If you lost your dh, how soon did you start a new relationship?

[WhiteBready]

Dh died 15m ago. My whole world was torn apart and I am just getting used to my new normal and settling into being a single parent and coping with the grief. It's been a really hard year but we've pulled through.

I have 3 kids, 2 at primary and one preschooler. It's been hard for them too.

I'm at a stage now where things are finally settled. We're not crying over every little thing. Things are running smoothly and life is ok, well as good as it can ever be without dh and their father.

My friends and family have been extremely supportive and amazing and I wouldn't know where I would have been without them. One friend whom I'm really close to has been an absolute rock. He's helped me so much and I really have appreciated it.

However, a couple of weeks ago he told me that he has fallen in love with me and would like to have a relationship. It's thrown me off kilter and I honestly don't know what to think or do.

I honestly haven't even thought about a new relationship. It hasn't ever crossed my mind. My friend is a lovely and caring person and I don't want to lose our friendship over this. It would be another loss for me which I don't want. In another life, in another situation, I would totally go for it but i feel confused and don't know what to do. My children are my priority and I don't want to hurt them and mess them about.

I don't really know what I'm asking. I know noone can tell me what to do. I just want my dh.

No advice OP as I've never been in this situation. I think many may say too soon and I personally think to soon but unless you've been there you don't know.

So sorry for your loss xx

Hi OP,

I've no experience either. I think though if he really loves you as he says he does and if you think that you could see a relationship there in future then he should be able to give you time without putting any pressure on you and still be there for you in the meantime. If you don't see any future with him then just be honest and don't strong him along because you are afraid to lose his friendship. Just have a talk with him and tell him where you are at.

String

I think if you still “just want your DH” and a new relationship hasn’t even crossed your mind then it’s too soon. Of course, there probably won’t ever be a point where you don’t miss him and wish he was still here; but at the moment you’re really still grieving and I think your friend has been a little bit opportunistic about this when you’re vulnerable.

If he’s a genuine friend with your best interests at heart then you aren’t going to lose him as a friend by saying that right now you just wish your DH was here, might be open to something in the future, but have no idea how long it’s going to take before you feel ready or what that process is going to look like. If he’s a friend he’ll continue to stick by you as a friend and understand it’s not as simple as just starting a relationship with him.

I think just see how and if things develop. Just because he’s told you he loves you, doesn’t mean you have to start things now. Things might develop, they might not. But let it happen naturally if you feel like you want it to. Sounds like it might be too soon for you but there is no right time, it differs for everyone. My friend lost her husband and met someone else straight away who she’s now been married to for 10 years and is very happy.

I’m sorry about your DH.

I think it comes down to when you want another relationship and are ready for it. It sounds like you were blindsided about a relationship with this friend as wasn’t on your radar and is only in your mind because he mentioned it and the fact you are worrying about whether it’s too soon or not, means you probably aren’t there yet.

I lost my DW thirteen months ago and have recently started seeing someone. It's tough, as I'm still very much grieving my wife, but I was also feeling lonely and I wanted someone in my life again. My son is only a toddler, so that makes things slightly easier; I should imagine it's harder to think about dating when you have older children.

My main bit of advice would be not to worry about what other people think if you do decide to pursue another relationship. I've had friends/family tell me it's too soon, but unless someone's been widowed they don't have a clue what it's like and the things you've been through. Only you can decide what's best for you.

If/when you do decide to date, remember that you can take things at your own speed, you can change your mind, and you're allowed to continue grieving. A new partner needs to understand that. The friend that you mentioned sounds like he's been a good support and is understanding of your situation; if you like him, there's no harm in seeing how things go. The only thing that's slightly concerning is that he's so into you already, so maybe make it clear that you'd very much need to take things at your own pace and that you're experiencing a lot of mixed emotions. Good luck.

PS Are you a member of Widowed and Young? There's an affiliated WAY Widowed and Dating Facebook group that's quite useful; everyone there really gets it.

Thank you for all your replies.

He hasn't taken advantage of my situation. tbh, on the face of it, i look like im doing really well, i constantly get people telling me how strong I am and how well im coping but underneath it, I still feel so wobbly.

i think you are all right - it is too soon for a relationship. I will tell him that I dont want this to affect our relationship and things may develop in the future but maybe not.

Another reservation is that he is a lot younger than me. im a frumpy 38 year old and hes 33 and very attractive. I dont know what he sees in me. Im all wrong for him for a million reasons. I dont want to have anymore kids, does he want kids? oh, i think im overthinking this too much when nothing has even happened.

SanJunipero thank you for the Facebook info. I will check it out.

I was widowed just over thirteen months ago, but my children are adults and live with their partners. TBH, the thought of finding somebody else doesn't enter my head. Maybe if my kids were younger.

tillytoodles1 sorry for your loss.
I would have thought I would be more open to a relationship if my kids were older and independent but I guess everyone is different.