I’m 40 next week and all my friendships have gone to shit

[Frostedglass]

Feeling quite down about it. It’s not really relevant to my birthday as I’m having a meal just with my family but at the age of 40 I feel like I’ve lost my best friends after having no friendship problems since high school!

I’ve never been one to have lots of friends. I’ve really got 2 best friends from school, 2 ‘mum’ friends that I made when I had our dcs and as a couple we’ve got 4 other couples that we see who are friends from DH side.

Friendship number 1-it dawned on me at the back end of last year that she was a user. I’ve helped her out so much with childcare over the years but it was very rarely reciprocated. I kept plugging away at the friendship as DD1 is good friends with her DD but after one incident I felt I couldn’t let myself be treated like that anymore and so I’ve just stopped making initial contact. Sure enough I haven’t heard from her since last summer apart from a generic ‘Happy Christmas’ text.

I won’t go into the other friendship problems as they’re very specific issues but they involve affairs, ghosting and mental health issues that I don’t feel able to help with anymore.

It’s just all come at once. I’ve gone over and over every issue thinking it must be me! How does someone loose all their close friends in the space of a year. Maybe I’m just not tolerant of others shitty behaviour anymore. I haven’t had any real falling out with these people but the friendships have all gone cold and quiet as I’ve backed away from situations I don’t want to get involved in.

That’s it really, I even know why I’m posting. Just wondering if anyone’s experienced similar around this age. It almost feels like everyone’s going through a period of crisis and my personality has changed whereby I’m not as tolerant as I used to be and the end result is that you feel isolated. I’ve only got DH and my 2 DD now which is enough for me but I did always enjoy having friends and I don’t have the time or opportunity anymore to meet new ones!

I should add, I haven’t lost any of the ‘couple’ friendships, no issues there.

Friendships are overrated OP.

Most peoples views on how they should be comes from movies, not real life.

It’s important to have independent friendships OP. My marriage broke down unexpectedly and those friends were the people who rallied around me.

I think you've hit the nail on the head. You've reached a milestone birthday and had an epiphany of fuck that shit. You've learnt to value yourself and your mental health needs more and reaching forty is empowering. You no longer have to do what they want and the rose tinted spectacles are lifted.

My friendships have also petered out, because I've stopped putting so much effort in, because I've decided I don't want to. And surprise surprise they've gone. However I'm more angry when I realise how easily they've let me go. Makes me realise what bullshit it all was with the social media posts of 'bestie' etc. I currently don't feel like I need to replace them but I'm also conscious that I need to have friends or else I'll be a lonely middle aged woman when the kids leave home. I also think I need friends so I can model good friendships for the kids. However I'm not breaking my neck to find friends but I am looking for some clubs to join in the hope of meeting people, but it will be friendships in my terms.

How that makes sense. You're not alone OP.

Yes I am also not as tolerant of others shitty behaviour. My philosophy is that when you stop putting your energy into something that's not healthy for you, another opportunity will come your way. It's natural to mourn a lost friendship but it sounds like it was for the best. Maybe try to think about what you do want, and be honest with yourself, how did you enable the unhealthy dynamic in the first place?

You've wised up. You were clearly someone who used to do all the running, so attracted people who are users. Step back and take time to make some new friendships slowly and carefully, making sure that you attract people who give as well as take. It could be a project for this year to end up with two good friendships. There are loads of other people in your situation. Get out and do some things you really enjoy and behave in a way that doesn't signal 'pushover'.

Thanks for all the replies. I have been the one to do all the running in the past because I genuinely enjoyed all the friendships and I agree that it’s important to have friendships that are independent from your marriage.

I’m actually starting to think that (apart from my family) the only company I truly enjoy and value is that of my dog and cat!

I went through a no friends period in my 40s....

I am now approaching 50 and I now have a really good gaggle of friends. We don't live in each other's pockets but will catch up every couple of weeks or so. We all pitch in with the arranging, even if it is a couple of us meeting by accident on the way home and putting a post work drink at the pub on FB. Events are put out there in the form of I am doing X on Y date - feel free to join me. It is chilled and without reciprocal demands. It is what it is... and I love it.

I get how you feel op. I think as we get older we just won't put up with being treated like shit by others.
Im mid thirties, and have just one friend now, the others have just drifted away or I've refused to be spoken to by another friend the way she speaks to me sometimes so that friendships now over too.
I get married later this year and dp currenty planning his stag doo, I keep thinking what's the point in having a hen party for myself with only one close friend!
I do hope I'll make some mum friends when ds starts school.
Do you have any hobbies? Or anything you fancy taking up? Exercise class, quite nice to get talking to others, but if not equally nice to have a bit of chill out time alone.
Happy birthday to you though. Enjoy your day with dh and your dds!

How did you make those new friendships? There’s no opportunity for me to make new friends through work and my DH works nights so I can’t do any evening groups etc.

I feel the same really. I have a great relationship with my DH, 2 teens and a busy job. There isn’t a lot of time for commitment to friends. I have lots of friends but no best friends. I used to but she was a user and at around 40 funnily I decided no more. We socialise with family and I meet up with friends from an old job as part of a casual book group every 6 weeks and the odd meet with 1 or 2 for coffee in between. It’s enough for me.

