Feeling guilty about not breastfeeding?

[Laura55]

I don’t feel comfortable to tell anyone about this and I feel like people are really judgy so I’ll just try my luck here.
I gave birth on the 24th of December and I had to stay in hospital for a week because we had some sort of infection. In that week I was the only one that was breastfeeding in the room, but I had 2 hours of sleep every night. When I came home and I saw myself alone (I’m a single mother) with my parents working being 40 minutes away from me, it was scary and I kind of gave up. I breast fed for 2 more weeks until my mum came over and I broke down crying because I felt like the baby was never full and I was here in bed 24/7 with her sucking on my breast, not sleeping at all and not even being able to eat because my appetite was soooo bad. So I’ve been told I can combine feedings just so I can get some sleep at night.
I was planning on breast feeding until baby starts eating, at least for 5 months so I planned on giving my DD formula during the night and breast during the day. However I think we both got so comfortable, she was more peaceful and she stopped crying as much, I was getting my sleep, I got happy and I only breastfed 2-3 times a day. I went away for 2 days and I think that was the point where I messed up because when I came back I just didn’t feel patient enough to breastfeed at all, I just felt like I needed a break and I needed to just rest and breast feeding wasn’t doing it for me. Plus she’s a very hungry baby, she doubled her weight at birth already, so I felt like breast was never enough for her and we weren’t happy. However, there’s a lot of people always telling me “the most successful people were breastfed” “you’re giving her fake milk” “do you know what’s in that formula?” or even “she won’t be healthy and strong because she’s not being breastfed”. I just feel like I failed and I want what’s best for her and I was probably selfish but to be a alone as a new mother is HARD but I decided to try again because I want what’s best for her.
Anyone started breast feeding again after they stopped? If I have enough milk to breast feed her twice a day that’d be perfect for me, I just need to know that she’s getting something even if it’s 90ml a day.

People who say things like that are ridiculous. You can't tell adults apart by how they were fed as babies.

I think it's possible to get back to breastfeeding but depending on how long since you stopped it could be really hard and require significant pumping as well as certain supplements (I may be wrong). Feeding just twice a day may not work either as feeding at night is really good for keeping supply up.

Sounds like you had a really tough start to motherhood and you've done the best for both you and baby. Formula is helping your baby grow brilliantly and you're providing everything that little one needs! Try not to feel guilt, be kind to yourself. You're doing a great job!

It’s entirely possible to re-start, if that’s what you want. This page has some good info to get your started:
www.laleche.org.uk/relactation-induced-lactation/
If you want more info, google relactation (but be careful, there’s a lot of really poor advice out there - stick to reputable organisations like La Leche League, kellymom.com and anything written by an IBCLC).

Good luck!

If you want to increase your flow, your are best off feeding at night as that will increase the flow and quantity.
Remember rarely do babies not get enough from breastmilk. That formula is heavier and so enlarges the baby's stomach so baby needs greater quantities to feel full. So an ebf will have a smaller stomach than a ff baby of the same age. So initially baby will want more bfing. But that will. Increase your supply.

I am a lone parent who ebf. It can be hard. But for me was worth it and I was incredibly upset when it ended.

I struggled with breastfeeding and it wrecked that important time. If I was in the same situation would bottle without a backward glance. It’s a precious time bonding with your baby and it’s not dependent on where the food comes from, so long as it comes predictably and stress free

I had to stop because my baby became dangerously underweight and for some reason, breastfeeding didn't work for us. I breastfeed for 3 months, it's hard. If I'm honest, I think my bond with my baby initially suffered because I found it so hard.

I don't feel guilty for choosing to stop. I'm also aware my situation isn't likely to happen to everyone, if you can do it and it works for you then that's great but if you choose not to then that's absolutely fine

A fed baby is a fed baby, regardless of how. You're doing amazing, please do not feel guilty

Who is telling you that stuff about breastfeeding? If it's people you know in real life then I would suggest finding new people to socialise with. If its people online remember it's very eeasy to say things online when you're anonymous.
It is absolutely possible to restart breastfeeding if you want to, but it's also fine if you choose not to.

