Want to be a good friend but totally drained

[BlackHillsofDakota]

My very good friend lurches from one disaster to another. I have lent her money, looked after her kids, driven her places, given up time and rearranged plans to bail her out.

She never asks about me, she will sometimes buy me a present and she does say thank you but I feel so drained by it. I'm a naturally organised person so her level of disorganisation and drama is hard to deal with.

Recently I was thinking of taking a step back and putting some distance between us. Then the Caroline Flack thing happened and there is the quote she made about reaching out for help and her friend telling her she was draining. I obviously don't want to make my friend feel that I don't care or that she cant turn to me when she needs help but I feel like my cup is empty and I can't always be there for her like she needs. How do I be there for her but still protect my mental health?

Read up on boundaries

I agree with op, definitely read up on boundaries.
You can still be a good friend but in order to be able to support her, you need to think about yourself too.

Try not to get swept away by this whole Caroline Flack situation. It's a very sad situation, but there are unfortunately a lot of people on social media and in the press talking bollocks and spitting out platitudes about mental health in general because of it.

We have no idea what really happened between her and her friend.

Sadly, sometimes people with mental illnesses are draining and you have to establish boundaries to protect your own mental health. As the saying goes, you can't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

Are you helping her or enabling her? What’s the quote - a lack of organisation on your part doesn’t constitute an emergency on mine - or something, I’ve probably mangled it! Her kids are her responsibility. Her finances likewise. Loads of people have chaotic lives because they’re shit at being organised and rely on others to rearrange their lives to compensate for their failings. Do you need presents? I doubt it. Do you have your own life to lead and need people in it who value you and make time for you, who you can rely on? Yes, we all do. This woman can’t even be bothered to ask how you are. Actually it makes her life and incessant demands easier precisely because she doesn’t know how you are. She wouldn’t want to know if you had difficult things going on. She wants to believe you’re happy and fine, solvent and organised and solely there to clean up her messes, be there to solve her crises. That’s not a friend.

@AnneLovesGilbert you've hit the nail on the head, I can see exactly what you're saying but then I feel sad that she's not the friend I tell myself she is

I didn’t want to upset you, I’m sorry if I did. You sound lovely, I’m sure you’re a brilliant friend. But you can’t pour from an empty cup, as you say, and to carry on the metaphors the putting your own oxygen mask on first one is also relevant.

You need to think about the cost to you of putting yourself out so much for someone you know wouldn’t do the same for you. Your time, mental and emotional energy, finances, the things you’ve missed out on because she’s summoned you to help her out. If you start to gently pull back by not being available to her she’ll probably get angry or she’ll find someone else for loans, babysitting and crisis management. The time you’re giving her is time you could invest in friendships with other people which would be more equal, would serve you well too, with people who are hopefully there for you to celebrate or support events in YOUR life, who at the very least check on how YOU are.

No you didn't upset me, you talk total sense. It's just sad that I've been kidding myself we are equals when we really aren't. Thank you, you've really helped!

Sending you a hand squeeze.

"I have lent her money, looked after her kids, driven her places, given up time and rearranged plans to bail her out. She never asks about me".

I'm not sure that she is a friend. Are you familiar with the term 'toxic person'?

OP, I am going through something very similar with my oldest and dearest friend, and had thought of posting on MN as you have done. I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. She has recently cut all contact with me as she is angry about something I said. I worry about how she is getting on, but I'm not ready to get in touch with her. It makes me feel like a shit friend but I can't face it.

I hope you're ok .

Sounds very familiar. I have someone close who lurches from one disaster to another, whether it is in her love life - because she repeatedly goes back to the same man who treats her dreadfully - or her finances because she refuses to get a proper job or some other crisis.
I have a lot going on in my life one way or another - health, finance and I'm a carer but her issues always seem to be more draining, bigger. It's sometimes a real effort to just open her messages and then reply without being snappy.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Are you a rescuer personality? As such you will ether eventually be resented by the one you are trying to save or be burnt out by trying.

Look after yourself first and you’ll gain respect...,and survive. 💐

I speak from experience.

You've all been very kind, I am 100% a rescuer, I want to solve a problem and I guess she knows this. I also want to be a good friend so every time I think about stepping back or saying no I think this makes me a bad friend and feel guilty because I know she is relying on me.

I think it’s ok to say: lovely, I can’t talk right now, I am in the middle of xxx. Or: I’ve had a really hard week, I need this weekend for rest and some headspace. Or: finances are tight, I simply cannot lend you the money.
And if you do want to keep the friendship, you initiate meet ups: shall we go for a coffee and a catch up on Tuesday?

Because making yourself too available obviously takes its toll on you, and it’s not fair.

You are still that good person if you say ‘No’. You don’t have to explain why. Least said less chance you have of talking yourself into saying yes.

You are actually helping people to grow by letting them sort problems themselves you know. Don’t deprive your friend of growth if you really wish to help.

Agree with others who say boundaries. Whilst it’s very sad about Caroline Flack we have no idea about her friend - how much time, energy and attention did the friend give to Caroline, how much did the friend sacrifice for Caroline, was the friend’s own mental health starting to deteriorate due to supporting Caroline? We have no idea and will probably never know.

With my own experiences of a suicidal person it escalates very quickly and I find all the posts on Facebook about reaching out - “call me anytime” “my door is always open” quite dangerous. With my own day to day life I can’t always answer my phone (I may be driving, swimming, in a cinema, meeting, school production and my phone may be switched off) I also can’t answer my door if I am not home.

In your situation I would be inclined to ask why the friend lurches from disaster to disaster, will she always expect to rely on you and why does she never ask how you are. A genuine friend would be mortified if that was pointed out and try to right it, whereas a user you probably wouldn’t see them for dust afterwards.

I also agree with boundaries, and also with letting go of the idea that 'she's not the friend I tell myself she is' and just letting her be the person that she is. That's all any of us can do. You are enabling her to continue being like this, allow her to tread her own path and don't be responsible for any other adult. You know this all anyway, it's ok to trust yourself on this one.

I could have written this post myself, op..... I have a friend with a life altering condition, and I am finding it hard to deal with. I'm the only one that's stuck around. She does nothing to help herself, and is so bitter.... I'm trying to distance myself, but feel so guilty.