Thanks everyone. Food for thought with the replies. I will try & update properly, but I think I've had a bit of a breakdown & sobbed like I never have in my life before, it all feels just so overwhelming p. Head all over the place & I just wanted it to all stop & the pain to go away & death sounded pretty good at that point. I'm really scared that I even thought that way & I'm ashamed of myself that I'm coping so badly, I'm usually tough & very level headed, but my health problems have escalated a lot in recent months & Im just physically done in, which is t helping in current circumstances & though we are well used to teen strops & parenting through a minefield of dodgy behaviour with her lead astray over drugs etc in the past, but she's admitted she relieved when I've realised & stepped in. This is a whole new level & I’m seriously concerned for her mental health, but she’s accusing me of abuse, even though DH is saying exactly the same things to her.
DD did come hime, but it's gone from bad to worse, I'm literally hiding from her in my own house, if I don't she's running away again & anything I say to her is twisted in her mind as abuse. The scariest thing is, I actually think she believes that & it really is so far from the truth I feel I'm going crazy. I tried returning a photo book to her room last night that DH had complained to her that she hadn't let us see, yet expects us to pay for it. I knocked on her door, she opened it, I said hers your photo book, really excellent work, you should be proud. She snatched it, glared at me with disgust & slammed the door in my face. That's the only time I've seen her

DH has been dealing with her & for the first time has seen this other side to her. He has my back, supports that we don't support her with this lad for good reasons or her current behaviour, but know she has to make her own mistakes. To me DD says she expects us to welcome him into our home to stay etc if she wants to because she's old enough. But we've never done that before anyway & she's only known him a couple of months, which was him chasing after her, crapping on her with her "friend", then convincing her he was sorry & it was her friends fault & then DD has pretty much done the pick me dance ever since. Every photo we see of him he has a joint in his hand. DD has been very open about all of this & we used to be close & she'd come to me for advice, tell me the gossip of her & her friends etc in chats. DH & I were perplexed as he's not even a good looking lad, or alternative in his dress act as DD is, we are naturally worried for her, but as you say at 17, even as a vulnerable 17 yo we have to step back. Very hard though when on the flip side of the coin she is prone to getting into sticky situations & ringing us in hysterics needing us to bail her out. A good example of this is a few months ago. DD went to her friends house a few towns away. She travelled with them & intended to stay over, but felt unwell & decided to come home. She didn’t let us know she was heading home, until I got a hysterical phone call from her. She was stuck in the middle of nowhere on a dark road, with a man trying to make her get into his car. It was petrifying, I don’t know how I kept it together to keep her calm for the half hour it took DH to drive & find her. There had been a bus replacement for her train home & she’d got on the wrong bus, had a panic attack which she hides well, but went mute & couldn’t ask for help. I told her to say the car number plate very loud into her phone which she did. Thankfully the man drove off & I had to join & to get her to add me on Snapchat so I could use the maps thing to trace her & guide DH to find her. This isn’t a one off. She’s incredibly brave & pushes through her anxiety & SPD, panic etc, can cope if everything is as she knows it to be, but falls apart & cant cope if there’s any unexpected changes. We’ve tried to coax her to have a back up plan in situations like this, but it usually lasts for one thing & then she forgets.
Excuse my not tagging names, memory rubbish right now.
We do encourage her to be more independent, but it’s not so cut & dry. We were absolutely thrilled recently when we overslept to get her to a medical appointment (up all night with DH trapped on his way home in the early hours in a storm & no trains & no WiFi signal trying get cab information to him) she actually got herself up (unheard of) & dealt with it all herself, we were so proud of her, because we know how anxious it makes her. The sad thing is, there’s an anger in her at the moment that is pushing her to be more independent & braver, it’s more than just teen angst & it’s unfortunately not healthy for her. Her medical diagnosis means she will run on adrenaline if she pushes herself too much & she will crash badly & become ill, the longer she pushes herself, the harder the crash will hit her. Because of this & more medical stuff, she requires a lot of extra support at home. By doing this, she copes far better in college & can have a level social life. She’s very bright, but frustrated by her health affecting her ability to perform in exams etc & this badly affects her mental health, suicidally so in the past, so us supporting her so much helps a lot here. But this is now being twisted to my being controlling & she suddenly genuinely seems to believe that. I’ve had concerns over the weird form of self harm with eating foods she’s intolerant too & not taking supplements that help keep her out of a wheelchair (she spent 2 years in one) for some time, but she could usually convince us it was accidental until I started finding the ones she was hiding. She has raging nasty urticaria flare ups on her arms & legs & is expecting me to magic up a potion (herbalist) to heal it, but won’t accept that there is no point whilst she’s eating the benzoate additives that she already knows will cause it.
