Violent self harming 8 year old

[help1653]

My 8 year old has become violent, hitting, punching, spitting and biting us so we have to restrain him. He has been self harming by hitting things and hitting his head for a long time but it had pretty much stopped until the last couple of months, then he had these aggressive outbursts from nowhere. He told us he is getting bullied at school, partly because he is considerably (2 years) behind in one area of learning. I don't expect the school will do very much, they have said he can have 20 mins a week with an ELSA. The GP is useless - after my request for hep he started to talk about all this in front of my son when we went in for another issue. Despite in theory being able to self-refer to CAMHs their email address doesn't work and as he isn't actively suicidal he probably doesn't meet their threshold anyway. What do we do? I don't know if keeping him off school will help, as I suspect if we let him stay home one day he won't want to go back and as a very large 8 nearly 9 year old its not like we can force him. We have talked about different things he could do at school but he says he has tried everything or doesn't want to do it- eg there is a lunchtime club but he thinks only the naughty children go and he doesn't want to be labelled as naughty. He just wants the children who he thought were his friends, and desperately wants to be friends with, to be kind to him again. Any ideas?

I would switch schools. No way would I keep my child at the school he was being bullied at - stuff like that never truly changes. The bullies just get sneakier.

Is he self-harming only at times when he is distressed and overwhelmed, or is it at other times too?

8yo is very young for self-harm. You need to directly ask for a CAMHS referral from your GP (or follow up a self-referral via phone, email or a generic number for trust might be able to put you through).

Is there any chance of any other issues being at play here? ASD, learning disability, ADHD, trauma etc? What you've described is unusual even in response to bullying.

I would ask for a formal meeting with the school around bullying and support making and keeping friends. I would expect the class teacher to respond to this quickly and if not I would raise to the head teacher and if nothing from them to the governors.

If anxiety is an issue there's a CBT based book called What To Do When You Worry Too Much which is helpful to work through together.

I don't expect the school will do very much, they have said he can have 20 mins a week with an ELSA

I’d start by taking him out of school until they take the bullying seriously and deal with it. I couldn’t send my child somewhere he’s so unhappy that he hurts himself. What support is he getting for his learning delay? I’d be exploring that and looking for their support for him to catch up or for a fuller assessment of the delay in learning. Try to avoid telling him what he should be doing in school because it can make it sound like the bullying is his problem to solve. While we know kids need strategies for dealing with bullying at the moment it doesn’t sound like he’s coping so giving him strategies that he can’t manage might put more pressure on him. The school have a duty of care here and I’d be clearly holding them to do something to ensure your child is safe in their care.

In terms of self harm, ask your GP to refer to CAMHS however the have a ridiculously long waiting list so in the meantime I’d look to see if there’s play therapy or similar available via school or privately. I’d also do things with him to help him cope with his feelings. That might be something sensory like swimming, or messy crafts or playdough or baking, or something musical or noisy but stuff that helps take him out of his own head - keep a tight rein on screen time.

It might be worth having a wider scale assessment for sensory issues, ASD, etc sometimes head banging and hitting can be a form of stimming for kids who are overwhelmed.

Write (email) and when it is ignored keep writing to the head of your councils children’s services requesting additional support for his education. Does he have an education care plan? Any diagnosis like ASD? The more you complain to top level the better chance you have for help

I’m so sorry you are all going through this. You need to find him a child psychotherapist ASAP privately. Head to the Ukcp website, if money is a factor ask about concessionary rates- most offer one. This has gone deep & needs action & support ASAP. CAMHS is likely to be a very long wait & may or may not accept him as a patient if they do they may only be able to offer short term work. Private will be available immediately. The school need to be aware how serious this is affecting him. His therapist should add as an excellent support to your son by liasing with school & supporting you in parent work too. Good luck x