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How to cope with a narcissist manager?

6 replies

Lastminutemumdotcom · 25/02/2020 08:39

I’m dreading work today.

Been at company a year, was a lateral move rather than promotion. Boss initially worried I was over qualified. Have worked hard, turned lots of negative areas around and generally enjoy job....however....

Boss (female) seems to enjoy belittling me whenever she can in front of others. Behind closed doors she asks for my advice and draws on my experience but outwardly has got to the point I’ve pushed back a little bit when she does this. Yesterday she embarrassed me in front of junior colleagues by 1) drawing parallels between us and 2) minimising what I had done/ lied and said something done was in error (this was what I corrected).

I enjoy company and don’t want her to push me out, I have generally good relationships with others but I can’t cope with this. Don’t really want to go the Hr route.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Lastminutemumdotcom · 25/02/2020 08:41

Sorry and narcissism is in reference to her in general. She held a less ebook or to me at her previous place but now introduces herself basically as God, with a massively overinflated background. Again I’m front of others and minimises my position.

OP posts:
Lastminutemumdotcom · 25/02/2020 08:43

Am trying to let my work do the talking but have suspicions she is down talking me/ bitching elsewhere.

Both senior management.

Any help much appreciated!

OP posts:
Lastminutemumdotcom · 25/02/2020 08:44

“Held a lesser role” that should read.... fat finger commute

OP posts:
KnittingSister · 25/02/2020 08:47

2 options, hr, or a new job. You can't change her, you can only fix your own end. Good luck, I know it can be miserable.

MiniTheMinx · 25/02/2020 08:55

Unless you have really concrete examples and concerns that can be referenced and proven look for a new job.

I'm experiencing similar. A boss that gossips and causes distrust amongst the team. We literally have people now unable and unwilling to work together or cooperate on anything. She causes one drama after another. In confidence she comes to me for solutions whilst in meetings she either takes the credit or tries to discredit me. She knows I can do her job upside down, and I have more qualifications and experience, experience she taps into when it suits her, but she's threatened by me. We have no HR dept. I'm leaving.

Sarcelle · 25/02/2020 09:04

If the narcissist boss deploys charm on other people and does it well, you are on a hiding to nothing. I speak from experience. Mine did the same to me, and dropped a lot of negativity against me cleverly in one liners. She has spread lots of false rumours about me, but she is clever when and to who she does it. She actually nearly broke me, and I am still suffering the fall out. I have had a couple of new bosses but she is still around. Although I get great feedback at work, my bosses view me with suspicion even though I have done nothing to warrant it that they can see. When they are new they are friendly, but I always know at some point she will stick the knife in and I can always tell when she has done it. Their reaction to me demonstrates it. Wariness and watchfulness.

Writing this makes me sound full of paranoia, so trying to report it is a non-starter. That is their cleverness, they do their negative stuff in such a way that you look like an odd ball if you try to raise.

I am not one of life's quitters but it has massively impacted my working life which has rubbed off into my private life. It feels unfair. How she has portrayed me is the complete opposite to how I am.

I got a bad sense from her from the start. Lots of false bonhomie to people's faces but the barbed remark when they turn away. Particularly women. She is attractive herself, but really sees other women as rivals. However, what I should have done was keep her at arms length where possible, instead I tried to win her around, which made it worse - it gave her more power.

When I see threads on here about coercive relationships from the benefit of hindsight I can see that she is a master manipulator with the ability to do great things, but for some reason she lets herself down and goes a bit rogue.

I think you need to play this one better than I did. In fact, I would move on. Some people you can't win against. Never underestimate that a lot of other people, even those in senior roles, can be like sheep. Rather than make up their own mind they want to fit in too. It has been a bit of an eye opener and one I would not like to repeat.

Don't let her take over your headspace. She is the problem, not you. If you stay put you will have to be on guard against her, but the trouble is, you don't know when she will strike next.

Maybe she will move on to another victim, or move on herself. Good luck. I hate people like this.

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