Death of my mother

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I lost my mum at 22 I had 1 little boy aged 2 and was pregnant with my second child. Since my mum passed my whole world has fallen apart. I miss her so much. I've had limit support and believe if my children weren't here neither would I. They are my reason for sticking around. My dad started dating a year after mum died and because I struggled to cope with it. Instead of getting through it together. He decided to cut me out of his life. I have my husband to lean on but there's so much he can help. Anyone else been in a similar position?

I’m so sorry. 22 is so young to lose your Mum. Not that it’s easy at any age but it must be extra tough . Not only that, you have a different loss with your father pushing you away at the very time you needed him.

How long ago was it when you lost your Mum? Have you had any bereavement counselling? Not that anything but time really let’s you carry around such a deep loss a little easier, but it can be helpful to talk to someone who has experience of helping people who are going through a particularly difficult bereavement.

I haven’t been in your position as I was double your age when my DM died but it was a traumatic and unexpected death and I wish I had had some professional help. It’s only recently I’ve had EMDR Therapy for PSTD which started after her death and it made me realise how I would have benefitted from some help many years ago.

It’s very normal to feel distraught after such a loss and it’s a tribute to the relationship you has with your Mum but if you are still feeling bereft and it’s been quite a few years since she passed, It might help to see someone. And it can be a lot easier to talk to a neutral third party then someone close like your DH.

PTSD not PSTD.

Sadly it does not matter what age you are, you miss your mum. I was in my late 50's when she died. I am 60 now and miss her very much. Not so much for conversation. She was not much good at that and couldn't wait to get me off the phone! "I must go..Your phone bill... Whereas she would gossip all the time with my SIL who she lived near. I also miss my dad who was more cerebral and we would talk about books and films and stuff.

There are still times when I think about ringing her. My aunt died recently, mum's sister and my brother and I realised ther was a lot we didn;t really know about the family or care about at the time. Dad was full of local history information which would have been interesting. My aunt did some great artwork at college. I suppose given that she went on to lecture in fashion design that is not surprising but I never knew!

It will be raw at the moment. The feelings won't exactly go away but they will not be as raw as they are now and you will be able to think fondly of stuff she said and did.

Why not put together a scrap book with photos and memories ready for your son to find out more about his Grandma? My dad did one about the family tree and it helped me learn more about my Grandfather who was a very quiet man. I couldn't find out much about him by talking to him because Grandma was very domineering and took over. All conversation would be about her or else!

Hi yeete, thank you very much for your message. She died 3 years ago in janurary. I looked after her for a year before she passed, it was the best thing I've ever done. Knowing she was cared for. I've never been to counselling. Is this something you recommend?

Yeeted* sorry x

Thank you deathraystare that's a wonderful idea! X

I think counselling can be useful if you feel you are struggling with a lot of upsetting feelings which are making it difficult to cope with life.

Three years isn’t that long since your darling Mum died but if you still feel utterly floored by grief it could be a good thing to look into. You’ve also probably got a whole lot of feelings about your fathers behaviour since her death and again it might help to speak to someone about these.

Years after my Mums death I couldn’t bear to look at the hospital building she died in when I had to pass it. I couldn’t look at any photos of her or talk about her and I had horrible images playing out like a clip from a film at random times for no apparent reason. Sometimes you just get stuck and can’t get past the grief, anger, guilt or whatever you are feeling, and thought I didn’t think you ‘get over’ such a big loss, it does start to be something people begin to carry around with them easier as the years go by.

If you feel your life is still totally dominated by loss I’d definitely consider some sort of counselling.