I am a completely inadequate mother

[Toskian]

I feel like a child. I’m in my late twenties with a husband, child and mortgage, all the markers I expected to make me feel like an adult and I don’t. I feel unsure and scared all of the time. It took me 7 years to book my driving test and I managed to pass but then was hit by a driver the first time I went out alone and haven’t driven since. It’s been three years. I can't take my daughter to toddler groups because I can't drive. I struggle to speak to people stumble over my words, tell odd stories and speak in a weird voice. I’m ashamed of our house; it’s very small and ugly. We can’t afford to make the renovations we need so we don’t have people over. I don’t really have any friends so we don’t go anywhere either.

DH and I are supposed to be trying to conceive our second child. We have fertility issues and just the thought of having to go through it all again is killing me. It took years and two losses to have our DD. We had sex three times last year, he’s not bothered and it makes me feel very unwanted. My DD is two and has never slept through the night. I’m exhausted and my body is in pain from sleeping with a toddler that has to be latched on all night. I want to stop breastfeeding but she hits me if I say no. I don't want to cause her any trauma but I thought we'd be done by now. I work part time but leave at 5:30am and return at 6:30pm. I'm so tired and I'm averaging about three hours a night because of my insomnia. I'm so tired I'm surviving on coke, I have about six cans a day.

I want to be a confident and warm mother, who drives her daughter to swimming lessons and cooks nice meals. I don’t want to be this Gollum like creature in front of my daughter; I don’t want that to be her childhood. I’m not sure how to fix this.

You don’t sound inadequate. You sound shattered and low, and no wonder.

Look, I mean this kindly - but is a second baby really something you need right now? Do you need that extra stress and commitment? Only you know the answer to that - for me it was no, and we stopped at one. I’m not saying that’s right for you, I’m just saying think about it hard.

I would suggest seeing your GP, perhaps, about these feelings. I also suggest seeing your HV about stopping breastfeeding and your toddler’s sleep. I can’t help but think that getting that sorted would be a big step in the right direction. You very clearly need some support with that.

Everything else can wait - the house, driving etc - I would just concentrate on a couple of issues at a time and for me, I’d prioritise sleep, and deciding what to do about a second baby. Is your DH supportive? Does he know how you feel, is he doing his fair share with your DD?

Firstly, speak to your health visitor, for support with how to stop breast feeding and how to say no to your toddler. Stopping feeding won’t cause trauma but you need a strategy to deal with it.
Secondly, I think you need to self refer for talking therapies regarding your low self esteem. I wonder if your husband knows how you feel about yourself, and whether his attitude to you is impacting.
Why the rush to have another baby? Sounds like it’s not good timing at all.
Has anyone told you that you tell weird stories or talk in an odd voice, or are you over focusing on these things due to anxiety? It seems really important that you start practicing taking your daughter out,even if it’s just for short periods. For your sanity and for her development.
You are doing the best that you can at the moment, your daughter loves you. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

You are not inadequate in the slightest, you actually sound pretty successful; a mortgage and a nice family. There are many different measures of success.

It does sound though as if your self esteem is an issue.

What is the main thing that you want to work on? The driving? The issue is that you (understandably) didn't get back in the saddle after the accident. This has taken away all if your confidence. Could you maybe, one night a week, drive around somewhere quiet? Maybe at a late hour when there isn't much traffic? Or get your partner to take you out? It's like when you first learn to drive. For me, that getting in the car and driving alone after passing my test was absolutely terrifying. However it had to be done. I literally had to get into the drivers seat, nearly shaking and force myself to drive. The more you do it, the easier it gets.

I think also a hobby just for you would perhaps help. Maybe yoga? Art? Anything really that you can attend a class for. You might not make a friend but at least you'll build up your confidence turning up alone and getting on with it.

Maybe some other mumsnetter will be able to suggest a self help book on confidence/self esteem?

You are not inadequate at all. You've just got a lot on your plate and some problems to sort out.

Try to tackle things in little pieces. If you try and sort out everything you are bound to feel overwhelmed - just do one thing at a time.

I think I'd start with the breast feeding and stopping that because you need to get better sleep. Everything is easier with a good nights sleep. Your daughter is not going to be traumatised by you stopping, every child stops breast feeding at some point, it is a natural part of life.

The first night of doing that will be hard, maybe do it on a night before your day off so that you aren't having to work.

I stopped feeding my son at about 18 months. He fed to sleep. He was unhappy at first but I lay with him and told him a story in a soothing voice and eventually he dropped off. You will eventually find something that works for you.

Whatever you decide to do, stop being unkind to yourself.

I really think a second baby at this precise moment will tip you over the edge OP.
The biggest issue here is sleep- no one can think straight when exhausted. Can your partner take over for a day and give you time to sleep? As for giving up bf- your daughter is 2, you have far exceed your duty. Your daughter is fully on solids, you are merely comfort. She will simply find comfort somewhere else. And if you ever think you're traumatising her, just ask yourself if you know when you were weaned???
The second issue is seemingly isolation, major cause being the driving. There is no easy way to do this but practice, practice, practice. I took refresher lessons after I hadn't driven for a few years. Then its slowly building up with small trips- local supermarket early at the weekend to begin with, choose the easy parking spaces the furthest distance from the shops.
Have you ever had friends? Any friends at work?

you are not a failure.
I am 42 years old and feel unprepared and a child in this world.
You have more than a lot of people have achieved in their life.
I stopped breast feeding at 2hrs 4 months and told him my breasts were broken. he would not accept any other reason.
this really helped.

Do you know how amazing you are by breastfeeding for 2 years? Definitely not inadequate! Tackle things one by one.
Maybe try some gentle night weaning which should improve sleep.
Is there any little things that you can do in your house that doesn’t cost money. A declutter and deep clean perhaps?

One step at a time. I can't comment on the parenting from experience, but I am currently dealing with terrible driving anxiety and it is getting better. My advice is to start with a few short routes you're comfortable with. For me it was going to a supermarket with a big car park early in the morning so i knew parking would be ok. I got comfortable driving that route then added a couple of other short useful journeys and it is slowly getting easier. The sense of being able to get out and about and do so in warmth and comfort in this horrible weather is lovely. It also helps with my general anxiety and the feeling of getting myself out to the shops makes me feel like I'm part of the adult world which has been good for my confidence. I'd also definitely recommend some counselling