How to support new partner who was a victim of an abusive relationship

[JustOneLastThing]

I have recently started a relationship with a wonderful man who is coming to terms with the knowledge he was the victim of abuse within his last relationship, specifically control, emotional and financial abuse. She assaulted him recently in front of their children (reported to the police who haven't even bothered to take a statement yet).
I am trying to help him come to terms with what has happened to him over the past 20years or so, and also what is happening at the present time.
He is wonderful but understandably traumatised by what had gone on.
What should I do to help him?

Don’t start a relationship, for both your sakes. A traumatised person is not in the right place to be in a functional relationship. Suggest therapy and time, and reconsider later on.

I have to agree with the PP about not starting a relationship at this point. I was in an abusive relationship prior to meeting my DH. I struggled with what had happened a lot and it definitely affected our relationship for the first few years. It's only recently (7 years in) that I finally feel I've dealt with the past. It's thankfully worked out ok but looking back I definitely should have spent some time working through it myself before inflicting my trauma on DH.

Is he having counselling?

As for you, I'd keep out of it. It's for him to deal with and it most certainly is too soon for you to get involved in supporting him. Keep seeing him if it feels good for you but keep your (emotional) distance.

I'm not going to leave him, we are emotionally tied and connected. I adore him. I was hoping for some practical suggestions i.e organisations or similar, not to be told to leave him!

I'm not going to leave him, we are emotionally tied

Interesting choice of words for a very new relationship. You shouldn't be 'emotionally tied' so soon. You've also taken on the classic rescuer role already, which isn't good for either of you at this point.

The best thing you could do for him is encourage him to take charge of his own recovery, point him in the direction of whatever resources you're aware of, and step back for now from this relationship until he's in a better place.

If he was in an abusive relationship for 20 years, and has, from what you say, only recently got out and/or realised it was abusive, he's learned some really bad relationship lessons, and is really not ready for a new relationship.

And you are likely to end up badly hurt if you construct yourself as the 'rescuer' to his damaged-but-wonderful survivor. Frankly, those dynamics do not last -- the person being rescued recovers and bounds off to find someone who doesn't remind him/her of the time when they were on their knees, and who suits his/her happy, post-recovery new self, leaving the rescuer aghast because 'I put you back together!'

Totally agree with @BoudoirPink

I agree with Boudoir too. He doesn't know what a healthy relationship is anymore and that means it's unlikely you will have one. You being in rescuer mode will only cause you harm.

Does he work? What form did the financial abuse take? If he's not currently financially independent please be wary of getting too involved and saving him in this respect too.

Op, I tend to agree with the other posters. The problem is that if he is traumatised, he will exhibit behaviours that are erratic/irrational/inappropriate and you will be left picking up the pieces. This is not his fault but he should b e dealing with these before he embarks on a new relationship.

I speak as someone who has watched someone she loves very much go further and further down the path of being abused herself because her partner has so many issues and problems. In the beginning, she was sympathetic and wanted to help him. But unfortunately, he was not incentivised to help himself and now they are stuck. He isn't a b ad person, but he has become a person who is, himself, basically an abuser because he has been happy to leave someone else to pick up all the emotional slack.

By the way, I'm talking as someone who was in an abusive relationship. I was a rescuer in that relationship, believing I could help with his issues and it cost me an awful lot emotionally and financially and he's still in my life because of our DC.

OP can I ask how long he was with his abusive ex, how long ago they split and how long you've been together?

I think a combination of those factors can make a huge difference in how best to approach things.

I was in an extremely abusive partnership. I remained single for quite a while as a choice. He really needs to work on himself because as much as you may not like to hear it he may just be grateful someone is being nice to him. A rebound as such.

@BlingLoving and @Doyoumind speak a lot of sense, OP.

Agree with the other posters. It took me a long, long time to understand why being a rescuer is not a good thing. He needs to reclaim his autonomy and his power to make the right decisions for himself, not for you to do this for him.

You say you adore him. What does he think about you?

I'm not going to leave him, we are emotionally tied and connected. I adore him. I was hoping for some practical suggestions i.e organisations or similar, not to be told to leave him!

This is a relationship which you recently started. And already you claim to be emotionally tied and connected. Can you not see that this is neither healthy nor normal, even without the abuse and mental health issues. The latter add a whole other dimension.

You seem to see yourself as some kind of noble rescuer. This is going to get messy if you're going to involve yourself to this degree. You absolutely need to keep your distance and protect yourself..

We have been together approx 5 months
He works full time
I work full time
They were together for 15+years
I am not a rescuer. It has only recently come out how she controlled him and manipulated him over many years
It is a mutual love and respect, and indeed this has brought to light some of the behaviour that she exhibited BC he thought it was normal in a relationship to be treated like that . She has become more aggressive and physically abusive since he has not capitulated to her demands.

If she is still physically assaulting him then obviously he should be going to the police. He has children with her. Is he concerned about her assaulting them? That's another reason to file a report.

But op all this drama and trauma with his ex that is still happening is going to make your life difficult. Tou need to be careful. Dont rush this relationship or rush to move into together etc.