Pregnant and so depressed, sad, overwhelmed by the advice I'm getting

[SoonMummy]

NC. Sorry this is long but I'm at my wits end and needed to try and get this out in writing. I am currently pregnant with my first. Context is DH and I have been trying for a while with some difficulties and had some fertility treatment etc before luckily falling pregnant naturally in the end. I'm an "older" mum too, and there have been some risks but all good now. So obviously I've had a long time to read all about pregnancy and get myself fit and prepared.

Lately, I have seen a number of friends socially for the first time since they've known about pregnancy. All of them have DC of their own, of various ages from babies right up to grown up children. I appreciate that between them there is a wealth of parenting experience. However, I have found myself feeling increasingly frustrated, bogged down and overwhelmed by all the advice I've been getting. It has been relentless. I really feel it's oppressive and overwhelming me. From advising me what vitamins to take, to what pillow to use, what to do during the birth, what changing mat, cot, sleep regime, how to breast feed, how I will feel, how I will fail (it's only natural), and so on. Now I'm sure that much of the advice is true, but I have felt ready to cry or scream at times with the sheer relentlessness of it. I went out for a drink with my good friend at the weekend and she went on and on for about an hour with this stuff. I felt I really wanted to cry by the end. I felt so disempowered and deflated like it was all hopeless.

One of the hardest aspects is that because I don't have children, it feels like there's nothing I can say in return. I have no leg to stand on because they have been through it and I haven't. Because the response will always come back as 'you don't know what it will be like until you have one'. Which is of course true. But then it feels like I have to just sit there and have all this advice told to me over and over again. There have been a few times when a friend has been going on and on about something, eg a sleeping position, or diet, and I have said I am already doing that, and they haven't even heard me and they just carried on going on about what I should be doing.

Everyone's an expert it seems. My friend at the weekend is not someone I would have ever expected this from- she is normally very chilled out, quite a hippy, easy going and of a "live and let live" sort of view, but even she was telling me how I would feel and what was the best thing re the birth etc. I don't want to be told how I will feel. I find that really hard to hear.

Also, I have been reading a lot of books on parenting etc and just doing my own research on a few bits, and on the few occasions I've mentioned something I'd like to 'try' (like having a next to me cot for example) I get immediately shut down- "well that will be impossible if you have a baby who refuses to sleep anywhere except in your bed", or "well that won't work if you have a needy baby", or "if you have a clingy baby you can forget this / that etc etc".

I know I don't have all the answers- no-one does. But I'd like to feel I have the opportunity to plan for my child in the way I want to, and give certain things a go. If they don't work out then I'm an intelligent adult and I'm sure DH and I will work something out. But I feel patronised and stifled / claustrophobic by all the advice and opinion I've received from my female friends lately. I have literally come home from seeing them and cried. I'm shocked about it because in some cases we are talking about close friends whom I would never have thought would be so full on, and they are not the sort of people who normally tell me what to do about any other aspect of my life. There's something about this motherhood thing that seems to make other women feel they are the experts. In many ways they are- of their OWN experiences. But I just want to be free to have my own experience.

It's also patronising to advise me things that I'm clearly going to know about, given I've been TTC for so long and I'm not a young teenage mum who fell pregnant by accident. For example, a friend this weekend reminded me I shouldn't eat certain cheeses like Camembert, or raw meat, or do any risky sports where I might fall over.... It was all I could do to not scream "FFS I KNOW!!!!!"

I think I have a hard time being told what to do anyway, but I feel like these friends are almost just ignoring my voice, and invalidating my experience. I can't stress enough, these friends are not normally like this and I've never felt about them like this before. I had a tough childhood and one of the things I am hopeful for is that I'll be a better mum that my own mother was. Whatever I say, and however hopeful I am about my parenting, or however much DH and I look forward to being good parents, I get told "well you might have a difficult baby", or "your baby might be a crier and there'll be nothing you can do to stop it" and that's that. As if what I do is completely irrelevant. On the flip side if that, they will also say that if my baby is calm or happy that it's only down to pot luck.

I just want to curl up and cry and it's got to the point that I'm terrified to talk about my pregnancy with any girlfriends. I change the subject and talk about other things because I can't bear it. I feel like I want to keep my pregnancy secret from people, although that's not possible, or just hide away at home and stop speaking to anyone. It's made me feel quite depressed about it all and I'm struggling to feel optimistic as I was before, after trying to conceive for so long.

I don't know if anyone can understand this.

Just change the subject. So they say: well, your baby will need a changing unit; you say: yes, they will. Have you seen the new Bond film? And so on... until they realise you don’t want to talk about it.

What you say is this:

"I'm not taking unsolicited advice. If I want some advice, I will ask."

