Advice please

[Louisana]

So Iv had my DD who is now 7months. My mother in law since she has been born has just been quite annoying and wasn't very nice at the start. I had a c section so needed quite a lot of help. My MIL would always put me down infront of others by saying that she does all the work and does everything for my DD, she even once said that i only gave birth to her but she's the one that's doing everything. She really put me down and made me feel very low. As u can imagine after having a baby you don't feel very great an she just made it a whole lot worse. This carried on for a while. I never addressed it with her as after a few months she has calmed down.

Now the problem is she just gives little sly comments here an there. So if my DH takes her over to MIL an Iv come over after a few hours to pick her up she would say omg her nappy was soaking wet etc. Again making me feel low an that i don't know what I'm doing.

So today she had DD and I had made her milk so I asked her to give me DD and she said no il do it you have had her all day. I said no il do it myself as my SIL has had her an I want to feed her myself. She was like noooo il do it jus give it to me. Then my SIL said don't worry your doing the last night feed too. I just find it so frustrating that she always wants to take over. She is my first born an I just don't know what to do? Or how to address it because at the same time MIL does help out a lot. Eg when we have date nights or if I have appointments etc she will look after her but sometimes she just takes over too much and makes little remarks!!

How can I deal with this without causing an argument or making it awkward between us??

Sorry for the long essay lol any advice please.

maybe but a bit of space between you both? Do you have any family on your side that can help out, instead of relying on MIL?

My MIL was the same, but as soon as my kids were school age it was easier to manage childcare so didn't need to see her as often.

@Popsdob thanks for reply. It's abit difficult as she lives next door to me ! Lol that's the problem.

My family live in another city and I have no other family here apart from in laws. So kind of stuck. So when I have appointments etc it's only MIL or SIL that can look after DD.

I do want to address it but I'm not sure how? As the previous things happened so long ago would it look silly if I bring them up now?

Not sure what to do?

Why don't you take your child with you to appointments?

Distance yourself as much as you can. Go to baby groups, swimming, park. Talk to other parents in those places and build up your support network that excludes them.

She always asks to watch DD

Also because she lives next door she wants my DD every evening. Even if I don't go around she will send my SIL to come an take her. So i can't really say no as it will seem like I'm trying to take her away from MIL an that will then cause issues.

Should I speak to her about how I feel. It's just so awkward an I don't like confrontation

Also recently I spoke to my DH about all the things she said when DD was first born. An DH said I should've addressed the situation then and then it wouldn't of made me feel the way I do today.

DH has said I need to speak to MIL otherwise he will.

I think if he speaks to her for me that will look bad on me that I'm telling DH about her an I can't deal with it myself. Not sure if I should address it or just let DH speak to his mum?

Even if I don't go around she will send my SIL to come an take her. So i can't really say no as it will seem like I'm trying to take her away from MIL an that will then cause issues

Tell her no. You’re the baby’s mum and you decide where she is and when. You’re not taking her away from MIL, you’re keeping her with her mother.

Let your DH speak to his family and set boundaries, it doesn’t need to be confrontational a simple “we really appreciate all your help while DW was recovering from the birth, it’s helped so much. We now really need to get into a routine as a family, and need some space to do that, can we agree that you’ll have baby/visit/we’ll visit every whatever day.

. Just say no! You’re her mother. Really, learn to stand up for yourself.

During the day I take her out for walks and we go to baby classes but in the evening totally free.

A few times when SIL has come to get DD I make an excuse an say "oh I'm putting her to sleep or I'm just feeding her etc" but it's draining that I have to even think of an excuse an I'm constantly worried that she will pop back to ask for DD again.

It's awkward because they live next door an she wants to see DD every single day an if I don't they feel like why haven't I come around. Am I in a mood etc?

DH has said he is going to speak to MIL in a few days an just say that " wife hasn't liked the things you've said in the past to people and also u don't make her feel like a good mum and u make her feel like she isn't doing a good job and she would prefer it if you didn't make her feel that way"

Move away. Or get your baby in to an evening routine at home. Dinner, bath and bed. All by 6:30pm.

Moving is not an option right as financially we can't.

I have tried with a routine but as she's only 7months I'm finding it abit hard to get her to bed earlier than what she does. This is my first child so slowly getting the hang off things. She usually goes to sleep around 8.30pm.

You don’t need to actually have a routine, just tell them you do. Then switch off downstairs lights and ignore the doorbell after 6pm. Having told them you will be putting your baby to bed at that time from now onwards.

For gods sake stop handing your child over in the evenings simply because MIL wants her. She's not a toy to be handed around. Have a word with your Dh and set some very firm boundaries. Stop answering the door to them in the evening. If they have a key and let themselves in just get the locks changed and don't ever give them a spare for any reason as sure as hell they'll get a copy. You are your child's mother. It time to let MIL that she has had her child rearing days and now it's your/dhs turn. Find alternative childcare for when you need a night out or stay in like the rest of us who don't have parents next door. When your Dh speaks to his mother make sure he says that HE doesn't like the way she puts you down. Do not have him tell her that you are the only one with the issues - he needs to be on your side and not giving the inlaws cause to think you are causing trouble.

That's actually a really good idea lol. I might try that. Thank you for your help xx

I have just spoke to DH about this and he just said let's do it a step at a time. He said he's going to have the conversation with his mum first and then see how she responds and we can take it from there.

Noooo! Not a step at a time. Just say you have a new routine starting today. Don’t answer the door. If needed say you have been told to do this by the Health Visitor.