Should I quit Uni? Brush with death and PTSD ruining everything.

[Vinosaurus]

Sorry, this is pretty long. I am going around in circles in my head and just do not know what to do for the best.

For many years I was very interested in medicine/healthcare, you know, watching every episode of any medical-related programme or series (fact or fiction), volunteering as a first responder etc.

Eventually, at the age of 38 and after a pretty good career in something completely unrelated, I decided to do something about it and enrolled on an Access to Medicine and Healthcare Professions 2-year course and applied to university to do a degree in Operating Department Practice. The access course was more taxing than I anticipated but I passed with very good grades and I was really excited to start the degree.

Unfortunately, I had an accident about 4/5ths of the way through the course which meant I needed surgery on my leg. Very unluckily, I developed a massive pulmonary embolism about a week after surgery which was very nearly fatal. I then went on to develop PTSD as a result and had to have quite intensive treatment, I recovered to a great extent although I'm still under the same psychologist, but only see her once a month. As part of this I developed an intense fear/aversion to anything medical/hospital related, but thought it would go away in time, so plodded on with the access course and started uni in earnest last September after deferring a year to recover. I had my reservations about starting, as the desire to work in healthcare was still nowhere to be found and knowing I would be at placement in hospital 3 days each week minimum was terrifying, but I had put in 2 years of my life studying for it and so hoped that my fear would lessen and my desire to study the subject would return in time - also hoping that I could turn my horrific experience into a positive (i.e. patient empathy and a pretty good knowledge of everything PE related!).

Anyway, a couple of weeks before I started I began to suffer terrible insomnia and heart palpitations but tried to explain them away. Once I started my placement more of my old PTSD symptoms began to return. I tried telling myself that everyone feels crap when they start something new (I think most of us have felt like throwing in the towel in the first few weeks of a new job) and carried on. But the insomnia, flashbacks, anxiety etc. kept on coming - only having respite when I had a few days off or over the Christmas break (but returning a few days before going back into placement). I am now at a stage when I am having to excuse myself to go shake and sob in the toilets, and, after 6 months of it, the insomnia (we're taking 1-4 hours of sleep a night most nights) is too much to handle.

My life is now completely engulfed by the return of the PTSD and I can't even justify suffering through it and hoping it goes in time by telling myself "but you're doing something you love" ... because I don't anymore! But I sacrificed 2 years of my life studying for this (plus the 6 months I've been at uni) and up until the accident/PE it was my life's ambition; can someone really go from being so interested in a subject for the majority of their adult life to hating it with a passion so quickly?

I've been looking at OU courses in other subjects that interest me, (admittedly not as vocational as the ODP degree but still with some potential for employment) as I would really like to continue studying and have confirmed that I would still be eligible for student financing, but I feel like if I quit I am a failure and keep going over in my head whether the passion I once had for the subject may miraculously reappear (although it's been 2 years almost to the day now and am no closer).

Please oh wise MNers - what should I do?

I'm also now questioning my own ability to choose a degree/new career that will interest me/make me happy.

Have you had EMDR therapy for the PTSD? I have heard amazing thi gs about it. I gad PTSD and was treated without EMDR... I still have a few lingering 'bits' which I can avoid but they aren't affecting my career choice! I would definitely seek additional treatment if I were you.

I did have EMDR TenCornMaidens and it was very good, honestly don't think I would have come out the other end intact if it wasn't for it, but it didn't sort the issue out with aversion to anything medical, unfortunately.

Shameless bump - nobody has any insightful words for me?

Sending hugs, OP. I think in your position I'd definitely find something else to study - you've not wasted those two years as you've learned study techniques and other things, and there seems little point forcing yourself to the point your quality of life is affected :( universities are usually quite accommodating of change, so you could switch and then if the passion does return, studying your original course is still a possibility.

I'm so sorry that what happened has derailed your plans but you ar definitely not a failure and you sound incredibly strong so whichever path you choose I think you'll do well!

To be honest I’d give yourself a break and look at moving to something in a non-hospital environment.
Public health? Health education? Sports/physio? There must be somewhere you can apply your access course?

Actually feel like I could have written your post! My experience was very very similar. I was doing an access course in Health and Social Care which I got myself a placement in a private hospital. I witnessed a live surgery of a knee replacement and it completely changed my life..ended up with PTSD, severe anxiety and insomnia. I continued with my access for a couple of months, developed an overehelming fear of hospitals and anything medical so had to quit the placement and change course. Very difficult as my child has SEN and spends alot of time in hosp for medical reasons. I changed course to something else which I love now, got into uni after completing it but then 8 weeks in the panic attacks started! I had to take a year out and had intense counselling and CBT with exposure therapy..for 11 months. It has helped me so so much and returned to uni after a year. Now in my 2nd year and feel like life is picking up again, no more attacks just anxiety which I control. EDMR is supposec to be brilliant for trauma so you could start looking into that or other means of therapy to deal with your PTSD first..then maybe decide later what you want to study. X

Forgot to add I was on Citalopram and Propanolol for my panic attacks in the meantime but with the therapy I was able to slowly wean myself off x

I would say, life is short- why force yourself on with something that you no longer find joy in.

It's such a shame, but I'd say it's part of the fallout of the accident. Will you get compensation for the accident, because the change of career would be part of that. If you've already settled it, then it's too late of course.

