What should I have done differently?

[RedRed9]

As a child there was a girl in my Primary School who no one really liked. I would go as far as to say she was ostracised. I had a great group of friends and also got on with pretty much everyone in my class/year.

I acted friendly towards this girl. Nothing noteworthy but I would Eg invite her to join big playground games or chat to her if I saw her by herself, etc. But we didn’t have much in common and didn’t ‘click’. Regardless I continued to act friendly towards her (I guess out of pity).

One day she invited me over for a ‘play date’. I absolutely did not want to go (frankly her family scared me). I said no, but thanks.

She exploded. Told me she knew I wasn’t really her friend and that this was proof, that I’d been pretending, etc. She was devastated and angry and it was awful.

Lately, as an adult, it keeps coming back to me. We tell children that if they see someone being left out they should step up. And yet I did step up and seemed to cause more hurt than if I’d left her alone.

I know it’s all in the past but for some reason, every now and then, I can’t get it out of my mind! What should I have done differently?

I don't think you could have done anything differently. As long as you didn't encourage or participate in the bullying against her that's all you can do as a child.

You couldn't force a friendship that wasn't there but you were polite enough.
I also think back to times when I was younger and saw bullying and laughed along so they wouldn't turn their attention back to me, as I had been bullied by the same people, cowardly but I was just a child.

I don’t think you could have done anything differently, you were a child. You didn’t participate in ostracising her, which was a decent thing. But nobody likes to realise that somebody was only being nice to them out of pity rather than because they actually liked them, hence her reaction. That’s all. Don’t beat yourself up about it.

I don’t think this is worth dwelling over in adulthood, it happened in primary school and it’s really not a massive deal. I wouldn’t waste another moment worrying about it really. My DD’s are always falling out with their friends then making up again, one girl in particular is rather dramatic as the girl in your post sounds and she says similar things about them not being real friends etc. She just has had a rough upbringing so lashes out sometimes, perhaps that girl did too.

You sound like a lovely person OP. You did your best but you were only a child. Adults should have been looking out for her; parents, teachers, welfare people. You weren't responsible.

I suppose her reaction was at least one reason nobody liked her.
It won't have been the first time she overreacted.
I really wouldn't worry about it, particularly as an adult.

Thanks guys. I don’t know why it plays over in my mind sometimes.

Hopefully she’s out there living a lovely life now.

You were right to say no, following your instincts. You weren’t responsible for her experience and did nothing wrong. But I empathise with how you’re feeling - it’s hard to be completely rational about these kinds of memories.

I dont know but I guess it keeps playing over in your mind because you want to know what you could have done to have helped her but kept your boundaries safe.

I suspect the answer is not much.

Give yourself a little bit of time over it, write some questions first, and then answer them.

Then put the piece of paper in the bin. Might help you move on. You can't keep replaying it there is nothing more to be done.