A letter to God,add yours too if you need solace

[WhatAMum01]

I'm feeling particularly low today and as I currently have no one in my life who I can talk to right now I thought I'd write to God and ask him to mind my worries because I dont know what else to do.so here goes.please feel free to add yours

Dear God,

I was so depressed whilst pregnant with my young son that throughout my pregnancy I often contemplated suicide but never told anyone except you,I was so worried about the health of my baby.Despite this you still chose to let me have a son who was born severely autistic and with severe learning disabilities, can I ask why?can I ask why you let this happen when I was already suffering so much?he cried from the moment he was born every single day until he was almost 2,only comforted by me holding him allday long,he never crawled,didn' t sleep,and didn't walk until he was almost 3,I have carried him all these years.i remember him not ever babbling or responding to his name and he still has never said a word.i remember the realisation and the pediatricians words that he was autistic and it was severe.i remember wanting to die right there.i have begged you to help me God,help my son,but as hes grown his behaviours and challenges have got worse.All the while my love and nourishing has made him strong and taller while I have become ill and weaker.why when you have chosen me to be his mother have you decided to punish me physically and mentally like this? 5 years of little or no sleep.5 years of carrying him as he refuses to walk, 5years of nappy changing, which he will be in as an adult.5 years of running around trying to keep him safe from self injurious behaviour and complete lack of awareness.5 years of mental torture.i was never strong enough God,why did you choose me to be his mother?why when you knew everyone was going to leave me and none was going to help me.why have you left me to do it all alone.i cant cope God,I once again ask you,beg you, please change our lives,give my son a chance,a life. And me too, I'm sorry for all my wrongs, please help me as I really am struggling to carry on.

WhataMum, I'm sorry, that sounds so hard. Do you have anyone to support you?

Unmumsnetty hugs for WhatAMum, you sound so incredibly strong.

My letter to God is short:

Dear God - show me what to do going forward, and I will try my best to do it.

@Grumpbum123 eggshells you read the opening post of a struggling mother and post such disrespectful shite?

Why would you* not eggshells

I can't pretend I speak for Him but your post reminded me of a song by Hilary Weeks titled "Be Still". It is a conversation between a woman who has been brought to her knees and God. Lyrics below and link after.

Woman
Another day
I'll try again
But can you tell me
Will the hurting ever end?
I've been taught
And I believe
But it's been awhile
Since I've been on my knees
But I need you by my side
I don't have the strength
To make it on my own
And Lord, do you hear my prayer
How soon will you answer me?

God
I know you're weary
I know you've had all you can bear
And now you ask of me on bended knee
I promise I'll be there
I've watched you struggle
Yet I can see how much you've grown
Child, could you feel my power in your darkest hour?
You were not alone
Be still and know that I am God
I'm by your side
Whom shall you fear
I'll give you strength my child
I am here
Be still and know that I am God
And there's no prayer
That I don't hear
Lift up your head
My child
I am here

Dear God, enough now I need help and support not drama and disaster my children deserve better I deserve better than this not this constant neverending drain on my existence

@Grumpbum123 what is wrong with you

Whatamum your post is heartbreaking.
You are a wonderful person to be caring for your son on your own. I have no idea why these are the cards you have been dealt but you’re doing brilliantly , your son loves you more than anything else in the world. I’m so sorry you’re in such a dark place. I wish I could hug you

@AnnieOH1thank you that was such a lovely post such lovely lyrics,made me cry.

Oh WhatAMum

You have such a lot to deal with. I don't have any practical advice for your situation but I'm not sure if thats what this post is asking for anyway.

My grandmother had a deep faith and through some very dark, difficult periods of her life she questioned why God had let this happen. I know she took great solace in the poem 'Footprints' where the author questions God why in difficult times there are only one set of footprints in the sand whereas normally they see both their own footprints and God's walking beside them. And God replies that there is only one set of footprints because he/she is carrying the author through difficult times.

I don't share the same faith as my Gran but I do love this concept.

So, whether you truly believe in God as she did or not, whether your God is nature, or the earth or the love of people around you, then I do hope you can feel some level of support.