It is possible to restart but will you often be leaving her? Breastfeeding is all about supply and demand.
No judgement at all for what you want to do, but you may find it difficult if you are often away from her for quite a while.

I'm a big fan of bf and will always encourage it but not to the detriment of mother or baby's health and that very much includes mental health.

The people criticising ARE NOT the ones there with your baby 24/7 and doing the very hard of lone parenting.

You do what's best for you and tell anyone who THINKS they have a right to criticise to mine their own!

That said IF you wanted yourself to re-establish bf yes it can be done but it's not easy.

I had a slightly different experience in that dd was in scbu tube fed for first 10 days so it wasn't a case of re-establishing but establishing late, but midwives and dr said to treat it like re-establishing.

I was told to feed as much as possible, lots of skin to skin contact. It was hard going but I wasn't a single parent then and had support.

Whatever works for you and baby is fine.

One of my midwives told me my daughter would end up obese and diabetic like her if I formula fed her.

Well I did formula feed her and she's now a skinny, healthy little 4 year old!
She slept through from about 8 weeks and we had such a good routine which I think was largely because of the formula.

I'm expecting number two now and have considered breastfeeding this time but I'm worried we won't get into a good routine and the baby won't sleep!

Fed is best!

I've had three children. Expressed for six weeks for the first (he wouldn't latch). Didn't even try to breastfeed the second. And mix fed the third for six weeks until I ended up feeling the same as you and packed it in.

Nobody has ever made that kind of comment to me for formula feeding my children. What they think privately is another matter but as long as they are not saying to my face then I don't care. Tell them to bugger off, it's your baby and you are doing this alone so you need to do what works for you.

FWIW my third baby is now 12 weeks old. I agonised about stopping breastfeeding her because it was the most success I had had with my three kids, but I stopped for various reasons and although I felt guilty at first, I don't regret it and I'm happy with my decision.

Hitler was probably breastfed 🤷‍♀️ Whoever is saying these things to you is a twat so don’t listen. Fed is best! Also a baby cannot thrive if it’s mother is completely exhausted. You are important too, look after yourself.

The same thing that happened to so many women happened to you. You were given spectacularly bad advice and a distinct lack of breastfeeding support. Instead of feeling guilty, direct those feelings to the society that didn’t provide what you need. Then let that anger go and just move on . Your baby will be fine. You will be fine.

You can’t tell which child or adult was bf apart from those ff.

As long as a child is fed, that’s all that matters.

Whoever is telling you these things is a moron. If your baby is happy that’s all that matters - be kind to yourself because life is short and worrying is a waste of time.

Don't take any notice of the breast feeding mafia. Some women can be horribly cruel to others. As long as your baby is fed she won't care if it's formula or breast milk. Please don't be so hard on yourself, she's thriving and putting weight on so you're doing well.
Best wishes and congratulations on your newborn

It's not right people treating you this way. However you choose to feed your baby is your choice and yours alone. And if people have nothing helpful or supportive to say then they should say nothing.
I knew I didn't even want to try breastfeeding or expressing at all, so I didn't. I never cared what anyone else thought as ff was best for both my baby and I, that was the end of it.
Good luck with whatever you choose to do, and remember fed is best, how is irrelevant.

Honestly, as long as you love your baby it really doesn’t matter how you feed her.

I’m sorry you’ve gone through this OP. I don’t think we are properly prepared for what breastfeeding is like in those early days- especially cluster feeding. It is amazing but you really do have to push through for a few weeks. I know many people who combo fed for a while and then when on to successfully breastfeed for over a year. I think it’s particularly difficult for you being a single parent- I can’t imagine what that must be like with a newborn.

Breastmilk will always be better for your baby BUT I do think it should be ‘choice is best’. Your mental health matters and breastfeeding isn’t for everyone.

Ignore what those people have said to you. It’s not true and it’s unhelpful. What’s important is that you have enough support to reach your breastfeeding goals, whatever they are.

