Can anyone help me with my 8 week old DS?

[GoldPaperStars]

I have a 8 week old DS. I’m a first time mum.

DS is combination fed as he wasn’t able to put on any weight just with my breast feeding. He brings up milk after almost every bottle feed and some breast feeds. Not always immediately, sometimes an hour or two later, but usually lots. GP has said it’s not reflux, he’s just a sicky baby. He also suffers with trapped wind, which obviously upsets him.

He’s an OK sleeper and will sleep for chunks of the night but not in any predictable pattern. He flights sleep in the daytime and will only sleep on me - screams if put in a cot.

Now that he’s out of the newborn phase I’ve become totally overwhelmed by managing his eating (and associated multiple cleanup operations after he’s sick) and getting him to sleep as well as knowing that I’m now supposed to have some kind of routine and be playing with him and getting out of the house. I’ve become very anxious since having him and become very anxious about getting out of the house with him alone. NCT mums are going to classes and I keep making excuses not to join them. I’m becoming really concerned that I’m so preoccupied with the existing stuff that I’m going to miss opportunities to support his development or do the wrong thing somehow. I’ve been looking at sleep info and everything says that I should be teaching him to self sooth but he gets hysterical if we try.

Can anyone help me? I just want to know what I should be doing / what I can expect at this age. Everything I look at is telling me different things and I’m becoming paralysed by the contradicting options and the fact that I only get one chance to raise him. I’m also knackered, dealing with a chronic health condition and worried that I’m simply not good enough to be his mum.

It is far too early for routine. It does not matter what you do or don’t do now.

Get our with your NCT group, sick is normal- one of our group is very sicky. Just take bibs and muslins and get out and about.

Self soothing is utter nonsense in my book, buy even if you believe in it 8 weeks is far too early for it. Wait until you are over the 4 month regression before you worry about sleep routines.

Everyone is winging it at 8 weeks, you are doing great.

Eight weeks is teeny tiny! Still a newborn.

At 8 weeks I think I had a C-section infection, had left the house maybe twice, was still crying all the time, and our "routine" was: Rock the baby to sleep 18,000 times a day for 20-minute naps, all on me. What's a cot? Breastfeed entirely at random whenever she wanted. Browse Mumsnet on my phone and eat chocolate buttons. Occasionally plonk daughter on playmat and have a shower or eat something. Mute the NCT WhatsApp group.

Routines come much much later, when the baby needs fewer, longer naps, and has solid meals. Much easier to structure a day around 3 meals and 2 naps than 100% boob and little mini sleeps. Still haven't cracked cot naps, mind.

If he's throwing up more after being bottle fed is there a chance of him being allergic to cows milk?

If thats the case and your BF, you'd also have to give it up.

Aw easier said than done but try not worry yourself. At 8 weeks the best you can do is keep talking to them and singing if you like! I used to give running commentaries to my DS and he loved it.
They’re so small you’re not going to be missing developmental needs just being close to his mummy is enough IMO! They’re figuring out the world now that they’re outside and that takes small steps.
As for the routine you’ll kind of fall in to it, once they start becoming more clear on wake times/ naps, feeding, being alert etc you’ll be able to work around that. But again loosely as babies constantly change their mind!
Try not stress too much, most wing it at this stage. You’re the best mum your little one can ask for.

First of all get the idea that you should be in some kind of routine out of your head and the idea that an 8 week old needs to be able to self soothe. He's a tiny baby and relies on you for everything including feeling safe. Unfortunately babies change the goal post all the time especially with growth spurts.
I think if you think something is wrong with being sick then go back to your doctor or health visitor.
And you can only do what you think is best at the time. You will never make a rod for your own back as when something stops working for you or your baby, change it. Everyone will have a different opinion but doing what you are comfortable with is the only thing that matters. Try and get out, make friends it really will make you feel better.

Try not to get overwhelmed with dealing with everything at once, try to get more confident with one thing at a time and forget routine just do what works in the moment, he's only 8 weeks. Don't worry about big picture stuff like is he getting enough entertainment or teaching him things etc, this early phase goes so quickly don't feel any guilt about just snuggling up and enjoying each other. You're his safe place and there's nothing wrong with that, it's instinct for babies more than what a parenting book is telling us. Maybe start with putting him in a baby carrier and start with a 15min walk round the block on your own, might help him settle and you can build your confidence with getting out and about

As others have said, you won’t have any kind of routine for a very long time. 8 weeks is still pretty much newborn in my opinion.

Babies are sick all the time. It’s no reason not to go out. Until you get over the initial hurdle of getting out of the house it will feel like a massive challenge. But it’s really not.

Honestly my love at this stage, just get through the day.
The baby groups are for your sanity, not the babies.
Try and go for a nice walk in the day to get some fresh air and be out, maybe go to a coffee shop. If you don’t, that’s ok too.
8 weeks old is so tiny and it’s so hard.

Regarding the milk, have you tried gripe water or colief (I think that’s what it’s called! Mine is 6 now!)
Do whatever you need to do. You’ll finally crack if and he will change and there will be a new thing to get to grips with!

