Five year olds attitude is driving me mad!

[AScarecrow]

She’s a young five. She turned five in early January. She’s in primary 1 (Scotland). Seems to love school and is doing well.

I live for my girls. Everything I do is for them. I have a really big job and I cut my hours down to three days when I had DD5 because I wanted to be at home for her more. As time has progressed I end up working most evenings once the girls are asleep because essentially my workload is full time (I am looking for a new job).

I am finding life stressful just now. It’s hard to keep all the plates spinning but I am doing my best. I play with the girls we spend time together after school. We go nice places at the weekend and we do arts and crafts etc. Lots of downtime too. I do my best. I really do.

I think I am a nice mum. I try not to be shouty. I am DD5’s constant cheerleader. I worry about her at school. I make sure she has nice things like her friends do.

And yet I get the worst word in her stomach all the time. Tonight I’ve just heard all the reasons why she wishes her friends mum was her mum instead. She draws pictures at school for her dad and her sister all the time. She’s constantly shouting at me. Losing her temper. Doesn’t listen to a word I say. The cheek I get from her is ridiculous.

Tonight she ate a bar of chocolate she took from the biscuit tin. I had already asked her not to on the basis that her tea was almost ready and she took it anyway. I said “well that’s fine but you won’t be getting any more chocolate this week”. “Fine I don’t care. You’re a Horrible mum anyway” was the response.

Usually i don’t take it personally but I just feel fucking broken tonight. Then it’s the usual bath and bedtime battle and then sitting down to work because this is literally my life now.

Whatt do you and her dad do when she is rude to you? What happens when she doesn'tt comply with normal/reasonable requests around behaviour? Fur example, no chocolate for the rest of the week seems a not very "now" consequence for taking chocolate. At that age DC would have had a much more immediate consequence.

We try to give consequences but she never cares about anything! I have started sending her to her room until she’s ready to be kind/polite or stop tantrumming and that tends to work to diffuse the situation but she likes her room so 🤷🏻‍♀️

She doesn’t really get much screen time or I would withdraw that. I’m trying to find her “currency” so to speak.

She knows you're always there for her, no matter what, so she's challenging the boundaries. It's tough, but it doesn't last forever. Stay consistent.

Do you think that’s what it is? I feel like she’s telling me I’m not enough or that I’m not giving her something that she needs

You’re probably giving her too much, rather than not enough. Too much attention, too much patience, too much fuss. You admit you’re her cheerleader and so, being too young to have the emotional development to give you the consideration and gratitude you’d like, she’s just being selfish. A really bloody stupid situation isn’t it?! You’re loved unconditionally - so you can be as horrid as you like. Does she ever see you sad?

I had already asked her not to on the basis that her tea was almost ready and she took it anyway. I said “well that’s fine but you won’t be getting any more chocolate this week”. “Fine I don’t care. You’re a Horrible mum anyway” was the response.

Don't ask her. Tell her. And remove the biscuit from her hands! And put the tin out of reach. Ideally her dad can do that for you if he's getting all the praise.

But yes, 5 year olds can be like that. She loves you and knows you love her so she's pushing the boundaries. My DS is the same but with his dad. He's called him a "dweeb" and a "noob" in the last few weeks with a big eye roll 😣. All I can do is reinforce that he can't say those things and behave like that whilst expecting treats etc.

Cut back a bit with all the nice things. I have two dc the same age and I find when I give them too much (I work similar hours and once they go to bed I work) they expect more.

If they say something rude I sent them to their room. If they are cheeky I take the remote control (or whatever) away. Your dh needs to back you up here too.

Also make sure you get some time to yourself at the weekend. I now get a hair blow dry or go for a walk or look around the shops. She will miss you. I love mine and have never spent time apart from them but now at 5 I think you need to for your own sanity. Ignore a lot of the comments but out in sanctions too if the behaviour is bad.

Why do they push the boundaries though? Yes I need to be firmer. I need a strategy. I just don’t want to be in a constant battle with her.

Still awake because my anxiety about work and everything is through the roof tonight. Which means tomorrow will be doubly hard so that’s good.

Her dad works fairly long hours. He is much better at being firm with her than I am, but sometimes I feel like he lacks a bit of patience with her. I spend my life sticking up for her. Telling him to try to be patient etc and I don’t know why I bother.

She has once seen me sad. My mum gave me a poster that I wanted to frame. DD5 tore it up in a rage when I wouldn’t let her do something (I can’t even remember what it was). I told her she had really made me sad and that the poster was special etc and she was devastated. Hugely apologetic. Tearful.

That may be your answer; instead of not taking the insults personally, tell her that you are really upset by her behaviour. Send her to her room, but you take the initiative; she's not been sent until she's ready to be kind or stop tantrumming or whatever, it's because you've had enough.

Try this:

Faber & mazlish
How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk

Good luck!

Why do they push the boundaries though?

To check what your response is. To check that you love them unconditionally. To feel out what the rules are. It's how they learn boundaries and rules. A child who never tests the boundaries doesn't know what they are and will feel insecure and unsure. Knowing boundaries and rules (and ideally finding them out by pushing gently on them and having them reinforced by someone who loves them unconditionally) is how a child learns how to behave in society.

It sounds counterintuitive but I think you need to toughen up, be a bit stricter and a bit less sensitive. If they tell you all the reasons Sophie's mummy is better than you just say 'how lovely for Sophie that she has a nice mummy!' and change the subject.

Acknowledge how she feels about things without passing any judgement on her being right or wrong. 'you sound very sad about that' 'oh dear, it sounds like that has made you very angry! When you are less angry and ready to talk we can carry on' etc. Acknowledge it but don't try to make it better. Just let her process it and let her know you're there for her. This has been the biggest success strategy with my DS4 over the last year. It empowers him and it frees me from trying to overly-parent him.

I have no tips or advice but you sound like a really lovely Mum.

There’s a really good book by Ross Greene called The Explosive Child. DD can be like this. It’s helped us identify where the problems are and how to improve things.

Do you have 5 children or one child that is 5? DD5 is used both ways.

Thank you for the replies.

I have two girls, they are 5 and 2. DD5 is the five year old. Sorry.