Why lie? There’s literally no point ?

[fedupoftheLies]

A while ago i asked dm (for context - totally healthy 60 year old) could she help with occasional childcare (primary age dc)
She said no. That she didn’t want to / has things she wants to do and appts etc
Fine. I asked a question it was going to be yes or no so that’s ok.

What has really annoyed me is I’ve been told by more than one person that she is telling people how she offers me so much childcare help And general help and I decline ??? That’s an absolute lie ? So when I’ve said to people ‘oh I can’t do x I have no childcare’ I’ve then heard a few days later ‘oh but your dm said she had offered and you said no’

Why would she do that I tried to ask her and she put the phone down on me ! Is it just a public image thing?

Yep. She wants to be seen as hard done by.

Some grandmas like childcare, some don't. Some say they like it or 'don't mind' to keep family happy. If your mother doesn't want to do it, it's good that she feels free to say no openly, which would suggest that she hand you have a pretty good relationship. On the other hand lying about how much she is doing seems to suggest that she feels guilty about not doing more when she's talking to others.

Just guessing fedupofthelies and haven't a clue what you can do about it

Tell her in person or via text that each time she says she's offered childcare to you and declined to other people and they pull you on it you'll tell them she's lied. Tell her to pack it in as it makes you look like a dick when you say you have no childcare.

Nip it in the bud or you'll end up falling out.

Google 'triangulation', op. My mum is an absolute pro at this.

It just seems ridiculous I asked knowing it was 50/50 yes or no and then have made other arrangements or missed stuff that’s just life with kids. I’m just confused as to why she feels the need to lie. She won’t talk to me about it but seems to be telling anyone else who will listen that I never want her offers of help ! I’m so confused 🤷‍♀️
Never simple is it

I have a granddaughter who is nearly 2. I'm am also 42 with a full time job and 3 young girls 1 of which has autism.

When my granddaughter was born I was asked to look after her every single sat night and sun. I said no because sundays are my time with the girls and they also go to their dads quite often on a sat night and I needed the break myself. However I did say now and again at the weekend if needed but also I could do 1 night in the week or as an when they needed me. I've also offered to have the gd on a sat day. It's always been refused.

Her mum then tells people I cant have her because I cant be arsed. Not true. I put my social life before my gd. Also not true. I put my 3 girls before anyone. They come first but I can compromise.

Always 2 sides. I am exhausted trying to juggle everything

Sounds like my MIL. Before DC2 was born she loved to live nearer us and said she would, of course, have the children when I went back to work (I was a SAHM at the time and had no plans to return to work, but appreciated the offer). When DC2 was 2 I went back to work PT and she stepped in, along with my mother, to cover my shifts and do pick ups ones they were nursery and school age.

Since then she offers to help regularly, I've had a text from her this morning actually, asking if I need her over the weekend. If I say no she will complain she doesn't see the kids often or I favour my mother. If I say yes she will go around anyone who will listen complaining about how she has to have the grandchildren... I've pulled her up on, so has DH, and she stops for a few weeks, then it starts again. It's exhausting.

*moved to live nearer us, not loved!

fedupoftheLies
Is she telling people though outright or are they asking her (i.e. bringing them up in conversation first)? Neither is ideal but the latter makes more sense like “oh, how are the grandchildren”? “Yes, they’re fine, was just looking after them last weekend actually”. She’s not likely to turn around and say to her friends/acquaintances “I hardly see them. My daughter asked me if would look after them but I said no because I didn’t want to”.

Er...yeh she's messing with your head. I would avoid 3rd party conversations about it and just be very clear in your own mind what you have said to her. She's being a performance grandparent, that's all. All mouth, no substance.

If anyone says but your mum said she offered just say aye, but she drinks during the day. See how she likes lies.