I promise you’re doing an amazing job.
Everybody is fed, nobody is dead is the mantra

You’ve got this 💪

Honestly, we're all just winging it. There is no definite right way of doing it. Once he is safe and loved, the rest is mostly just opinion.

Best advice I can offer is for you to do whatever feels right for you. I know it’s difficult with your first but if you can, ignore all the books and anyone else’s advice and go along with the routine and decisions that best fit you and your baby.
I know some people have great success with routine but in my experience as a mum of 4, as soon as you try to set one, their feeding and waking routine changes again and the routine you’ve set no longer really works. If trying to get him to self soothe distresses you or him then pick him up and give him a cuddle! I promise you that you will not be making a rod for your own back as some people will inevitably say. Babies change over the months and I found that the style of getting them to sleep also changed. So for example they don’t always need to be on your chest to go to sleep but do still like you nearby for a while.

Another tip is to tip some milk into the corner of a sandwich bag and then hold it up against your baby’s stomach area. You will be amazed how little they need to be full and so hopefully this will put your mind at ease re the sickness after a feed. Of course I’m no expert but I would be surprised if he wasn’t getting sufficient food if he is not sick until an hour or so later, this would suggest it is merely the overflow from a full tummy.

Lastly, try not to be stressed that you aren’t getting out as much as you think you should be. It will not be any kind of problem for your DS but when you do feel more confident, it is nice for you to meet up with friends and feel like you can talk to other adults and have a bit of time for you.

At 8 weeks I’m sure your DS will just be happy with lots of snuggles and smiles and a bit of time in a bouncer watching you mill around when he’s awake. No need to worry too much about how you are going to raise him at this stage, cross those bridges and make those decisions when to get to each next stage. I’m sure you’re a great mum and sorry to hear you’re feeling anxious. It is a lot to get used to but I found that I was way less stressed once I went with what I wanted and stopped trying to do things other people or books wanted me to do!

There’s no real ‘should be doing’, honestly. The reason there’s so much conflicting advice is that it’s all opinion. Some parenting info you read will be evidence based, but then still doesn’t account for your baby’s unique traits and qualities. I really experienced relief when I stepped away from the internet and tried to get a feel for what my baby needed and acted responsively. If groups don’t feel right just now, don’t do them. Since you’re knackered, just think about what you need to feel more comfortable and relaxed - as that’s the best thing for your baby and will help you be as responsive as you can, without forcing anything. If you’re relaxed you’ll see what to do, easily. And you’ll make some mistakes, and do it differently next time. Most of us have cut our baby’s finger when trimming their nails/misjudged when they need fed and have them scream all the way home/dropped things on them etc. It feels all so precious not to get it right all the time but honestly, I think the main thing is to see the pressure you’re putting on yourself and relax as much as possible.

I remember people telling me ‘just enjoy every minute’ with my first and thinking ‘fuck off, I’m too tired/anxious/sore’ to enjoy, but feeling guilty for not enjoying every minute and believing every other mum was. They are not. It’s bloody hard, especially first time.

That’s my speech! Sorry, cathartic somehow! Wish I hadn’t wasted so much time on worry.

Stop worrying about what baby is supposed to be doing. Honestly people talk so much crap about babies and routines and self soothing.

8 weeks is still teeny tiny. Stop worrying. Don't compare. Just relax and look after yourself.

I had massive anxiety after both babies and I wish someone had told me it was ok and that I just had to do what was right for me....so that is what I'm telling you.

I also had sicky babies btw, get loads of bibs and just always have one on him. It probably is something like reflux or even possibly an intolerance, GP's are notoriously crap with stuff like this.

I have just had my 3rd baby. It is the first child I’ve had where I have not stressed about routine ect. I cannot tell you how much better it is, the baby is more settled and I am not having bloody panic attacks. Don’t worry about the routine.
I also use aptimil anti reflux milk for her as she was also throwing up a lot, you need a faster flowing teat but it’s really helped.

Everyone is winging it and it gets better I promise

Same as previous posters 8 weeks is still a newborn in my books, fourth trimester and all that! Don’t put too much pressure on any kind of routine, you’ll find yourself wasting hours trying to get them to sleep at a certain time, never get out in case they have to eat at a certain time. Just go with the flow and make your life as easy as possible, pop him in a sling and go to those baby groups! What’s the worst that can happen, those mums are there to support you, let them help 🙂

Colief has been my saviour (it breaks down the lactose in milk), we have gone from umpteen clothing changes a day to none but it has been a battle to get the GP to listen