Want to feed once straight after birth? That’s fine. 1 week? That’s fine. 2,3,4 or however many weeks? All fine. Combination feed? Fine. Breastfeeding advocates should be helping you to reach your personal bf goal, whatever that is. If you want to continue to feed, look up a breastfeeding counsellor near you. They’re often on Facebook. But please don’t feel you need to do it because of what those people have said to you, they have no insight into your life or your baby’s needs.

I have two children, one who breastfed till he was nine months and one who could not breastfeed due to medical issues. I tried, for two weeks, but neither she nor I were thriving.

I cried, then reminded myself that feeding your child is important, caring for your child, being awake and alert enough to function mattered.

So, she got formula - but she thrives on it and it was the right choice.

Please forgive yourself.

I just wanted to add to the supportive replies. I'm so sorry to hear about your birth experience - what a stressful start to motherhood. Like you, I went into motherhood with the expectation of EBF, but could not produce enough milk to satisfy my little one. She would constantly cry and was not putting on much weight. As an experiment, I tried her with some formula and she fell asleep straight afterwards. I'm now combination feeding and my daughter is putting on weight at a healthy rate. It broke my heart to use formula at first. :( I've read that it is possible to return to EBF, but, as previous posters have said, it is very time consuming and hard work. Your breasts produce milk on-demand and so the less they are used, the less milk you will produce.

1. Do you have a breast pump? You can try pumping milk around the same time as each formula feed to increase and maintain your milk supply.

1. Are you taking any breastfeeding vitamins/supplements?

1. Milk supply is also affected by your diet. I struggle to find time to eat healthily during the day, something I am working on.

1. A note on formula - many advise mothers not to change formula brand, because it can cause problems with the baby's digestive system.

1. Do you have a local breastfeeding clinic that you can attend? They will be able to provide you with advice on how to return to EBF, if that is what you desire.

As previous posters have written, please do not beat yourself up if you cannot exclusively breast feed. There are plenty of us out there in your position and we are raising healthy, happy babies.

To answer the ridiculous question about "Do you know what's in that formula" - exclusively breastfed babies are advised to take a vitamin D supplement, formula babies are not. :)

xx

Btw it’s easy to fall prey to the formula bashing brigade. I bf my daughter to 13 months but had to leave her for a day at 10 months. I left a bottle of formula for her to have. My BIL commented that they hadn’t given their DD any of that stuff as she only had breast milk until she was 18 months. They happily let her have junk food. I still don’t know why I didn’t shove the ready made aptamil bottle up his arse. I’ll regret it forever that I let that slide

Stop feeling guilty - I know it's easier said than done.

Some other people can be awful - I had a horrible comment from a mum at baby group because I formula fed (she saw me do it). Luckily, she was my second, so I could just brush it off and message some other non-judgemental mums I met at baby group the first time round about how glad I was I met them first! But if she had been my first, it could have destroyed me. it's none of any one else's business except yours. If your baby is thriving, then do what you feel is best for you.

I know all the research, I've read it. But my older DC is in year 5, and you cannot tell who was breast fed, who was formula fed and who was mix fed. And you know what, it's not a question that ever is even discussed.

By all means, if you want to try and re-establish BF then do, but don't beat yourself up if it doesn't work and if it's likely to be detrimental to you and your baby's bond if you start to resent it and it adversely affects your mental health, then don't do it. You and your baby will manage much better with a mum who's not miserable and resenting the time you spend with her.

Who are these people? Ridiculous.

You're feeding her, she's doing well, you're happier. So much pressure to breastfeed and most of the "facts" people throw at you are utter nonsense

I think breastfeeding is a wonderful thing but I had problem after problem with attempting to breastfeed both of my babies. Many people manage to persevere through the kind of issues that I had but I just couldn't manage that in the immediate post-partum period.
Managed to express some milk for my youngest for a few weeks and was happy but overall I've made peace with the fact that I didn't / couldn't breastfeed. I'm focusing on other ways of bonding with my baby and am currently enjoying baby-wearing, baths, baby massage and a few classes.
It sounds like you're doing a great job looking after your baby. If you do decide to re-lactate I hope it goes well for you.