@GreenTulips
“I knee she was ASD from the first paragraph”
Can I ask why, is this sort of Jekyll & hide behaviour if crossed something that comes with ASD, it’s not something we’ve ever seen in her before & the level of venom in her towards me & manipulative behave has shocked me to my core & makes me question myself. We know ASD kids & adults, but none like her, though now knowing more about HFA in girls, we know it does fit her, but we are still learning. I guess I’m trying to work out if this is about the potential rape, ASD, or both. I realise I need support myself & don’t know which way to turn fir advice I suppose.
I’m shell shocked with more relations today as DD has now told DH that’s she’s back under the wellbeing team after having a panic attack in college where this lad was a great support & got her help. From what she’s told the college wellbeing service, they are concerned she’s of risk of harm & wanted to escalate it to social services, but she’s told them she doesn’t want to yet as it might hurt her dad. I can’t believe she is doing this & I’m so scared fir her & feel lost on how to tackle it as I feel I can’t do right fir doing wrong & I don’t know where my sensible, beautiful, kind, thoughtful stroppy assed normal teen who needs support & appreciate that support at home has gone. It’s like I don’t recognise my own DD anymore & feel that on top of everything else, I’m grieving her. I know I need to keep my shit together & be cool & calm, I mostly do well, but do raise my voice back at her at times, but I’m ashamed after her last snide, quiet verbal attack on me I crumbled & cried openly, I’ve never done that before & I clearly disgusted her & there was a look in her face that really scared me as she suddenly reminded me of my Narc DM in that she was clearly enjoying & gloated over seeing me cry. That’s not who she is & I feel completely lost
I should have contacted her college wellbeing service sooner, we’ve been in touch before, but she was angry I was interfering, even though she’d asked me fir help over a few issues in college over her disability, she’s very secretive & closed about college, but then is angry if I’m not helping her with things I don’t even know about, but then she gaslights me by telling me she has told me. I need to contact them now, but feel so broken by DD accusing me of abuse that I doubt myself as they don’t often see how unwell she is in college, because we support her so much at home, but we do see it every day at home & let her rest it off the best we can. I don’t even know what to say anymore & DD has refused the named contact information I needed a few months ago, insisting she was dealing with it herself. I’ve also got this nasty niggling feeling, that her bonding sessions with her friend who was abused, was DD emphasising by trading evil DM stories & somehow, she’s belibing it,
I don’t really know, I’m just lost. Bar realising that some of this relates to bad PMS, It’s not the first time she’s gone through my saying one thing, & her hearing it’s evil twin, but nit I this extreme extent
She screams at me “I can do what I like, you cant stop me” over her running out to a mid week party & sleepover & she clearly isn’t well enough to be pushing herself, let alone midweek which we don’t allow on a college night, which surely is just sensible parenting, especially when she exhausts & gets ill so easily. She’d normally be understanding of that & after an initial spat, she’d agree she needed the rest. After a lot more nastiness from her, I did reply calmly with “you still live under our roof, we still pay for your WiFi & give you a healthy allowance & there are still rules for your wellbeing whether you like them or not & if you want to keep the benefits, you play by those rules - she’s twisted that into me saying I was kicking her out, cutting her money
She needs counselling, think I realise we all do atm, but nobody will touch her. Local services say she needs specialist medical based counselling, she rightly won’t go to our local hospital due to not trusting them to accept some PTSD due to experiences in that hospital & with their counselling. CAHMS worse than useless I’ve given her all the rape crisis info, offered to support her with that if she wants me too —though totally understand that would be mortifying fir a NT teen - which she screams at me she will do herself, but isn’t, I’m not pushing her, that’s would be wrong. I’m concerned about the college counselling as things she’s said to me & DH make it sound odd & not at all helpful & she implies it’s them telling her to stand up to us, us being me, telling her she has to be true to herself & only do what makes her happy & if she thinks this boy makes her happy, then that’s good. Surely happiness must come from within, that’s what we’ve brought her up to believe. She lies a lot now, something she never did at all until quite recently when she told me that one of her friends had told her that it’s more normal for teens to lie & then she’s embraced it like you wouldn’t believe, but she’s a rubbish liar. I see through it every time. DH not so much so, but he does trust my instincts, but it’s been so full on lately & she’s really cranked up the manipulation & it has caused arguments between DH & I. He has now seen it for himself though, he did believe me before, but it’s so alien to us both, I don’t blame him for questioning it. I would have too.
It’s such a mess. I guess contacting college would be the right thing to do now as surely silence makes us look worse, I’ve no idea what the hell to say though, how the hell to express it all
Excuse the ramble, I guess I need to get it out to try & make sense of it all & I really appreciate the advice & support