What would Childline have done?

[Sausagepants]

I am slowly coming to terms with a childhood that was - in some respects - physically abusive.

It started at age 6/7 with slapping around the face, thighs etc. and progressed to verbal abuse and more serious physical abuse (hair pulling, kicking, throwing furniture).

I am seeing a counsellor to work through some of these feelings, as my parents are still alive, and in many ways very generous (financially, and great with their grandchildren, whom they would never, ever hurt). It is only very recently I have begun to accept this is abuse, and it has been very hard.

Reading my old diaries, I used to fairly regularly call Childine and then "chicken out", hanging up when someone answered. I was very worried about "ripping apart the family" - and especially worried I would be removed from my private school, which was my only real safe place.

When speaking with my counsellor, she asked what would I have liked to have happened, and I can't really answer it. I would have liked my parents to have stopped hitting. I would have liked it to be a lovely childhood. I would have liked my parents to have been given some support, and to have been told in no uncertain terms to stop.

What I don't know is what Childline - had I alerted them - or a teacher etc. - would actually have done. I suspect in the mid-90s, social services weren't as on-the-ball as they are these days, and "smacking" (although this went beyond that) was normal.

Without evidence (bruises etc.), what would have happened, had I actually been brave enough to talk to someone?

They would have given you the emotional support you clearly needed. They would have also given you someone of offload on and this may have helped your mental health. They may have even given your parents support if they were finding life difficult rather than 'taking you away'. You say your parents are good grandparents? What caused them to be that way with you? Stress? Thinking it was the right thing to do at the time?

im sorry you had to go through this i went through a similar childhood and never had the bottle to tell anyone. Trouble is my parents aren't good grandparents either and are still nasty and selfish. I often think about what may have happened if id have spoken up.

@numberonecook I think it was stress, combined with a 7 year age gap with my brother, so newborn baby in the house. To my knowledge he was never hit.

Mum would defend it as having lost her temper (which she sees as defensible) and would follow up with "but you were a little shit". Dad would (possibly genuinely) not remember it.

They never did it when the other one was in the house.

I am only just beginning to challenge the idea that I was a bad child (bookish, straight A student, Oxbridge grad). And that even if I was, it's not an excuse for violence.

Also @numberonecook for you.

I don’t know if it was the same then as now, but I have volunteered for ChildLine for a few years. Definitely would have listened, possibly signposted some support elsewhere, but wouldn’t have passed it further without your consent.

It’s great that you are getting some support now

@TheZeppo Thank you. And thank you also for supporting today's children. I hope my own never needed it like I did.

I used them myself as a child so it is very much my way of paying it forward

I never rang them as mistakenly thought it was for "real abuse" (ha! Learning so much now as I investigate my own traumatic childhood.)
I think I thought the police would come and Id be in trouble or soemthing. In those days the phone was in the middle or the house so wouldnt be particularly private really either.

I used to devour problem pages and even looked up the gloassary in a bible to see if I could find an "answer" to surviving in a difficult home.

Its only now I see the full range of abuse I realise quite how bad it was and why my life is so stuffed up (also oxbridge grad but 40 and failing at life :( ) .

It’s a brave and positive decision to seek support now, OP

ChildLine has evolved over the years and now offers an email service and one to one chats online as well as the option to phone.
There is also a very informative website for children and young people.

Making that phone call can feel daunting, so as a young person who kept diaries, writing your feelings to counsellor may have worked really well for you.
It’s such a shame that service didn’t exist for you then.
It’s great, though that more children and young people have an alternative to making that phone call these days.

I can see that you wonder what would have happened.
I hope a counsellor would have said that the physical abuse you describe was not ok.
That you deserve to feel safe, respected and happy.
And that you are not alone, that ChildLine is there to support you every step of the way.
Different options for you could have been explored and the idea of a trusted adult in your life who may have been able to help, may have been raised.

At the heart of ChildLine is the confidentiality promise which is taken very seriously as a pp has said.

It sounds like you’ve achieved a great deal in your life so I hope the counselling you’re receiving now helps you for your future.
Wishing you all the very best.

Sorry this happened to you, I had an abusive childhood too. I'm not really sure that's a useful question from your counsellor. Even you are in that situation there is no "good" possible outcome other than your parents stopping being abusive. Why would they ask you what type of shit outcome was better? And it's too late anyway, I can't see where that leads you, unless it's to make you feel better that there were very valid reasons for you not to speak to Childline.

Thank you all.

@TabbyStar I am perhaps paraphrasing. My counsellor was asking me what I would like to tell that 11 year-old me, and I said I would find it hard to give advice because to this day, I didn't really know what the options were, or what would have been done, had I "told".

@SquashedFlyBiscuit Everything you said rang true. I had the Gideon advice Bible too. I've always been an atheist, but did also turn to it to see if it could help (it didn't). I also found (retrospectively) I buried myself in my friends' problems as their problems were REAL, and mine were self-inflicted, so I felt.

Plus, again with hindisight, my teenage years were a desperate looking for female role models - teachers, sixth formers, bosses that I used to be obsessed with - but never in a sexual way. Sad really. Really sad.

Sorry for the late reply on this. Since my last counsellor appointment on Friday, I have barely stopped crying and I don't even know why. I am constantly preoccupied and everything feels dreadful, which is weird because nothing bad has happened regarding this for about 25 years! I have found it hard (but helpful) to revisit this thread.