How would you feel if dp/dh says this to you

[granadagirl]

So I’ve known him 20yrs, been living together nearly 17yrs. Partnered. No kids together, I have 1 adult son
Every now and then usual after words, he will come out with the statement
“ well you now what you can do”

How would you feel ?

@alwaysmovingforwards I found it difficult to comprehend but I think the below is roughly what OP meant. Sorry @granadagirl hope I don’t offend you by attempting to put it into an easier to read explanation?

• Me - I was reading to him that the Sky Subscription was going up He - Bloody hell, mind you it’s not that bad it’s the BT (I’m assuming OP means the phone line charge). Me - yes but over £20 of the cost is for the Sports Package He - We’ve got £109 spare left in the joint bills bank account Me - that’s ok He - I must have paid too much money in Me - why are you assuming it was you who overpaid? I might have. Don’t withdraw it, just in case He - if you can afford to leave it in there, then you must have too much money because I haven’t got any money left over.

Me - no, I haven’t got too much money but £20 odd quid won’t get you much
(I don’t really understand this part)
He - well I’m not putting that much in next month if £109 is left over
Me - you’re so money mad, you’re tight

Then the statement
“If you don’t like it, you know what to do”

He didn’t speak after, about half hour later he went upstairs for about 45 mins (lying on bed i think)
He - when he came down ask did I want drink
Me - no

He hasn’t spoken, Just going about his stuff
I feel an atmosphere around
But I don’t know what I’ve said???*

So you were both talking about the Sky bill and BT sports. And there's a mysterious extra bit of money in your joint bills account and you both believe you're the ones who overpaid.
He wants to put less in and you called him right?

FFS Tight

Sorry it’s hard for you to make sense off
I didn’t want to make it long winded but back fired.

Ffs
Thank you

It was fine until he mentioned there was £109 left in bill account. I know there’s a dd due still to come out on 26th £46 = £63 left
So hence around £20 each back from bill account (rough estimate)
That’s when he said, he must off put too much money in(assuming he) not us or me
That’s when I said we may as well leave it in
He then said I must have to much money in that case

What I was getting at was
It’s only £30 odd pound each, it might come in handy to have a bit of a float in bills bank account.

He then turned round and said, well I’m not putting that much in next month no way
To me, he made it out like I want the £30 back
The thing is when he wants anything
He just gets it no problem there, even if he doesn’t need it.
He was trying suits on on Monday, the last time he wore a suit was his dad’s funeral 3 years ago.
His money I know ( I’ve no problem with that)
But I know he wouldn’t wear it
He’s got trainers/shirts/jumper in the wardrobe not worn
Yet he wouldn’t leave the £30 for back up in the bank

It’s the going from conversation to the sentence off
If you don’t like it, you know what you can do and him assuming it was he who put too much money in the bill bank account.
I just feel hurt by just saying leave the money in the bank.

It feels petty now writing it out again
Just I’d never say that line to him

Well, you’re right in that it’s sensible to have extra in a joint bills account.

I think you should both pay individual money into your joint account via internet banking now, and any actual cash deposited into it in the bank by either of you won’t count and then that way all monies can be traced back and divided up to the last penny so this won’t happen again.

I don’t know if it’s just me not seeing it but now you’ve explained it I still don’t get your hurt from that line in particular. To me, it’s something you say when you get a bit exasperated and don’t agree with something but don’t want to argue with then or continue with the conversation with them for the time being.

Is this the only thing or one single thing added on top of a lot of other things?

Are you clear what it is you can do op?
It sounds to me like
It’s my way or the high way.

If it is then that’s not love.

Sorry OP but I’m going to be the annoying person who points it out because of it’s repeated use - of not off. Makes understanding what’s written even more difficult.

Anyhow - he nicely side stepped the Sky Sports point didn’t he? diverted attention away by mentioning BT and then about how much is still left in the account.

It’s not nice to repeatedly be told “you know what you can do then”. Married or not married you still have to decide if you want to spend your days with someone who says that kind of thing particular over something so trivial. Can’t even really be classed as something said in the heat of the moment that he didn’t really mean.

You've been together for 17 years and you don't share your finances - well there's a problem right there. No wonder you argue about such petty amounts.

If he says the phrase again ( well you know what you can do) just ask him what he means. Nobody on MN can know exactly what he means - only he knows that.

This would drive me batty OP. It sounds petty and lacking in any kind of respect for you.

Is the budget really tight or something? DP and I don't share finances, but we would never argue about such a small amount.