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Should I be OK with him going away like this?

7 replies

RA890 · 21/02/2020 09:23

Long story short, DP is planning to take his second trip away with work within a matter of months. There is ordinarily no travel with his job. It's for one week. The last time, he volunteered himself to go on a trip to Spain for a week, to a sort of convention thing. Not obligatory, no days in lieu earned, nothing. Just went with a work mate and boss paid for the tickets. I was heavily pregnant, working full time with our toddler to look after. At that point I expressed maybe somebody else could go instead (we had just moved into new home and money was very tight because of this) but he still went, basically just because he wanted to. I told him it was worth nothing that none of his work colleagues who have young children volunteered themselves to go, he shrugged that off. It really upset me.

Yesterday he announced that his new boss wants him to travel (further away this time) for one week in March. His boss asked him to chat to me first and see what we think. I told him if he has to go, then go. Again it doesn't seem obligatory, no mention of getting any days in lieu or anything in return for this travel. His job has never ever required any travel. I have no problem whatsoever with him travelling for work, but this seems to be rather him taking any opportunity to head off for a week.

Any thoughts??

OP posts:
Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 21/02/2020 09:57

Its a tough one this OP...If he is working and bringing back value to his company then I would suggest he go.However I like you have doubts he is travelling for work.My son regularly has to travel for work purposes..in the last month although based in yorkshire he has had to go to Amsterdam 3 times and Budapest and Hamburg...he has no choice,,it is fully paid for as part of his job and cost him nothing..its all down to expenses and although he enjoys going he wouldnt choose to if he didnt have to. I dont know what to suggest really for your dh...I think you would be better really and I am not saying he is trying to decieve you in any way but I would be looking to see if its more a mini holiday with workmates rather than a fact finding/confrence type trip....You are perfectly reasonable in expressing your wishes if it is non essential travel as you have all the comitments at home to deal within his absence...

SallyWD · 21/02/2020 10:01

It sounds like you're not happy at all and that's a valid response. My DH has always travelled with work. He doesn't particularly enjoy it but he chooses the trips which are of value to his work. I don't mind (I hate to admit but as much as I love him I actually enjoy it when he's away! Whole bed to myself, full control of TV remote etc).

Jane1727 · 21/02/2020 10:03

I travel about 4 times a year for work. Normally 3 or 4 days at a time. My husband has to cope with working full time and the kids. It is mostly essential but sometimes I volunteer as helping out can help further your career. It is not unusual to have to travel occasionally.
I am not sure it looks great to an employer if someone refuses. My husband travels less frequently but has done. I cope when he is away just as he does when I am away. It is more difficult yes but we make it work.

LoisLittsLover · 21/02/2020 10:04

Why would he get time in lieu?

ActualHornist · 21/02/2020 10:35

You don’t get TOIL for having to travel - at the most you get to leave a couple of hours early and show up a couple of hours late.

I don’t think he should have gone on the other trip but this one seems ok. It doesn’t like it’ll put you out too much, and he’s asked your permission too. I think he needs to ask if this is going to become a regular part of his role as it will impact you a lot if it does.

HopeYouStepOnALego · 21/02/2020 10:41

I wouldn't necessarily stop him travelling if it's work related, but I would be quite clear with him that you don't expect to waive a family holiday because he's been lucky enough to have a week away for work.

RA890 · 21/02/2020 11:10

I definitely agree that he needs to have a chat to his new boss about whether or not this travel will become a regular thing, this is a new job he has started and his boss travels constantly. If DP is going to become the one who he selects to accompany him on trips (they get along very well, DP is in a senior position at work and his opinion and input is valued), then there would have to be a serious discussion between us on this.
I did not expect travel to be part of this job at all, it never was before in any other company. And I know if it were the other way around, he would absolutely not want to be looking after a toddler and a baby for a week solo.
I also found it strange that his boss asked him to speak to me first, I would imagine that this kind of consultation would be advised if the travel was going to become a regular thing, because obviously that should be discussed with family first. It's all very odd the way it's being presented to me.

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