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Original poster

DD's dad stopping contact?

15 replies

Boredoftherain · 28/02/2020 17:15

Honestly just want to talk about this as I don't feel like I can talk about it with the people I'm close to in real life.
DD's dad stopped paying maintenance in December. He said it'd come, and it just hasn't. It's a fairly small amount and we don't need it, but it's adding to my worry that he's not bothered about DD any more. For about a month now, he hasn't seen her at all. He used to do several evenings a week plus every other weekend. This has been the way for 4 years, always been fine, no animosity between us we actually get on really well which is why I feel uncomfortable asking him what is going on. It feels like he just doesn't care about DD anymore. There's always an excuse as to why he's not had her. He was meant to picking her up from school yesterday and she was going to be staying for a sleepover until Sunday, but at about 7pm his girlfriend dropped DD home and told he she had been the one to collect DD and dad had not been home, so hadn't seen her (he has been with his GF for years and she has had DD on her own plenty of times so this isn't unusual but DD was expecting to see her dad too).
Just feeling a bit sad about it really

OP posts:

Starface · 29/02/2020 14:13

Are you sure there isn't more going on? If this is a sudden change to a pattern of 4 years I would be concerned about his mental health, possibly psychosis, possibly depression, possibly secondary to a secret brewing crisis eg gambling debt or job loss.

RandomMess · 29/02/2020 14:47

For a start got to CMS for maintenance, if you don't need it stick it in a savings account for DD when she is older - uni, 1st car, house whatever.

Sounds like something is going on and his GF has had enough of being used as childcare for DD!

Original poster

Boredoftherain · 29/02/2020 15:47

We are already with CMS and I'm loathe to complain to them although I probably should. He's just spending his free time with GF and his friends, he recently started a new job which he clearly really enjoys but our shifts now clash and to be honest, he's not asked once how she is or asked for a picture. He never has, but he always had her so often it was never necessary!
On the bright side, DD isn't upset about it and isn't being all 'woe is me, does daddy not want me anymore' as I'm not drawing attention to it or making a big deal out of it. My sister and mother are pitching in to try and pick up the slack so I don't have to keep asking to leave work a few hours early
GF hasn't ever really been used as childcare but has been on her own with DD a few times over the years when dad has been ill during his weekends or when he's run to the gym or the shops, the other day was the longest she'd ever had her. She's lovely and we get on very well so always have a chat, and she doesn't seem at all concerned by the change in the situation.

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RandomMess · 29/02/2020 15:54

Why would you not tell
CMS he isn't paying if contact has changed to the point he should be paying more then tell them that as well? Why is it ok for him to shirk ALL his responsibilities?

Getting maintenance means you could possibly reduce your working hours or pay your relatives for helping out with DD.

Original poster

Boredoftherain · 29/02/2020 16:27

@RandomMess honestly it feels a bit wrong when he's on min wage and I make more than he does now! (I didn't when payments started). I have to work set hours a week regardless, it's a salaried job and I'm more concerned about losing said job. They are only helping rather than me faff around having to find someone who will look after DD in our own home until I get home from work, especially as I'm hoping this is a short lived situation, and he is currently cancelling on the day he's meant to have her IYSWIM.
I've just looked at the maintenance calculator and the calculations are worked out on the nights the child spends at the non resident parents', as she was spending less than 52 nights at his per year with every other weekend, this amount doesn't change if he has her on no nights of the year.
It isn't okay, and I've no idea why any of it is going on, I'm assuming that nothing else is going on other than his social life! I'm a quite worked up into texting him and asking what on earth is happening now

OP posts:

RandomMess · 29/02/2020 16:36

If he has money to go out and socialise he has money to pay CMS, you could use that to take unpaid parental leave in the school holidays to spend more time with DD.

You can't make him spend time with DD but he certainly should be paying towards DD, he's only going to spend it on his social life otherwise!

Starlight456 · 29/02/2020 16:43

The point is whilst people make excuses for men paying it will continue. He has money to socialise , you are not a couple it is not your job to support him by paying his share.

If he is regularly cancelling you need a conversation about what contact he wants . Then you can work / arrange childcare around that.

timetest · 29/02/2020 16:43

If he can afford gym membership he can afford to pay for his own child. If you don’t need it, put it away for DD’s university fees.

Paperthin · 29/02/2020 16:58

If you get on ok with his GF can you ask her what’s going on? Did she seem reluctant to tell you anything when she dropped dd at home? Maybe their relationship is breaking down? Especially if she didn’t know where he was.

Howyiz · 01/03/2020 09:33

Did you not ask the gf why she was being dropped home when she was supposed to stay until Sunday? Did your daughter not ask?

Original poster

Boredoftherain · 02/03/2020 20:01

@Howyiz I did, dad had to work all weekend (he does shift work) and she didn't fancy looking after DD by herself for that long which is understandable, although I don't see why he'd have known so last minute... DD is a bit, well, I wouldn't say upset, more disappointed that she didn't get to stay the weekend but I'm not making a big deal out of it so she isn't working herself up.
I did call CMS today and told them I hadn't received a maintenance payment since November and they said they'd send him a letter. Not sure if that will be helpful.

@Paperthin I thought I'd replied to your comment yesterday but nothing is coming up, if this is a double post I apologise! But she seemed fine, I would be very surprised if they were splitting up and I hope they aren't.

OP posts:

Original poster

Boredoftherain · 17/03/2020 16:01

Small update he's seen her again but has had a huge go at me for calling CMS. It's made me feel really embarrassed and uncomfortable because he's said he told me it would come when he could afford it and he's genuinely made me feel so stupid and I want the ground to swallow me whole.

Still haven't been paid any, though.

OP posts:

Hooferdoofer37 · 17/03/2020 16:21

Why are YOU feeling embarrassed that your Dd's dad isn't paying for HIS child?

He should be the embarrassed one, not you.

What a pathetic excuse for a man he is.

Please don't let him make you feel bad when he's the one in the wrong.

champagneandfromage50 · 17/03/2020 16:25

This man is not your partner or DH, he is the father of your DC who doesn't contribute anything financially or emotionally. He is useless,,,, not sure why he is able to make you feel so bad..... he is not your responsibility your DD is

HellonHeels · 17/03/2020 16:38

He's got no business having a go at you about contacting CMS.

If he still hasn't paid, contact them again. If he's got money for the gym and going out with his friends, he can pay the pittance that CMS set out.

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