The other thing is, I love a natter with other women but I work with women and we mostly get on and there’s good banter in the staff room daily so I feel my needs are met. Might be different if I had a less social job, primary schools are busy places.

I think possibly new friendships will have to wait until retirement when I can join clubs and volunteer or when the dc are older at least. Maybe if I just accept that this is how things are for now then I can find contentment with it. I’m quite introverted really, a real home body and that’s ok. I think we’re conditioned to feel that we should have a huge circle of friends, that we should be busy socialising all the time and that everyone else is and you’re the only one who isn’t.

I’m good friends with the women in our couple friendships and although they started as DH’s friends, after 20 years they are very much mine too so I’ll put some effort into spending time with them at least.

That sounds like a good idea. Good luck.

I wouldn't worry about it. My mom once said people pass through your life. She's right. I have 2 school friends I see occasionally but not often. I normally keep myself to myself. Less people I have to deal with the less nonsense

How did you make those new friendships? There’s no opportunity for me to make new friends through work and my DH works nights so I can’t do any evening groups etc.

It will be difficult to make new friends if you don't go places to meet new people. Can you do an exercise class on a Saturday morning? Volunteer work? Church?

I have made friends via hobby forums/groups online, but it's hit or miss how these would translate to being friends offline.

No wonder 40-44 is peak suicide age for women- it’s so hard to make and maintain friendships when life is so busy.

You seem to have somehow absorbed the idea that ‘putting the work in’ to friendships involves catering to other people's every whim, and at 40, suddenly realised this was a poor show, stopped dancing attendance on them, and, unsurprisingly, they vanished.

However you manage to make new friends in future, don’t fall back into the dynamic of them being the VIP and you the free childminder /butler/fixer/emotional scratching post.

Sorry to hear that I know the feeling I had an abusive relationship at one point and was told to cut ties with friends. Then moving from the South east to the Midlands has taken it toll.

Feel free to msg me there are lots of one day fun courses near me it would be lovely to have a pal to go with. Or just have a natter :)

I have hardly any friends. What I would teen my close group of friends, none of them are having kids (we have a child) and it’s always me organising/having them over, so I’ve stopped and now barely see them.

Was made clear to me my face didn’t fit with NCT mums so no friends there.

Have a nice roomie at work but she’s 23 and I’m 41, so whilst we get on, I’m old enough to be her mother.

It upsets me but I’m trying not to worry at the minute as barely have the time anyway. Hoping will meet people when DS starts school.

My new friends happened by a combination of chance and being surrounded with like minded people. Most of my friends are outdoorsy so we met through events or being invited by someone who knows someone. A couple of them just because we catch the same train. One because she offered to drop some things at mine on behalf of one of clients because she was passing.

Do you take your dog out? This is a great place to make friends ,if you go around the same time /place each day.I recently went to London for the day with a lady I met there .(Also bear in mind age gaps )can still be pals with slightly older /younger people . TBH If you have family and some mutual friends youre doing well! We are going on holiday to see friends in Canada ,these DH chums ,but get on really well with girl and couldnt have chosen a nicer chum myself!

How old are your DD's? Are they older? Finished secondary? Because I met lots of other mums through Ds's primary school, and also sports in secondary.

I still have a friend from uni, and a close friend from school. It's equal. We ring each other the same amount. Only meet once or twice a year, but chat regularly.

WhatsApp/messenger groups are a saviour. For chatting a lot. And then meeting up regularly for a chat, a glass of wine, a curry. For that you just need to meet likeminded women.

Depends if you've got enough in common and they want that level of friendship.

I could have written this post. Around my 40th a group friendship I had and valued a great deal fell apart due to one member of the group behaving in such a way that it directly affected me and my employment and I had to step back from this person to safeguard myself. I explained that I couldn’t socialise with this person and gave the reasons, I also said that I did not expect anyone to “pick sides” and that I valued everyone’s friendship. I was then basically ignored as they all then went out with the toxic individual on the activity that had been specifically arranged for my birthday - without me! It hurt. A lot. It’s taken me two years to come to terms with it. I don’t make friends easily either, but I can now look at the group and what they do and how they socialise and I’m actually glad that I’m not involved in it anymore. I’ve recently started meeting up with a new friend and I have a close friend from before all this who I still see, although our lives are very different with different responsibilities we still make the effort to do things together that suit us both.

What I’m trying to say is that it’s ok to mourn or even grieve your friendships that have run their course, I shed tears over mine more than once, but with the benefit of hindsight I think around this age it’s natural to “shed” some friends. It was once said to me that friends come into your life for a reason, season or lifetime. I think remembering this has helped me process the end of my friendship.

I feel the same as you OP. It was also my 40th birthday recently too.

I have found that "mum" friends have been seasonal and although there have been some great days out, those friendships have slowly diminished as out children have gone their separate ways.

We have couple friendships which seem lovely but only 1 out of the 4 sent me a birthday message. They are not that deep.

I have superficial work friendships of all different ages but we also live in a 50 mile radius and not a quick cup of tea.

My DH also works nights and I am unable to join evening clubs.

My family is fragmented and unsupportive and DH has no family.

Aside from all of this, I am ok. I do feel like it might be me. I struggle with small talk, I over share, I dont enjoy going out and getting drunk.

It would be nice to just have a friend that I could pop into for a cuppa now and then.