Feel so isolated but I’m doing it to myself

[SinkGirl]

Cancelled on a friend this morning and now in bed feeling angry with myself and so lonely. I told her one of my twins is sick which isn’t true, and I don’t like lying to people.

The truth is I can’t bear to see anyone, especially other parents. If anyone asked me how I am right now I’d completely fall apart.

My twins both have autism, one has other medical issues too - most of the time I’m fine but having a really tough few days. I feel like my heart is broken, I just want them to be able to talk to me, I want to know what they’re thinking and feeling. I’m so scared about the future, I’m scared they will never be happy or be able to tell me when they’re not, or if something bad happens to them.

I can’t bear to be around NT children when I’m like this. Seeing them speak, growing up and developing really hurts and I don’t want to feel like that. I genuinely feel happy for my friends that they don’t have to go through all this but I can’t block out the thoughts.

I can’t say this to someone - sorry, I can’t meet you today because I’m having a breakdown. I know if someone said this to me I would understand but can’t say it to others.

I hate feeling so lonely and then making myself more lonely by being flaky and cancelling on people.

I feel like a terrible person, and beating myself up isn’t helping.

Are other people honest about these things? Is it better to be honest? I think if people knew what a state I’m in they wouldn’t want to be around me anyway.

Currently going through a lot of stress which should pass soon but fundamentally the underlying difficulties aren’t going anywhere. I don’t want to have no friends. Feels like I can’t win - if people think I’m flaky they’re not going to want to arrange to meet up, but people don’t want to be friends with people who are a downer either.

(If you are my friend and are reading this, I’m really sorry)

I’m so sorry, OP. If you were my friend and told me all of this, I would understand, and do what I could to be there for you—even giving you space if you asked for it. Be kind to yourself.

I too would be extremely sympathetic and cross (in a nice way) that you hadn't been open with me so that we could at least have a good talk. That said, I totally understand where you are coming from in terms of finding it very hard seeing other children progressing and in a way that you feel your twins aren't

I could have written your post sinkgirl. I just found out my dad has terminal cancer and I'm a wreck. I'm out with a couple of friends tonight and I'm totally having to force myself to go, I feel like a total fun sponge I'm so sad.

What I have found helps is doing something totally different, we did bingo last week which totally took my mind off things for a bit, and the cinema tonight rather than talking. I've also warned them to please not ask how I am and I'll talk about things when I'm ready - rather than collapsing in hysterical tears when I see them.

Be honest with them - it helps people understand that you're not flaky just really overwhelmed, but I've found (much like exercise) it sometimes helps to force yourself out, even if it's just for an hour.

Be kind to yourself, it's a horrible feeling x

I've read your comments for a while OP and have always been struck by how much you cope with and well you do it.
But everyone has a breaking point and it sounds like at the moment you have reached yours.
Absolutely be honest with your friends I'm sure they would understand.
My experience of being honest is that other people are often honest back about what is actually going on in their life.

Thank you everyone. I don’t know why I’m so worried about just saying I’m not coping - I expect most people would have days where they can’t cope with all this, there shouldn’t be any shame in it. I think I’m just over tired and worn down by absolutely everything.

I’m sure I’ll feel better in a few days. I feel awful complaining when others are dealing with far worse. Some days it’s just so bloody hard.

I am in a similar situation OP (disabled dc) and no longer have friends with NT families, they basically walked away when they found out the no-hope diagnosis and that includes family.

Basically no one wants to hear miserable, sad stories and I found even if they listen, they can't help in any way so what's the point.

The only people I can relate to as far as disability is concerned are other families in a similar situation.

I have a few friends for other activities but they don't know the full story and I don't even talk to anyone from those circles about my home situation.

My experience of being honest is that other people are often honest back about what is actually going on in their life.

^This

Totally understand what you mean though. Agree that meeting with 2+ people to do things like Bingo that don’t rely heavily on conversation is a good idea.