Bugger. Skim read and missed the bit where you say you change the subject. Sorry.

Welcome to the world of being an expectant mother ! This problem is one of the things which we all experience when we tell people "I'm pregnant !"

All I can suggest is that you learn to smile, nod, and say "thanks for the tip ! Now how about we go for coffee". And then refuse to talk about your pregnancy again.

I'm sure you've told everyone by now, and you'll find that the unsolicited advice will peter off a bit anyway. But if they try it again, just keep saying "thanks for the tip" and then talking about something else. Rinse and repeat.

Ignore them. And don't drag unexpectedly pregnant teens down 🤷🏼‍♀️

Oh no, I remember feeling the same, so so annoyed about it. At some point I didn't even dare to go and get a cup of tea at work because each time I'd run into someone I hadn't seen for a bit and get the patronizing advice, the "just-you-waits", or comments on my body.

I'm afraid I started just telling people "I'm really fed up with every conversation I have being about pregnancy/babies, it makes me feel like an irrelavant head attached to a pregnant body instead of an individual, please could we just have a normal conversation instead". In a friendly tone of voice (or less so as appropriate). In a couple of cases, when people commented how big I was, I told them they were looking fat too. I don't think people liked this. I wouldn't recommend it.

I did write (but not publish) a 'pregnant and fed up' blog listing all the incidents where people treated me like I had ceased to be an adult human and turned into a vessel for the baby who must be controlled by society. That was helpful as otherwise I would have moaned the whole time to DH, who was not sufficiently sypathetic, causing more rage.

You are an adult human who can make your own decisions about things much more complcated than what a little baby is going to eat/wear whatever. You know this even if others seem to have forgotten. They are the ones who don't know what they are talking about.

I remember when I was pregnant with DC1 feeling exactly the same OP. There was a woman in my office who had had what was clearly a very distressing birth, but every time she saw me she'd go on and on about it. Fortunately, she worked on the floor above so was reasonably easy to avoid and it got to the point where I would hide when I saw her coming!

If you want to see these friends during your pregnancy I think you'll have to be blunt and say you're fed up of talking about babies and any time they start, say 'No, no baby talk, I want to hear all about your holiday in Greece' or whatever. Have a list of topics in your head before you meet so you have some ammunition!

Oh and congratulations on your pregnancy I've got to the point now where that's all I say really when someone tells me they're pregnant. Your birth, your baby and your experience will be yours and yours alone. What happened to anyone else will have little bearing, I can promise you.

@ItWentInMyEye I'm sorry you thought that's what I was doing but I most certainly wasn't. In my job I work with vulnerable teenagers and there's no way I'd do that. I was referring to the advice I've heard teen mums being given many times, and they way they are wrongly judged to be clueless. That's how I feel. Hope that makes sense.

Say things like....

I saw a baby on the bus the other day and it was making the strangest noise, like was wanaka, I hope mine doesn't do that...

Or

I mean, I only eat 2 or 3 meals a day and a baby is much smaller so it probably needs a couple of bowls of milk per day....

I can imagine that feels really frustrating.

I think if you change the subject to discuss them specifically, such as what is going on in their lives/work etc then hopefully it will slow them down, in a way that changing the subject to something neutral might not. People love to talk about themselves.

I remember this when I was pregnant with DC1, my Grandma and Mum were the worst. They terrified me and made me feel like I would be incapable of parenting in some way. They told me things I wanted to do such as breastfeeding and baby wearing were bad ideas and I should formula feed so DH could help and babywearing was for ‘weird hippies’ . I grew more confident with DC2 and told them where to shove their opinions.

You just need to find your assertive side really and tell them if you wanted their advice you’d ask for it.

They are debriefing their own experiences, which is somewhat unfair on you. An antenatal class can be good for meeting other first timers?

Goodness, that does sound utterly infuriating, I’m not surprised it’s getting you down. Lots of good, sensible suggestions here for dealing with it. A useful phrase to repeat might be useful, eg: ‘I’ll bear that in mind. Anyway...’

Really laughed at Geepee’s suggestions though, and would be tempted to go with those if your friends have a good sense of humour!

Along the same lines:

‘It’s going to sleep in a box in the shed’
‘I’m going to leave it on its own at home while I go out so it doesn’t develop separation anxiety’
‘I’m going to grind rusks and put them in its milk’
‘I’m going to give birth in a forest, alone, and allow the squirrels and birds to guide me through the process’

Thank you. It's more than infuriating. It's somehow taken all the wind out of my sails and I feel utterly deflated. All the advice about how I'll either have the baby from hell or a little angel and there is simply nothing I can do to manage them whatsoever. It makes me feel like I might as well not bother with anything because nurture means nothing.