I think you have been amazingly strong to struggle through the past 6 months of the course and placement despite how it makes you feel. You would absolutely not be a failure for saying that this course and this job is not for you after all. Life has changed since you started out on this plan to become an ODP, and it is ok to acknowledge that and that the career is not right for the person you are now. Definitely look into other courses that would interest you and try something new. Your long-term mental health is more important than this course, and I think it would be further damaged by having to go to work everyday in an operating theatre/ in a hospital. No job is worth that. I hope things start to feel a bit better soon.

Life is to short to be feeling like this.
2 years is nothing if you think in terms of your whole life. Think about what you have learnt, transferable skills (it won't be totally wasted).
I had a traumatic experience in hospital that amongst other things caused PTSD I was at the time a nurse, going back to work exhaserbated my symptoms and along with my physical symptoms meant I had to give up my 20+ year career and am unable presently to work. I had a very low phase as being a nurse had been my life long dream and it was like a bereavement. However I got to the stage that I realised my dc and I needed to move on and while fighting to keep a job I could no longer do we couldn't move on. Hard but the right descision - I can't work due to my physical illness at present but I never say never however after several years I have realised that going back into nursing wont/can't be an option.
I think you need to also think long term if you were OK but in 5 years something retriggered you would you regret having continued if at that point you could no longer work ? What other careers could be considered in a health care background maybe community based so you are not putting yourself into a potential triggering situation or do you think you need to do something totally different for your mh?
Best of luck a hard descision but you must do what's right for you.

Oh wow, thankyou all - you're making me put things into perspective a lot.

RainWoman19 that sounds scarily similar! I'm going to ask my therapist to restart the EMDR when I see her this weekend. I'm also on Propranolol and have been prescribed various anti-depressants which I've so far avoided taking after having a nasty reaction to one in the past, but it may be time to give them another go. I'm so happy that you've found a new course that you're enjoying - it's a long road though isn't it.

museumum that was my first port of call - I was thinking of maybe physio or occupational therapy, but the accident itself left me with permanent issues with my leg that I don't think it would be compatible with, plus it would still be hospital-based. The university's other health-related courses are based at their main campus which is just not feasible to get to for me - and to be honest, healthcare in general feels untouchable for me now.

picklemewalnuts, unfortunately no compensation for the accident, it was blameless. I did consider suing the (private) hospital that operated on me, as their VTE (thrombosis) prophylaxis was pretty much non-existent, but I couldn't go through with it once I realised that all my notes would be requested (from both hospitals) and picked through (I just wanted to forget how close I came rather than go through it in minute detail) - they did have an internal investigation as the hospital that treated me for the PE raised hell with them - but they came up with a load of bullshit to attempt to exonerate themselves. In addition, I was most likely going to be working with the surgeon that had operated on me during my degree so thought it not wise to sue him!

Life is to short to be feeling like this Yep, you're exactly right.

I'm sorry you're going through all this, it sounds really tough.

As a PP alluded to above, what if you or someone close to you needs hospital treatment at another time? Would you be able to deal with that because if the answer is probably not then you still need to sort this out now, regardless of whether you still have a passion for your course. It may be that you should change course but I think that's a separate issue to dealing with your ptsd and you would have renewed self-confidence going forward whatever you choose, once you do.

Have a look at RTT therapy, which has changed things massively for me. It's a form of hypnotherapy that only needs one or two sessions and is great for anxiety and ptsd.
Alternatively there are plenty of tutorials for EFT online so you could try this on yourself for free, although I did see a therapist who fixed my hospital related ptsd - admittedly much less extreme than yours.

Either way, if you can take a bit of a break from your course until you deal with it, it might be a good idea? Because it seems like continuing is just compounding the issue for you and making you ill. You've been through a lot, be kind to yourself.

Lolaismydog that's a good point, I have thought about it and would do whatever was needed in a heartbeat - including taking them to the same hospital, but that isn't to say it wouldn't affect me and I appreciate I still need to get further help irrespective of what I do with the course.

So similar thats why I couldn't read your post and run! I thought it was just me seriously! I too wanted to do the ODP course at Uni hence the hospital placement in theatre. In hindsight im grateful that I found out earlier into my journey that it wasnt for me, even though I was passionate. It changed me as a person and lead me to whst I do now which I love! You should be proud of yourself for opening up and not pushing how you feel to one side as its so important. Honestly, go for the EDMR and try it and remember its not too late, imagine the pressure everyday if you continued in a triggering environment...not worth sacrificing your mental health. You sound ambitious and thats all you need to get where you need to be. Good luck and just be true to yourself x

Give it some time before deciding what you want to do, you are still very much in the fear response having just been re-triggered.

There are many healthcare related roles such as audiology for example that might be suitable as it is more outpatient focused other than newborn hearing screening.

I had PTSD following c section with hysterectomy to save my life (I was awake when they started the procedure). I am now several years down the line and working in nursing having retrained post-trauma. I cannot work in neonatal areas due to being re-triggered there whilst on my training, but have managed to watch multiple surgeries and c sections without issues. It is about being kind to yourself and recognising limits whilst also trying to not retreat fully from the triggers, particularly fear of hospitals because you may need to use one again. I had to do exposure therapy with having a bath as going in one would trigger flashbacks (to being on the operating table), I can now have a bath again.

For now just focus on getting well, you can defer (find out how long for). Working of some kind may help, it did help me focus on something else other than the trauma. You can get through this x