How did you know when you were ‘ready’?

[HalfTermHalfTerm]

This might sound like a silly question, so please bear with me.

How did you know when you decided to start ttc that you were ready to have a baby and it wasn’t just Call the Midwife/tiny clothes in shops induced broodiness? I mean the difference between indulgently thinking “Ohhh yes, it would be nice to have a baby” (which I do all the time) and thinking “Actually it would be nice to have a baby, let’s start trying”? It’s partly a hypothetical question because my partner and I aren’t in a position to start trying yet, but it is something I’ve been thinking about. He has children already and I work with children so I’m not going in to it completely blind, but I appreciate that the two are very different. He’s 10 years older than me (late twenties and late thirties) so I wouldn’t want to leave it any longer than I had to, but I also don’t want to get swept away with hormones. His children (who I get on fantastically with) are also very keen for a sibling at the moment, but I’m worried that will change as they get older!

So how did you know that you were ready?

I went from not being remotely interested in having children to wanting a baby, that afternoon if possible! I was very fortunate to get pregnant very quickly with both of my DS’s. Best thing I ever did.

I don't recall when I wasn't broody!

I'm the eldest of 3 and of many cousins and have been caring for others babies and children since I was quite young, and willingly so.

Then from the very start my periods were bad. I had a "gut feeling" something was wrong and I was correct. I had endo which went undx for 14 years.

I had my first mc at 18 but that pregnancy was most definitely unplanned as broody though I was I'm not an idiot! I was on the pill taking it fully correctly.

After that unless actively ttc I used 2 forms of contraception.

My friends as a teen all knew and felt sure I'd be the first to be a mum, they even thought I'd likely be a teen mum
which they almost got right.

When I met ex I was clear with him I wanted children and that I didn't want to be an older mum (and I meant over 30) He's one of a big family too and that didn't phase him.

But I also was clear I wanted to be married first and he was less sure on that, but we were quite young when we met only 19/almost 20.

Once we were married I was keen to get cracking but several factors got in the way including his deployments (he was army). Eventually "calendars cleared" and we ttc and that pregnancy too ended in mc.

That was also when the endo was dx and I had to have several surgeries and medical treatment and had to wait until we were given go ahead to ttc again.

Fell pregnant with dd, but it wasn't plain sailing. I loved being pregnant but medically it was very touch and go.

Ending in emcs and both of us almost dying and my losing a lot of blood.

Dd was in scbu and I was very poorly.

Then I was told the issue that had occurred with me was a rare condition that recurred with subsequent pregnancies and could be fatal so I was "advised" not to get pregnant again.

So...I'm 47, peri and I'm still broody.

I'm looking forward to becoming a gran hopefully at some point but it is a source of great sadness to me that I couldn't have the big family I wanted.

And I was in my 20's.

I have to say whenever I hear of couples in a committed relationship, both got good jobs, finances ok and they're delaying ttc for other reasons I just hope they don't leave it too late.

Because while there were reasons I had the problems I did which weren't related to age, age does increase the risks of:

Difficulty conceiving
Mc
Premature birth
Stillbirth
The child having health issues

There's a reason mid-late 20's is considered the medically optimal time.

I was worried we didn't have enough money so we held off for a little while.

I got to a point where I wanted a baby so much it overcame my sensible financial worries!

Simply the fact that one relationship that produced children has already gone south. Even if it was entirely his ex's fault in some way, and he was blameless...there's still a chance this relationship may end one day. It doesn't have to be marriage, because m/f couples have the right to civil partnerships now, for legal protection.
Particularly if only one of you is a home owner and the other moves into their home. (Whichever way round it may be).
If that sounds dramatic, hang around on the relationships board a while and see how many people that are unmarried are left high and dry when their relationship breaks down.
I know many second marriages that are very happy and lasted over thirty years so far (I am somewhat older than both of you), but unless you are independently wealthy please do consider finances very carefully indeed.

When I was 32 and was getting worried that I was never going to get there
We basically did some major changes to ensure we were no longe renting and in the property ladder booked the wedding at 34 years old 4 months prior to my wedding having just moved into our house we stopped taking precautions... and at the wedding I was 4 months pregnant ... I did have to feel the panic though to be ready.
Weddings don’t have to be expensive and they do give you more legal standing ...Do registrars wedding with a meal at a restaurant... renewal of vows in the future could be a lot more elaborate and your child
Can participate ( mind just made me tee total and sick 😉 ... totally worth it though ) x

We were both in our late 20s* and knew we wanted a baby right away. TTC as soon as we were married was something we decided before our wedding. We thought it would take some time as I'd been on the pill for years.

