Talking to son about self harm scars

[TheGnusShoes]

I would appreciate some advice if anyone has any. I have a few visible scars on my arm from past self harm (years ago) and I think my DS (just turned 5) has begun to notice them and I'm anticipating questions. The problem is I don't know what to say, I don't want to close the conversation off forever as I'd like to be able to discuss this type of thing as he grows up but I think he's too young to understand now.
So my question is how would you answer questions in an age appropriate way that doesn't make him feel that he can't broach the subject in future.
Thanks for anyone reading!

Personally, I would make up a story about an accident and save the truth till he's approaching his teens. I don't think any young child would be able to get their head round SH, and it could make him anxious about upsetting you.

I agree with jesusinthecabbagevan. 5 is young enough to spin a story about an accident. When he’s approaching teens and is still asking, then open up and be truthful if you so wish.

That's what I was thinking too but I'm worried if I make up an accident story that it won't be very easy to bring up in the future as that'll be the end of the conversation.

I think that is sensible. I'm a bit worried that as he gets older he will realise they are self harm but will be weary of asking me. Maybe the best thing I can do is to be as open about things as possible (in general) so that when this type of subject arises he'll feel as though it's ok to ask. I'm so rubbish 😭

And thank you both for the replies!

I wouldn’t think he would remember you lying about it aged 5 but even if he did, by his teens he would be mature enough to understand why you did.

I'm still covering mine . The dc's are tweens.

Thank you @BritneyPeedOnALadybug that makes sense! I get so anxious about things and it clouds my thought process so you've been really helpful in clearing it up for me

Could you tell him that they happened when you weren't very well? And if he wants to know more tell him he needs to be a bit older to understand.

Following as I’m in the same boat.

I’ve currently given my just 4 year old a factual explanation that ‘they are scars’ and the definition of what a scar is.

I worked in a secondary school a few years ago and had a student ask me about them. The school employed a child therapist so I consulted with her before responding. Her advice was offer as little explanation as possible, be factual and don’t get stuck into your emotional story as a child can’t/shouldn’t need to hear that. I think it’s important to watch for what might create copycat behaviour/ model an unhealthy way to cope.

I’m not quite sure when my daughter will ask me for more information but I’m hoping I can continue to describe them as ‘scars from when I was hurt a long time ago’ for a while yet.

Interested in others advice too however.

It's difficult isn't it @megletthesecond it's not easy knowing what to do for the best

“When I was much younger I (was being very silly and?) cut my arm on a razor/ glass/ whatever. You always need to be very careful around sharp things as it can hurt and can leave marks like those. I’m much more sensible now.”
Truthful enough to let him question more later, but not opening the door to considering you may have done it on purpose until he’s old enough for the thought to occur to him naturally.
(The “being very silly” isn’t a judgement btw, I have similar. But I’d hate my dc to view it as an option to consider, and think they need to know everyone does things they regret sometimes)

It’s ok Gnus, glad I could hopefully help. I understand about the anxiety but it’s not a conversation that needs to be had with him right now. No need for the embarrassed emoticons either, from you or meg, the scars which are there because a low point in your lives may not be not very nice to look at but at least the ability to be able to look at them means you did come out the other side. X

Thank you all so much it's so so helpful to hear your opinions and I'm thinking much more clearly about now!

I think it’s important to watch for what might create copycat behaviour/ model an unhealthy way to cope.

But I’d hate my dc to view it as an option to consider,

These thoughts have also worried me as I first learned of self harm very young by a friends much older brother
I feel much better prepared now thanks to you lovely mumsnetters ❤️

My daughter is 4, I told her that when I was younger I had a fight with a monster, and it was very big and very scary, I tried to fight him on my own but I got hurt. So I got lots of people to help me and we managed to chase the monster away by working together and so now I know what to do if the monster comes back.

As she gets older and starts asking more questions/in an age appropriate way I'll explain depression to her in more depth but for now she's happy with my answer.

@CinderellasSecrets
It feels odd to say that I find your post about your explanation beautiful, given the content and context, but I do.

@CinderellasSecrets
This response is perfect!
As they get older they will understand what you meant by it.
And really it's not a lie it's a very good metaphor for depression.

If you wanted to keep it simpler I was going to just say they are from when you were poorly and you are better now. A 5yo doesn't need to know much more than that until they are old enough to properly understand.

When they were little I said they were scars, which is what happens when your skin gets hurt but bodies are so powerful and strong that they can fix themselves. Your body can do it too. Isn’t that cool?

When they were older and started to know people who self-harmed, I said “I did it too. These are my scars. I was messed up, confused and in distress, and I didn’t know what else to do. I understand how confusing and scary things can be.
“Things have moved on and more help is around these days. So if you have feelings like that at some point, I understand and I will fight your corner.”

I’m in a similar boat, OP. My two are tweens and so far I’ve laughed off the occasional query with “Mum faught a tiger, and won”. I’ll try to explain it when they are old enough to understand but I don’t think there’s ever going to be a great time, tbh. My scars are the result of a one-off but pretty serious SH incident 20-odd years ago. Most summers at least one person will catch me off-guard with a comment or question. Wish I had the balls to be open about what they are but usually I shrivel away out of pure embarrassment.

With the kids I’m trying to gently talk about mental health as a general topic in the same way we talk about physical illnesses. I’m big on talking about keeping healthy and getting exercise, fresh air, seeing friends and what we can do to keep our minds as well as our bodies fit. The eldest’s school is really good with all things MH-related, which I think will be beneficial and I’m hopeful the stigma associated with MH issues is gradually reducing. Helps to know there are others out there navigating this. Good luck.

I wouldn’t spin a lie about an accident, we teach dc lying is wrong so.....

I mean don’t go in to great detail but tell him the truth.

Start by saying they are scars which sometimes happen when you cut yourself, then and only then if he presses about how you cut yourself etc give him a watered down version of the truth

@BritneyPeedOnALadybug and @hiimumma thank you, it was the best explanation I could come up with because I didn't want to lie to her but obviously I couldn't really explain SH/depression to a young child either.

My daughter used to self harm and her arms are left terribly scarred. Legs too, but obviously much easier to cover up. She works with children and I was concerned they might be frightened or ask questions, as she doesn’t try to conceal them at all.

So far only one girl has commented, my daughter said she gently stroked her scars and and asked if she’d hurt herself (not asking if she self harmed, more if it was an accident, I guess), and daughter told her that she did but she was all better now.

I think your son will just see them as part of his mum. Someone that he sees all the time, and loves so much that they’re as familiar as your nose. He might ask when he’s bigger, and you can tell him properly, but for now, if he asks, just say that you hurt yourself a long time ago, but you’re all better now.

I really hope you are

I’ve got some visible scars, chicken pox on my nose, a horrible one in my eye from surgery, and a 5cm long narrow burn scar at the top of my chest. My children have never commented. I’ve asked them about the one in my eye as I’m self conscious of it, but they say you can’t see it. Yours will fade too.

@P1nkHeartLovesCake We do teach DC that lying is wrong, but we should also teach them about 'kind' lies. "Thank you, I'm full" rather than "That tastes disgusting" "Your drawing is lovely Dfriend" rather than "I could do better with my eyes shut". Things we say to protect others we care about. That's what this would be, I think.

Plus - if you're planning on doing Santa, as most of us do, then....

I blamed my old cat for mine. They don’t need to know, they are so young and innocent, they don’t need to know about cutting.