You'll feel so much better if you step away from all the 'should'. He's 8 weeks, he NEEDS to be warm, fed, changed, cuddled and cleaned and that's about it. You can't play with an 8 week old other than to pull faces at them or plonking them in front of the washing machine (mine both LOVED that. When it was on, obviously!).
Try keeping him upright as much as possible, prop him on a pillow or cushion whilst sitting with him and just ensure he's supported. You can incline the pram a bit- again as long as he is completely supported and not slouched in in any way. Carry him around the house for a bit after feeds and show him stuff- fairy lights or stand in front of the telly or a window.
Both mine have had quite a good routine from birth really but it was my routine rather than theirs if that makes sense? So we bathed once they were able to at 6.30ish, I got in with them in a deep, warm bath and swished the water about a bit which they enjoyed, neither liked bathing alone. I did always have DH available in the evenings though so he'd take them, I'd shower and he'd dress them. Then it was lights down from 7ish. We'd have the telly on, baby in moses basket facing away from telly but otherwise lights down. If they fed/ napped/ slept on us or on a cushion on the sofa with a hand on them we just went with it but kept it to nighttime style cuddles and feeding. Then they came to bed with us when we went. Sometimes it was great, baby slept and was put down after each feed and sometimes they puked, were fed every half hour and had to be walked round to stop them crying. We did get peaceful bedtimes eventually but it was always disturbed eventually by colds/ teething etc.
Please don't stress yourself worrying about what you 'should' be doing, it's the road to nowhere! Do what works for and feels right for you and your baby.

He's not out of the newborn phase! Sleep got organised (I.e. somewhat predictable, if still not what I'd have liked) for my kids much later, around 4.5 months for DS, even later for DD. DS was a super sicky baby, I remember sobbing as I changed the sheets on the bed, all of both our clothes and showered for the umpteenth time. But he grew out of it. I do recommend trying to get out of the house for your own sanity, but ALL an 8 week old needs is cuddles and food, and maybe a bit of chat from you, they really don't need simulation. Classes are totally wasted on them. You're doing fine. It will be ok.

Oh God, thank you all so much. I want to give each one of you a massive, pathetically grateful, very unmumsnetty hug.

All I hear is that you should savour every moment and it’s sodding impossible. And then I feel guilty. It’s hard to believe that it’s ever going to get easier or more enjoyable but I keep reminding myself that people have more than one child so it must do!

Joining in on the '8 weeks IS still newborn' chant. Honestly, you are doing just fine. It's fine if an 8 week old falls asleep on you (just make sure you have a drink, phone, remote control or iPad in easy reach ). There are no classes you need to go to at 8 weeks. It is good, however, to get out for a bit each day if you can manage it, if only for the fact that a walk in some fresh air is good for your sanity.

Enjoy your snuggly newborn, and know that when it's hard, it really doesn't last forever.

I didn't have a routine with a set time until my DD was 7 months old, instead we had a routine in the order we did things. Wake, play, feed, sleep, wake, play, feed etc. The sleep times generally fell around the same time but I did both sleep and feed on demand. I now have an almost 10 month old who has one nap a day at 1.00pm and goes to sleep at 6.45pm and wakes at 7.00am. Oh, and I rocked her to sleep and she has only started self settling from 8 months.

My advice for what it's worth is follow the baby's lead and don't try and implement a routine as you'll end up stressing yourself out.

Also, research cows milk protein allergy as my dd has this and was incredibly sick. We often walked home from baby groups with her in a nappy and vest and me all soggy. Her sickness never stopped me doing anything as I was just prepared with muslins, wipes and a sense of humour.

You're doing a great job, you have grown a baby and have brought him into this world. Enjoy the cuddles.

I felt exactly the same as you at this point, it does get easier. For me it's only been in the last four weeks (he's 20 weeks now) and I don't know what I've done or if it's just that he's bigger but he's so much easier across the board. I started a little night time routine around 8 weeks, all I do is take him up to the bedroom with only a little lamp on, change his nappy and put pyjamas on, feed him and put him in his crib. I don't think it matters what you do or at what time at this point, just keep doing the same thing when you put him to bed. Even if you have to rock him to sleep. Now he knows it's bed time and goes down no problem. Once we cracked that I started trying to get it to a regular time which suited us both which is still a bit of a work in progress but we're getting there. He still doesn't fully self soothe but all I have to do is shush him and stroke his cheek or nose, I make a point of never picking him up unless he's actually crying and then I'll feed him. I think now he's a bit more developed his wind isn't an issue anymore which has been life changing! Try not to stress, you're still in the survival stage! Just do what you've got to do to survive, don't put pressure on yourself and it'll all start falling together in the next couple of months x

I had two sicky babies. Would bring something back after each feed. Never without a bib and I’d have to take a change of clothes out for me as well as them! Having them in a sling rather than a pram helped. Self soothing isn’t necessary ime. Enjoy your baby.

My baby was like that and fortunately the HV saw her being sick at an appointment and took it seriously. Don't be fobbed off - go back to your GP. We found baby Gaviscon really helped - just a half dose in each bottle. She was still prone to sickiness but it wasn't the relentless battle it had been.

You have my sympathy - my other tip is when you go out take a spare top for yourself as well as a couple of changes for the baby. So horrible when you are caught out and have to go home with a wet top. Obviously a ton of muslins so you always have at least one to hand. Good luck.