap.

3timeslucky · 01/03/2020 17:19

Ah ok I see what you mean. I also have an 8 year gap between oldest and youngest (with one in between). I've found their interests are different down to their personalities and sexes and activities are often divided along ages (often a narrow 2 year band) so I don't think it would have been much different if they were closer in age. Without being flippant the big age gap comes in very handy for baby-sitting these days (though finding a film everyone wants to see can be challenging, but not impossible).

EmrysAtticus · 01/03/2020 17:27

I have had these thoughts too OP (DS is 4) but have decided one is definitely best for us. Anecdotal I know but the vast majority of people I know who find parenting hard and complain about it (a frequent conversation in the staffroom at work) have more than one. Of course I do know parents with more than one who are very happy with that but by and large the people I know with one tend to have easier lives.

Adelais · 01/03/2020 17:39

This was me last year. I’ve been undecided about having a second child since my first child who is almost 7 was born. Life was easy with one but I was worried I’d regret not having another. In the end we decided to go for it and dd2 is 3 weeks old :). It’s early days but I feel it was the right decision and I’m glad I can finally stop the constant thinking about a second and move on with life!

Chinks123 · 01/03/2020 18:06

This was our dilemma op, and we decided to go for it. Dd was 5 and had started school, amazing sleeper etc so my friends thought I was mad but I always knew I wanted two, we just couldn’t afford another earlier.
It took almost a year to conceive which was a shock as I fell pregnant very quickly with dd, so she was 6 by the time her baby brother was born.

It’s been..an adjustment Grin they’re completely different as babies, I was expecting another great sleeper but ds is terrible! He wakes up every hour, so I’m exhausted, but

It was the best thing we’ve ever done. We all absolutely adore him and I’m so glad we did it. It’s a bit hard to switch between homework/gymnastics club/7 year old mum to nap times/nappies/teething mum but I love it, and they have a great bond.

HP2345 · 01/03/2020 18:51

I've not long had my second, he's now 5 months and my daughter has just turned 4. It's hands down the best decision I've ever made, but I could have easily gone the other way and stuck with one. Watching them together melts my heart, they absolutely adore each other. That may change but I'm in blissful denial at the moment.

I was dreading the baby stage again but I'm loving it this time round as I'm so much more relaxed and maternity leave gives me so much more time to do everything.

It's a very personal decision though. Only you know if you genuinely want two children in your life.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 01/03/2020 19:32

I would say a 7+ age gap is like having 2 "only" children
This
They will of course love eachother and play with eachother at times and once adults the age gap wouldn’t matter, but for me the gap would be hassle when children. The kids would do such different activities, and be at such different stages.
However if you want another baby OP go for it. Do you want a baby a toddler a preschooler again?

jadey0885 · 01/03/2020 19:37

Hi OP

I have to daughters that are 6 years apart. I found it hard to conceive with my second one.
I say give it a try if you both really want one.

All the best

glitterbiscuits · 01/03/2020 19:39

I'm an only child and I always hated it. I hate it still. It would have been lovely for a sibling to reminisce with or to help with elderly parents.
While I know the isn't a guarantee siblings get on there is a good chance it could have been great,

Yellowpath · 19/04/2020 21:55

I would have another too. I currently think this I have one aged 5. My worry is I’m not with anyone and it will be too late I’m 29. I never planned a gap! Or the increasing chance of just 1 if I could take it back I would have twins!! My siblings are gaps of 3 years, 10 years & 13 years. I think it’s nice for kids to play together also if that doesn’t pan out usually in adult life hopefully they will bond.
The only thing I tell myself if that my child has been lucky to travel & go to nice places.

Mammy1987 · 27/03/2021 00:23

We were so undecided but went for it and I can honestly say it's the best thing we ever did! Never did I picture myself with 2 children but I love it. I wish you all the best xx

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