Anyone with really anxious/ worried child? What helped and how did it turn out?

[parrotonmyshoulder]

Hoping for reassurance from parents of older children who’ve been through this, or ideas and solidarity from others going through it!
My DS (7) is going through a really anxious phase. He’s never been hugely outgoing and has had other periods of separation anxiety and fears. Not a risk taker by any means - doesn’t like to climb, can’t yet put his head back in the water when swimming, nervous of cycling down hill as examples.
At home (normally) he’s loud, bouncy, sings, dances etc.
Very reserved at school from what I can tell.
Anyway, for a few months now, but definitely worsening over the last few weeks, he’s been really anxious at home. Not sleeping unless DH or I stay in his room till he falls asleep, talks about being worried or scared about... everything. He says ‘everything’ but sometimes specifies eg storms, wind, lightening, floods, illness (Coronavirus and motor neurone disease tonight - neither have been discussed in our house!). He refused to eat dinner tonight in case it was ‘poisoned’.

I am meeting his teacher on Monday but any concerns I’ve expressed before have been dismissed (friendship difficulties/ writing worries/ assembly performances etc).

Our strategy is to ride with it really - I’m sitting in his room now. It feels more right than leaving him to be afraid. He’s talking more about what his worries are, and actually has not wet the bed as much in the last few weeks since he’s been more expressive about his fears - might not be linked, but could be.
Any thoughts, suggestions or great stories about how your children were like this and are now...not?

Watching with interest my 7yo is anxious boy.

It’s hard isn’t it.

Watching here too and sending 💐. It's hard isn't it?

Would really recommend the book “What to do if you worry too much.”

We found this hugely helpful. It sounds harsh but we found not always allowing them to talk about their worries whenever they wanted really helped. The book explains it more clearly but in nutshell by letting them go over and over their worries it essentially allows them to dominate and grow. Instead distractions, exercise etc are recommended with worries only allowed to be discussed in a certain slot each day.

We found encouraging our child to experience some anxiety inducing situations rather than avoid them really helped. The less choices she has the less anxious she was. It did take a few years and was tough but things have improved.

Hope this helps.

Following with interest, I have a 10 year old dd who has started with anxiety problems over the last few months and now things are escalating and ruling her day to day life. Going to order that book now!

Oh and like OP we had the same anxieties being told to us including disease and the poisoned food. It was an awful time so I really do feel for you but it can get better.

I'd recommend the useful book by Cathy Creswell called 'helping your child with fears and worries'. It's based on CBT principles and is brilliantly easy to implement.

Watching this thread. Younger family member going through the same thing and I'm actually quite sad for him and his mum.

My ds7 is the same, especially at bedtime. We have 3 McDonald’s ty toys that currently stand in for Mexican worry dolls: he tells them a worry (or 3!) each at bedtime and then they sleep under his pillow to mind his worries until morning. Works for him. I do similar by writing lists on my phone to stop things playing on my mind overnight.

If talking and getting his fears out are helping slightly could he start writing them down and putting them in a worry box/toy? You can get the toys from places like the works but can easily make a box from something like a cereal box making it a fun activity. There's a book that you can read before starting this too I think it's called the worry box which can help him connect his behaviour to the characters and explore coping strategies.
He's also clearly learning about some things such as the Coronavirus from somewhere, so maybe it'd be a good idea to talk to him about current things going on in the country/world in regards to serious illnesses and storms that way you can teach him the facts rather than him hearing it from his mate jimmy who has only said "loads of people are getting ill from the Coronavirus and are dying".
Is he happy to be in his bedroom during the day? If it's a monsters under the bed thing could monster spray and if you can afford it a bed without an underneath such as a divan work?
Obviously you don't want him to be terrified at night but possibly sending him into his room after the brushing his teeth to get himself into bed and wait for you for a nights, then sending him in and getting him to read a story to himself before you come in to read him a story, then cutting down the time just before he falls asleep such as as he's on the brink of sleep saying you need to go to the loo but you'll be back, then explaining you're going to the loo then need to do something but you'll check on him once he's asleep?
Meditation videos and calming music or natural sounds like waves could help him relax at night. Possibly do some meditation with him as he's lying in bed by doing the whole "close your eyes and just relax, now concentrate on your toes and how they feel against your socks/duvet and sheet, now your legs and how cosy your pyjamas bottoms feel against them" etc.
I'm not saying you don't, but the main thing is validating that his fears are real to him, but also reassuring him that they're irrational and nothing to actually worry about. So the poisoned food, let him help prep all food so he can see exactly where it's coming from, what's being done to it, that everything the food is touching is clean, how you dish it up. If it's a fear about a storm show him the weather predictions, keep him up to date with what's going to happen ie if there's a flood close by tell him but also explain that it isn't going to hurt him if he doesn't go near it. If it's a fear about new illnesses/bugs going around the school/something like appendicitis that a friend has had then get up the nhs website to show him the facts about it and how to prevent it and what happens if you do get it but how it can be treated/he can get better.
It's so hard having an anxious child and I really hope some of these suggestions help!

