Dh in denial about dmil breast cancer

[Heartbreaker83]

Dmil was diagnosed with Breast Cancer a while ago. This was a big shock to the family as expected. She has other ailments and this seems have added to it, but this is become something no one talks about and life has just continued has normal.

I will always ask when I see her how she is and she will sometimes share some info but not much and I don’t want to pry. I know she is taking a tablet of some sort in place of chemo. DH doesn’t talk about it full stop. If there is anything on the tv about cancer then he switches it off, I know it’s because he’s fearful. If I ever ask him how she is doing he will say fine and will say he doesn’t want to talk about it because it makes him sad, which I do understand. but I think it would be good for him to open up a bit about how he is feeling as it happening.

I’m a bit worried about Dh because he in general likes to bottle things up and it take a lot to get him to open up, but I feel like this illness of his mums is something he should at least try to understand and be a bit closer to her. I think maybe I’m pushing him because if it were someone close to me I’d want to be closer to them
And understand it more and see how I can support in anyway, and ultimately thinking that should the worst happen we supported all we could? But maybe that is just me I don’t know.

Just wanted to see if anyone has been in a similar situation or can offer any advice?

Same here but with my FIL.
He was diagnosed with prostate cancer some years ago and both DH and FIL have out their heads in the sand. There has been many surprised questions along the lines of ‘why am I still taking those hormonal treatment with so and so have stopped long ago?’ Well that will be because the cancer was already terminal when he had surgery ....

Things are down hill now (cancer spread to the Liver, bones and lungs) but still no acknowledgement from either of them.

I let it go. You can’t make people see what is going on if they dint want to. And I’m hoping that this means they might both have enjoyed that time more wo the ‘knowledge‘ FIL won’t recover.
In my case, I do talk to my MIL quite a lot and giver her support, even if it’s just by listening.
I don’t think there is anything else I or you can do.

FWIW I have tried to talk to DH. I’ve also tried to ensure that he is going to see his dad more often. I’ve talked about not taking things for granted and enjoying the time they have together.
I’m worried that he is going to regret to spending more time with him....

However, on his side, nothing has changed and he is still kinky going to see PIL every 2 months or so (they are only living 1hour away fgs....)

was it advanced when it was caught or has the specialist recommended she not receive chemo due to her age?

I suppose he's trying to protect himself, isn't he? Where talking helps you, he's not comfortable with that. I suppose it's trying to strike a balance between how you'd respond in his shoes vs how he needs to respond.

Although locking everything away isn't viable as a long term strategy it does have its place. Does he have anyone he does talk to about what's happening?

When there's nothing else to do about a diagnosis normality can be helpful, even if it doesn't feel very normal anymore.

It's really tough and really crap. I have no good answers, cancer is just evil and I'm sorry it's happening to your family. Does his mum have support from a Macmillan nurse at all?

Well maybe she’s alright and has recovered, and there is nothing to talk about.
I was diagnosed with breast cancer a week after my mil was diagnosed with breast cancer. Surgery a few weeks apart, likewise radiotherapy
Both of us prescribed the same daily pill, letrozole, rather than chemo, both of us alive and kicking almost 4 years on.
Thankfully, Breast cancer has a very high survival rate.

In fact I really don’t want to talk about now, unless it’s with someone who has just been diagnosed.

Thanks for the replies.

NomDeDui sorry you are also
Going through this. Good to hear you are supporting your mil but it is a shame your Dh isn’t acknowledging it. I think encouraging him to visit often is all you can do.

GrumpyHoonMain I have no idea to be honest, we don’t really talk about the detail, I guess she probs doesn’t want to bore me with it? I’m not really sure how that all works.

user yes I think he is protecting himself which I do understand, but how long until he explodes. He’s an only child. He does have one aunt that I’ve encouraged him to speak with but he doesn’t have the best relationship with her. I’m also not sure about Macmillan, would that seem like an intrusive question to ask?

usesomecaution great to hear you and mil are still going strong! Do you have to have regular checks? How does the daily tablet help it? Did you feel well supported by your family? I understand if you’d prefer not to answer. That could actually be the case with mil as it has been a few years. I guess my fear is that it suddenly gets worse or spreads and Dh only find out at the last minute.

Happy to answer!
There are various types of breast cancer, and treatment depends on what type you have.
In both our cases the tumour was found to be oestrogen receptive, meaning, for want if a better description it feeds off natural oestrogen in the body. The letrozole effectively switches off this natural oestrogen and as is a very effective treatment. I had bad side effects aching joints etc and have now switched to tamoxifen which works in a similar way.
We both have annual mammograms and at my hospital I can call the open access team at any time if I am concerned about anything. In fact I’ve had to do that a few times, and they do a thorough check. The first time I had cellulitis and the second time I saw them my breast was lumpy, bumpy and a bit uncomfortable. That was scar tissue.
I think my mil has an annual check up with a consultant, but she’s at a different hospital.
With regards to support from family, it can be very difficult to manage the reaction of the people you love to this news. I found myself minimising the experience so I didn’t have to support them, if you see what I mean.
My DH was great and did lots of practical stuff, taking care of me.
I found talking to the hospital counsellor most useful, and really now consider myself ‘over it’
They only time I actually talk about now is with a few close friends who have also had breast cancer or with a few colleagues who have been in the same boat.

Wow, thank you! That is very helpful for me to understand the process a bit better.

Very pleased for you that you are in a place that you are over it and can manage it well. I wish you and mil all the best.

This resource is useful
breastcancernow.org/information-support

Thanks, I’ll check that out