We were in the midst of having our first home built when I found out I was pregnant. We were delighted but hadn't expected it to happen so fast, we'd only been married a few months.

*this was in the early '80s when being over 26 for your 1st child was considered 'pushing it'.

My dad got diagnosed with cancer.

We’d been married 5 years, finances stable, relationship solid, husband had been ready for ages and ages.... suddenly there just didn’t seem to be any reasons left to wait.

Took a few months TTC and that was incredibly stressful as my dad’s health deteriorated. He died when our daughter was 4 months old. He had been so looking forward to grandchildren (and she was his first). I’m so happy he met her, and so sad he didn’t get to see her grow up or meet the other 2.

@Graphista No I do agree with you that it is very easy to presume time will not be an issue when it can be for a lot of couples, even ones younger than my boyfriend is. Thank you for your advice, I’m sorry you couldn’t have your big family, but I’m sure you will be a wonderful grandmother in time.

@JaneDacre the end of the marriage was not his ‘fault’ (adultery, not him) but I am quite sure that for that to happen the relationship was not perfect. It is sensible advice though, thank you.

@Lucylivesinamushroomhouse thank you for sharing your experiences, I am sorry for the loss of your father, but so pleased he got to meet his granddaughter. My grandmother is unwell at the moment with an illness that is not life limiting as far as we are aware, but is unpleasant and not going to get better (not comparable I know). I did get a bit panicky thinking about her not meeting a great grandchild when I know it would make her so happy, but she seems very happy being a sort of step great grandma.

@Lucylivesinamushroomhouse so sorry for your loss and bittersweet history

Op thank you. It's not just me, so many assume they will have babies easily and in my real life experience I'd say at least half of my friends/family have had difficulties of some kind.

And ivf isn't a "cure all" either, it actually has a pretty low success rate.

I blame tv/film for deceiving people that ivf is more successful than reality.

Felt ready about two days after giving birth
I never really got broody but my DH pointed out that if we wanted kids (I'd warmed to the idea) that we might want to try before I was in my late 30s.

When I got the positive test I was shaking like a leaf, like how can I be ready to have an actual human baby?!

But after a whistle stop birth 3 weeks early we came home then went back into hospital as baby was poorly... and suddenly I was a responsible mum and stepped up like never before. Sleeping on the hospital chair, I told her she'd be ok and I'd look after her as best I could.

When I got the positive test I was shaking like a leaf, like how can I be ready to have an actual human baby?!

I do actually know someone who decided to try for a baby so had sex twice a day during her fertile period that month. She then decided that actually she wasn’t ready for a baby, but by that point she was already pregnant and was not overjoyed when she got a positive test...
Luckily she is absolutely besotted with the baby (as is her husband) but it’s a risky move!

I suppose it is! But I knew logically I wanted a kid, it was just a huge scary deal for me, to be responsible for a dependent, and I think in the end that acceptance that it IS a big deal has helped me to be a half decent parent!

When I was in a diabetic clinic appointment and they said if I wanted kids at any point I should really taking high strength folic acid.

I brought it up with DH the next day over a glass of wine and we pretty much started trying.

That was years ago now, and still no DC, and every setback on the way has sort of acted as a reminder of just how much we do want them.

I'm the oldest of four, had loads of cousins and other little ones around, and I can't remember a time I didn't have a baby on my hip.
I was aching for children of my own by the time I was 13 or 14, but I promised my parents I'd graduate first.

In my last year of high school I met DH, and within weeks we were talking marriage and babies.
We graduated, we had dd at 19, got married at 20, and had ds at 21 . We have been married 21 years, still going strong.
Neither dc, now grown, have plans to have dc of their own any time in the foreseeable. I'm good with that, I get my baby fix now from all my friends my age just giving birth to their first or second ones

@ninecoronas Oh I wasn’t trying to imply you’d done a similar thing, sorry! Your post just reminded me quite a lot of her!

@limesoda thank you for sharing, I really hope things change for you.