Don't listen to them. Nod along nicely if you have to.
When my babies were born I made it up as I went along and it all worked out fine.
Congratulations

IME nurture means a huge amount! Don't listen to them OP and don't let them spoil this special time of bonding with your unborn baby. Put their experiences to one side, take a deep breath and then focus on your experience. That's the only one that matters.

Honestly, OP, it means absolutely nothing. I had my son just shy of 40, and not one single bit of baby-related advice or reading was in any way relevant to my experience of my carrying, giving birth to or parenting my baby. Other people have other people's babies. You will soon be the expert on yours (even if it doesn't necessarily feel like expertise, or not right away), and other people's babies will seem as irrelevant as the weather on Jupiter.

The people around you are draining you at the moment. Do shut them down briskly. Be very direct. 'When I want advice I'll ask for it.' And as a pp says, say you are still a functional human being doing all the things she did when she wasn't pregnant, and would actually like to discuss the politics of Brexit/ Tibetan nose flute music/Scandi noir thrillers.

Can you make a point of hanging out more with childfree friends? And spending more time by yourself? I spent a lot of time away from home for work during my pregnancy, and had lovely, solitary evenings by the fire listening to music and the wind going crazy outside and mentally talking to my baby.

Who is now seven and entirely fabulous. And an individual.

Best wishes -- don't let other people grind you down. Change who you see, or see them less. Or kick them.

Enjoy being pregnant.

Thank you for these comments. @zafferana I feel like nurture is so important too! Because I know my own mother was lacking in this area and how it affected me. So saying it's all just down to pot luck just feels like shutting me down. I feel like some people who have had difficult times with their babies not sleeping or being very anxious etc are too quick to say nothing you can ever do will impact on your child's calmness or behaviour. Even though temperament is genetic, I have read that nurture can actually override temperament- eg in studies they showed that anxious babies adopted by non-anxious parents became less anxious and that non-anxious babies adopted by anxious parents became more anxious. So even though there will be so much out of our control, I don't want to just throw my hands in the air and say that what I do is completely meaningless. It's all so pessimistic and depressing to think about.

Thank you @Aosdana I actually don't spend that much time with these friends but I just feel overwhelmed right now. I think it's a good idea to have things to say to shut down the conversation as you suggest. Part of me feels like being very honest with them, since they are my friends, and saying that hearing all this advice actually contributes to me feeling anxious.

I always just laugh and say “it’s funny, the second you say you’re pregnant EVERYONE pitches in with advice - it’s mostly useless and unwanted isn’t it, I’m sure you had this lots in yours.”

Just be honest with your friends - when you meet up with them say "I've been getting so much pregnancy/birth/baby advice recently and it just makes me feel overwhelmed and stressed, can we steer clear of baby talk today?".

I remember this so well! What used to really get in my nerves was how every mother seemed to want to tell you about all the hard bits/ difficulties (like 'if you think you're tired now, wait until the baby comes' or 'You'll never have a hot cup of tea again, enjoy that one', etc etc, blah blah). I wanted to scream at times that I was actually excited and didn't want to keep hearing 'jokey warnings' about motherhood.

I snapped one day when a colleague said, 'make the most of this Christmas, it will be your last peaceful one.' Who the F makes a negative out of being a mum at Christmas!?

Whilst I was only 31 when I had my first DC (which I don't think is old at all), I had had several years before of being single, lonely and desperately wanting to settle down and start a family. I think some people have no concept of this, especially if they've had children early on. For me, my life is so much fuller now I'm a mum and I wouldn't swap it for anything.... lie ins, hot cups of tea, spare money! Just do your best to let all the 'advice' go over your head and trust your own instincts about how you want to do things for you baby.

I don't know if anyone can understand this.

Yes, unfortunately, I think anyone who has been pregnant can. Which is why I find it so bizzare - everyone hates the barage of unsolicited advice when they themselves are pregnant, but so many then wind up doing the same thing to their friends later on! Do they forget how annoying it is?

It all gets a bit overwhelming doesn't it? It's worse in group situations - where the experienced mums will bounce off each other and the conversation can just be like a runaway train of unsolicited advice.

It might help to see friends one-to-one. It's easier to change the subject and easier to explain why if you need to.

Unfortunately there's no real answer - maybe perfect your resting bitch face and arch an eyebrow... that's my usual response to unsolicited advice!

Anyway - concentrate on the positives - you fell pregnant, you're going to have a fab wee baby to love and you're going to love being a mum, parenting the way that is best for YOU.

I remember this and the most frustrating thing was if I disagreed then as I hadn't had my first my view was disregarded. There is a little bit of me that wants to go and find all those people a decade later and say actually I was right