M y dd is a couple of years older but developed very bad anxiety which started affecting her life and she wouldn't go anywhere without me, couldn't go to sleep on her own etc. We started reading Starving the Anxiety Gremlin together which seemed good but then even reading the book became too stressful for her.
Eventually I found a hypnotist who treated children for anxiety and it has been amazing. She isn't 100% and I suspect will always be a worrier but after the session it was like a weight had been lifted and things improved so much.
It might not be for everyone but it honestly changed dd's life for the better.

Thank you all for the lengthy and thoughtful advice above. I do a lot of it already so it’s good to have what I’m doing validated. I have ordered one of the recommended books and we will work through it together.

Your DS sounds just like DS2 who is now 16. His anxiety started age 7 and from what I read it is linked to a development stage when their imagination and the reality of mortality sinks in.
We had years of it and it was really wearing, he saw CAMHS on 3 occasions over the years, twice for CBT with a psychologist and last year with a family psychotherapist.
Something has shifted over the past year and he hasn't mentioned feeling anxious for nearly a year now.
I wish I could tell you what caused the change but maybe a combination of all the approaches over the years. But he is a different boy now so it doesn't mean that it can't be overcome but in my experience it takes a while and is very hard work.

I had this with my DS, very anxious about everything, not sleeping, going to the loo umpteen times before bed because he was anxious about wetting the bed (he wasn't a bed wetter, so I don't know where that particular anxiety came from), overtired and stressed.

I tried various things, but what worked for us was two things. Firstly, any time he felt anxious he agreed to talk it through with me. I was able to reassure him about things, talk to the teacher if it was school-related and something she could help with, or we'd agree a plan of action so he could fall asleep feelings reassured. Secondly, I bought some Rescue Remedy pastilles and any time he felt anxious he could suck on. God knows if there is anything active in them, but regardless, the action of sucking a sweet and knowing it would make him feel better worked. He still (aged 12) has periods of anxiety (starting secondary last Sept was a big one), but we still use those two techniques - talk/reasoning/breaking down problems into things that can be solved, and the pastilles.

You might also want to try relaxation CDs/podcasts/meditation/mindfulness - lots of options - they didn't really work for my DS, but they might work for yours.

Watching with interest as 7 year old DD very Similar at the moment. She constantly wants to be on me or near me. Finding it quite tough at the moment.

Our DS is so similar I am heartened this isn’t unusual - down to exactly the same anxieties. DS’s anxieties can be very hidden so it can be hard to get teachers to understand how seriously a trigger can affect him as a very real fear can to others look like an unexpected reluctance to go to school, or negativity even to us if I haven’t realised what is going on. It’s in fact almost always down to worrying about contagion if he’s heard someone’s been sick , etc

Certainly seems more common than I’d thought. I’m meeting school tomorrow but as he doesn’t let his worries out there, I don’t think they’ll take me seriously. I’ve had to talk to them before over things like films, animations, gruesome history facts - always after the event though so they’re sorry to have upset him but it doesn’t change how he is affected. I know I come across as thinking that he’s a precious snowflake, but he is clearly very sensitive and takes life very seriously at the moment.
When he’s not anxious, he’s a raging ball of fury! All aimed at me!

