Practical ideas for anxiety/overthinking/low self-esteem

[cotdottons]

I’m 32 and since my mid twenties I have suffered with all of the above. I have done counselling for a year which helped in the sense that I could get everything out in the open and she helped me work through things/figure out solutions.
This might stem from a difficult relationship with my mother growing up and at present. She has her own mental health difficulties and quite serious ones I would say and often when she would be stressed or something is out of her control she lashed out at me saying horrible things about both my personality and my body which obviously deeply upset me.
Maybe this isn’t the reason I have these issues now but I thought it was worth mentioning. I also went through a horrible time in work last year and it’s only now I’m beginning to move on from that and recover.

I would love to get some practical ideas for how to improve/overcome the over thinking and self doubt which probably leads to the anxiety and low self esteem.

I have had such bad luck in dating and am beginning to think that it’s all my fault and there must be something wrong with me. Aside from all my “issues” and lack of self esteem, I do think I’ve a lot to offer but I constantly focus on the negative things. Maybe if I wasn’t so ___ the guy wouldn’t have ghosted/ended it or walked away.

I would love nothing more than marriage and children with the right person and I’m the only one out of three groups of friends that is single and it can be really hard. I just keep talking and thinking negatively about myself. I exercise quite a lot and I try keep busy which does help but I lie awake at night beating myself up over stuff.

I know people say having a partner doesn’t solve everything but a lot of my anxiety stems from this as when you see people moving on around you and you’re not, it’s difficult not to take it to heart. I went on a date two weeks ago and felt we got on quite well. We had a little kiss but contact wasn’t great in the week after. I decided one evening I’d text him as I’d rather just know what the story was and he never even replied. I didn’t sleep that night as I kept going over the date on my head and what I could have said/done differently. Has anyone ever managed to get out of this self-doubting,negative train of thought as I feel it’s a vicious circle, giving out to myself for having those thoughts but not able to stop them.

I swap my catastrophic thinking with positive affirmations. Sometimes that's printing out some inspirational verses to read regularly, sometimes that's just telling myself positive things.

So I kind of say 'stop!' to stop the cycle and then... 'I'm not going to get fired because I haven't done anything wrong/I'm good at my job/it was a small mistake that I've corrected/it won't matter in a few weeks' etc etc. Anything to break the cycle really. It seems bonkers at the beginning but it is getting more natural now.

Thanks for that Purple Crazy Horse. What you said makes sense as once I start with the negative thinking it just spirals and could end up in be lying awake over something that happened last year. I had been on medication for anxiety and took it for 6 months last year after which time, the doctor advised me to start coming off of it. I definitely notice a difference and felt there was much less of the negative thoughts while I was on medication. But yet I do not want to rely on it so would prefer to be off it if at all possible.

I’d just love to know if there were a number of steps one could take in being more positive towards oneself as I don’t want to fall into another downward spiral. Maybe I’m not strong enough for the online dating but if I don’t do that then that’s one less way of ever meeting someone and I don’t think I want to give up on that just yet.

What do you do to be kind to yourself? Do you hang around with people who are positive towards you? Can you surround yourself with positive things for a while, positive books, comedies rather than dramas, cheerful music?

Do you get in touch with nature, which is proven to help improve mild to moderate depression? Would you consider doing meditation, yoga, and Pilates, which can help to still the mind from racing and anxious thoughts? Exercise is also important for this.

Do you have a balance in your life between time and energy you spend on others, on friends, on work, on self care, on family, on exercise, on hobbies etc.?

You could try when you start getting anxious thoughts to just allow yourself to feel them, acknowledge them, be kind to yourself and then challenge them. E.g I am feeling like a bad person, these are my thoughts now and is causing me pain and I'm going to be kind to myself about feeling pain. Then I'm going to think about actually all the times I've been a good person, all the kind things I've done for others; everyone gets things wrong at times but I can forgive myself when I get things wrong.

