Nearly 30 and no friends

[BeeBee1980]

I really feel like there is something wrong with me. I am 28 and don’t have many friends, I would say only 2 really.

I have a very supportive and loving fiancé who is my best friend but I really miss having female friendships and people to have fun with outside of our relationship.

I was badly bullied in primary school and ever since then, and ever since I can remember, I have always struggled to hold onto friendships. I also get incredibly nervous and intimidated by other women, I think this also stems from being bullied. I have always been able to strike up a conversation with people and probably seem to be confident on the outside but past that initial contact I just fall apart and don’t know what to do, or how to behave. I completely go into myself when I am faced with groups of people too. I can seemingly make casual friends or acquaintances but seem incapable of making anything deeper or longer term than that. I feel incredibly self conscious and terrified to speak when in groups or even individually, if I do speak I end up worrying all day about and dissecting everything I’ve said in fear that people will think I am weird which puts me off even more from attempting to talk to people. I feel like I’ve got to the point now where I am incapable of making any new friends, like it’s got out of hand and become such an issue in my mind that I just isolate/push people away/seem stand offish.

I am getting married soon and feel very depressed when I think of the lack of guests I have and don’t even really feel like having a hen party because I feel ashamed of my lack of friends.

I feel like I am a good and very caring person and I’m very loyal. I just don’t know whether I have something clinically wrong with me or I’m incredibly introverted or just not a likeable person. Maybe I just care too much.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this but just feel like I need to talk about it without feeling judged or embarrassed.

I just don’t know whether I have something clinically wrong with me or I’m incredibly introverted or just not a likeable person.

None of these I should think

I was badly bullied in primary school and ever since then, and ever since I can remember, I have always struggled to hold onto friendships. I also get incredibly nervous and intimidated by other women

That sounds like the reason OP. Can you get some counselling maybe?
It's not your fault that you were bullied and it's not surprising it has left you feeling nervous around women.

Having said that, its not unusual at all to not have many friends.

So I think there's nothing 'wrong' with you. With some help you can improve the situation and make new friends.
Good luck OP

Definitely agree with trying to access some counselling to work through the bullying.

I would also suggest, when the time is right, to consider joining some clubs or groups. It's a good way of striking up conversation as you're all interested in the same things. It takes a while but as an introvert I do find the common ground helpful.

I think it's a difficult age, I can count on one hand the amount of new genuine friends (other than acquaintances/colleagues) I have made since leaving uni many moons ago.
I don't have children, but my friends who do have children seem to have a lot more friends than I do because I assume they come into contact and hang around with other women of similar age, who have children.
Hopefully (if you want children) you will make more friends that way?

Re the hen-do, can you have a more 'exclusive' style celebration eg a city break, spa weekend or posh restaurant (or similar to suit your budget) where you don't need a gaggle of friends?

I didn't really have real adult friends until i had children, from Mums group and then meeting other mums at school in the school yard. No friends from childhood made it very far into my 20's. Sounds like you have some social anxiety, which i can completely relate to and to be honest i struggled with this well into my 30's..its only in my 40's now that im more accepting of my limitations and am totally ok with saying No to invites and social situations i know i wont be comfortable in, and have found friends that accept me the way I am. Give it time! :-)

@BeeBee1980 I read your post and I could pretty much have written most of it. I have actually been thinking about starting a post about it recently.

I am older than you and have a great Husband and two children and most of the times I am ok with that but sometimes I get this feeling that it would be nice to have more than that and female friends to meet for a chat or a coffee but I don't have any.

Again I was bullied too by a group of girls and it really has had a long term damaging effect on me. When I think to myself what is the root of your problem? It all stems back to being bullied, even though it was 20 years ago it still is very fresh to me.

I like you would describe myself as kind, caring and loyal. We sound very similar, so much of what you wrote resonates with me. I don't know the answer though either.

The first time I got married, I was about your age and I allowed myself to be talked in to having a hen night by my two sisters-in-law to be. It was not my sort of thing and I didn't enjoy it. Felt much the same as you: that I didn't have friends and didn't know how to get them.

Fast forward nearly twenty years and I am more comfortable with who I am. I have two or three friends, who I see about once a month, and loads of acquaintances to have superficial regular chats with. I got married again last week - no hen party, almost no guests - just the way I wanted it!

I think my advice would be: accept that it's going to take time to build friendships, enjoy the level of contact with people you've already got and look for opportunities to build more.

I'm trying to make new friends because I feel like I've not got any either, so hard at this age! I'm Manchester way if you're any where near by?

What everyone else says above. I doubt there is anything wrong with you, you are suffering the emotional consequences of some difficult times when you were younger.

Have you read about 'emotional boundaries'? When you put too much weight on what other people think, it might be that your emotional boundaries are weak or non-existent. You have no emotional protection from the verbal arrows other people may throw at you so you avoid them instead. Counselling can help with this, or there are some good resources online.

Agree with PP, there is nothing wrong with you. I'm the same. 30 and no actual female friends. I'm thinking of joining gym classes or something like that, it's quite hard to meet people outside of work.

I'll be your friend yours too, @baubled

Thank you very much everyone for your kind and balanced advice. It’s really helped just getting it all out and hearing from people who don’t know anything about me. Sometimes you think people are just saying what you want to hear so it’s nice to hear this from strangers. I am definitely thinking of therapy, and have done for a long time but just never felt ready to open up but I do now. I guess this was the first step. Isn’t it so sad how much childhood experiences effect us? This has been going on for nearly 20 years!

I’m also very sorry to hear that I’m not alone in feeling like this. I really struggle on a daily basis with how I feel and so I send kind thoughts and hopes for everyone that they can start to feel better from the advice above

I can totally relate, and I suspect maybe many people feel the same but hide it under a veneer of popularity? I too have a husband and two lovely children, but virtually no friends. There are a few people I meet on occasion but I usually wonder what I’m doing there and feel like they’d feel more comfortable if I wasn’t. I really don’t know the answer, but I’d love to find out how to make lasting, meaningful friends...

I can relate to this too. Apart from I don't know where my social anxiety stems from but I find it crippling. I'm 32 and don't really have any friends outside of work. I'm not in contact with anyone from school, college or uni. I had a very small wedding and told my family it was because that's what I wanted. The truth was I didn't have anyone to invite. I didn't have a hen do but I was pregnant so used that as an excuse when people asked me.

I struggled on maternity leave and forced myself to go to baby groups but that didn't work out for me either. There seemed to be cliques there already and they didn't seem to like it when I approached to talk to them. One group even got up and moved away when I sat on the mat with my baby next to them. I could have cried.

DH is the opposite and is still friends with people from school when they were 4 years old which I think is so lovely.

I want to move to being self employed but worry I'll become even more of a recluse if I do.

Sorry, I don't have any advice. Just to let you know that you're not alone.
(@baubled 🙋‍♀️ if you see someone avoiding all eye contact and interactions with people in Manchester it'll probably be me!)

@totesawks Hi! If I see anyone doing that I'll come say hey, I wonder how many people I'll get through who think I'm crazy!