Well done talking to them and I think you sometimes have to spell it out how much it affects him- I have been and also seeing a professional soon to try and help DS’ anxiety as I think it’ll be safer if he can learn to deal with it himself too.
In our case I suspect DS has autism and wonder if anyone else too and if there’s a link. Either way it can be overwhelming and I long for warmer weather when it tends to ease for DS as he’s so sparky and happy I just wish his anxiety would lift

Dd went also went through extreme anxiety, not so much at school , mostly at home. We had 10 CBT sessions that really helped. She's 14 now and it's no longer a problem luckily.

@parrotonmyshoulder I know this is a very old thread but I was wondering how is your DS now?

@Lolathepanther
It was a bit of a shock to me to read this 2020 thread.
DS is now 12. I can’t say he’s changed much at all! He worries at night but is sleeping on his own. He doesn’t express his worries verbally anymore - it was surprising to me to remember that he used to - but behaves in ways that show his anxiety, like repeated questions, panicky rushing, not eating breakfast, seeking sameness, avoiding (or trying to avoid) new things or things he might not like.
His year at secondary has been mixed. Teachers report good work and engagement, but he expresses dislike of it and isn’t making friends. End of term was better though and he enjoyed activity week.
He’s seeing a counsellor and has had about 6 sessions. This is going quite well I think and he’s able to open up about his worries in a way he won’t at home.
I don’t know what I wish I’d done differently. Probably nothing. I’m learning to accept that it is his personality and try to let go of some of the worry about it myself. Counsellor is helping him to recognise and be proud of his successes, which he struggles to accept from us.
Thank you for asking. Are you experiencing similar?

Thank you for your message, it was a long shot, didn't think you'd come back :).

Sorry to hear you DS is still experiencing anxiety and hope the counselling will help long term.

My DD (6) has recently started showing signs of anxiety which comes as a total shock as until recently she was not (or so we thought) an anxious child: school anxiety, holiday camp anxiety etc. And seems to get anxious about the slightest thing that goes wrong. So I've been reading and trying to find answers on MN. I suspect her anxiety is only going to get worse as she grows.

It's a shock for us as she was always a very very confident child, very bubbly, very friendly, very active, very happy. We can't understand what's going on and how to help her 😔

It’s so hard to see them, isn’t it? Lots of resources online that are really good, if your DD will engage. My DD will more readily talk about her worries and wants me to help problem solve. DS is a different story. He’s been anxious since, I’d say, age 3, so it didn’t come out of the blue so much. I have had so much counselling myself to help me cope with it! That’s helped most of all I think, helping me to learn to stay calm and not take on his worries myself.
Today it’s massive anxiety about his best friend coming for a sleepover as ‘we might not have anything to do’. Of course, reason doesn’t help - they ALWAYS have plenty to do and it’s hard to separate them the next day! I’ll help him make a list later of things they can do if they run out of ideas. But I think this is about having had a few days without socialising and ‘forgetting’ how much he enjoys his friend.
School is really stressful. Holidays are hard too as he’s always needing reassurance about what’s next, what we’re doing etc!

Having a hard night tonight. My ds is 12..literally his birthday today, and it all ended so sad. Be had anxiety eversince he was little and it progressively got worse..
He will hit and kick his brother to wake up when he gets scared and that has a effect on the entire family, since there will be crying and yelling and peacekeeping talks going on at what hours of the night. It is so so hard as a mamma of 5 with ill kids, kids on the spectrum and the list goes on.... Just feeling a little out of breath here...

@Dmamma
I’m sorry to hear about your hard day. Poor DS. Birthdays have always been really stressful for mine too. And the provoking of siblings is another similarity.
I hope you can find some way to feel better yourself tonight. Breathe, remember what you love about him. Thinking of you.

Updates pls from parents of anxious children ? Pls pls