Even if that support and love is from a few total strangers on the internet.

Dear God,
Please help OP with her struggles ... give her patience, courage to go on and joy in life. Please help her child to get better and help her to get the support she needs.. Amen !!!

OP, if you are around oxford area PM me please. I would like to come and make you some tea and help you however I can... noone should face life alone when there they are up agaist it this many challanges... I am not even that religious but I think God will hear and help you

@Immaback thank youxx

@WhatAMum01 I'll pray for you and your son. God's preparing you, for what I'm not sure. But stay strong, through your challenges you can use your experiences to make this world a better place Xxx

@WhatAMum01 - ohh, I promise I never meant to make you cry! There's another sing by the same artist I'm trying to remember what it is right now. I just know that it's brought me peace in the past. :) if you ever need to talk feel free to PM me. I'll be back on with the other one when I find it!

This is the poem WhatAMum
(What a very apt name you have).

Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed a dream.
As I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
One belonging to me and one to my Lord.

After the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that at many times along the path of my life,
especially at the very lowest and saddest times,
there was only one set of footprints.

This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said once I decided to follow you,
You'd walk with me all the way.
But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me."

He whispered, "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you
Never, ever, during your trials and testings.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
It was then that I carried you."

OK so crying about spilt milk isn't going to help.
Educate yourself on how to help your son as there is a severe lack of professional help.
Is he at school? The younger years are the hardest, it does get easier as you get a better more reliable route.

He'll Carry You

He knows your heart
He knows your pain
He knows the strength it took just too simply breathe today
He sees the tears that you cry
He knows your soul is aching to know why
He hears your prayers each humble word
When you said you couldn't face another day he understood
He knows the path that you will find
Though you felt alone he's never left your side
He knew there'd be moments when no earthly words
Could take away your sorrow
And no human eyes could see what you're going through
When you've taken your last step and done all that you can do
He will lift your heavy load and carry you
He'll bring you peace and leave you hope
And in the darkest night he'll comfort you
Until you know the sun will rise and each new day
You will have the strength to live again
And when there are moments when no earthly words
Can take away your sorrow
And no human eyes could see what you're going through
When you've taken your last step and done all that you can do
He will lift your heavy load and carry you
He hears you when you're crying in the night
He hears you when your soul longs to find
Till the morning will come
And the light of the dawn reassures
That in the moments when no earthly words
Can take away your sorrow
And no human eyes could see what you're going through
When you've taken your last step and done all that you can do
He will lift your heavy load and carry you

My heart breaks reading your post Whatamum. I can feel your despair and exhaustion in every word. I hope God listens, I hope you get the comfort and support you so desperately need. I hope tomorrow is a better day.

I was thinking of footprints too.
The other one is When my baby dn was very ill and dying I found it a great comfort; over 10 years later I still can't sing it without crying:

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out, I'll
Turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out I'll
Turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name, oh

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name.

I'm so sorry to hear how hard things have been for you WhatAMum01. I'm sending so much love to you. I can't begin to understand how hard things are for you. In a small way I have had a hard start to being a mother with a trauma from a difficult birth and PND. Recently I've found a new toddler group run by the Minster in my city and it is full of the kindest people. I'm a very lapsed Christian but my message to God would be to thank Him for inspiring such kindness and goodness in His followers.
I know it's small consolation but you sound like a wonderful, wonderful mother and He must know your strength. I do hope you can find help somewhere.

@Grumpbum123

You win cunty post of the day. Congratulations.

OP. I’m sorry.

@Witchend I'm so sorry for your loss,cant even begin to imagine how you felt and must feel now,its such a lovely poem such comforting words,thank you xx

@viola
@Cherry678
@Papoy
@MrMumble2
@AnnieOH1
@Breathmiller
Thank you so muchfor your kind words and prayers for me and my son.It means so much and offers such comfort.you are all good kind people. May He bless you all with happiness xx

@papoy thank you for offering to help me,unfortunately for me I'm so far away from you,Scotland to be precise !