I also recommend Pete Walker's (a psychotherapist) book on CPTSD, which is basically the trauma you experienced by having neglectful, uncaring or cruel parents. He has a website if you don't want to buy the book, which has some exercises you can do.

And of course your negative thoughts and anxiety are connected to your childhood. You have internalised a critical and unkind voice. But given time you can change that voice to a caring and kind one.

It is hard and I do have to remind myself that I was made this way over many years, it won't be a quick fix. I don't think I'll fully escape it but I am slowly managing to let go and not rehash the past. Sometimes I remind myself that nobody else will remember that action/word so why am I mulling on it? Or I give myself 5.mins to think about it, then stop myself.

By reminding myself that no one else remembers is helping me focus outside of myself. Almost lifting my eyes up to the bigger picture.

I found running really helped as my heart was naturally beating faster when I ran and it got the “flight” part out of my system for my body.
Long term - counselling is tough but worth sticking at. You might take a while to find the right match.
You will get better. You can do it. You’re being so brave coping with it already so have faith in your strength.

I suffer from GAD and I have to be honest that AD's plus some CBT have totally transformed my life. I would have previously felt the same as you and not wanted to be on medication long-term, but my life is so much better after two years on them. I recently spoke with my doctor about cutting down and she suggested cutting them in half (from 10 to 5 mg) and I'll probably do this.

My take is that something's slightly "off" emotionally/chemically and the medicine remedies it. I've made several new friends and enjoyed life in a way that I just didn't before as I was constantly worried and always questioning everything. My relationship has improved as well.

Sorry, this isn't the advice you want, but thought I'd share my experience.

Thanks for all the replies. I guess I just feel like this is getting worse before it gets better. I’m awake since 5am and all that’s going through my head is why did the guy I went on one date with ghost me and what’s so wrong with me that he couldn’t even be bothered to send one text saying he wasn’t into it. I haven’t been sleeping at all recently.
There is also a big fear within me of being alone. My dad and Mam are in their mid 70s and I have one brother. He is fine but earlier on in the year when I had an injection for a disc issue in my back I had to beg him to collect me as I wasn’t allowed drive and literally had nobody else.
I keep having this feeling of dread over my life in the future if I don’t meet a partner as I feel I will have nobody there to support me and in that case I know I will find life so hard.

I try to do all the right things, exercise, proper diet and sleep. I fill my time as much as possible with walks, meeting friends, cooking/baking but I can’t shake this terror of feeling so alone. The counselling does help and when I leave there I feel great and then over the next few weeks the anxiety and fear comes back and I’m dying for the next appointment then. I feel she must be so tired of listening to me with the same issues over the past 10 years.

Sorry my last line was supposed to read “same issues over the past year”, not 10 years.

Dating is brutal. It's not about you but about him. People these days seem to think they're entitled to ghost others.

She won't be tired of listening to you. It's her job. But are you really getting to the root of your issues with your parents? I'd like to think that you would do after a year of counselling. Are you sure she's the right counsellor for you or is it just about being listened to rather than really moving forward?

There is also a big fear within me of being alone

This. This will seep into your relationships and affect the way you relate to one another so you really need to address this. I'm telling you now that the most lonely I have ever felt was when I was in a relationship with the wrong person. He was there, but I felt alone and unsupported. I would recommend you do positive affirmations daily (its like going to the gym- you might not want to do it but over time it WILL have an effect). Also, look into emotional freedom technique, lots of youtube videos on that. Get some books from amazon- basically, take control of this- that wont prevent you meeting anyone and it will help you form a solid basis of self esteem before you get into another relationship

I understand what you mean about being alone, I used to have vivid dreams about being alone and would wake up crying.

I agree with a PP that seeing your current counsellor doesn't seem to be making much difference, I would think you'd feel some benefits by now.

I'd suggest going back to your doctor and finding out whether you can change counsellors and I really wouldn't rule out medication either. You need to do what's best for you and stop these racing thoughts and fears, they're clearly draining you.