Friendly or creepy

[ItsNotMyName5]

Name changed for this.

At work the other day we where in a situation meaning we where outside for about 2 hours. I didn’t have a coat but I was given a blanket. However there where times where I took it off. Every time I did so a colleague would come up to me and physically put it back over me and said something on the lines of “babe you need to wear this” bit weird but fair enough (the organisation probably can’t afford for me to be ill).

Anyway, at one point I took the blanket off and my Colleague came behind me put on the blanket and said “you’re so cold, I will warm you up” and started to massage my back. I felt really uncomfortable, but didn’t want to create a scene.

The weird thing is this person is usually really professional and considerate when working, so part of me thinks it didn’t come across how they intended it to. They have also been really good to me (in a professional way).

But I do work in an Industry where sexual harassment is ridiculously high. I feel scared to complain about it as the person is very senior and there would be too many problems at my current workplace as well as potentially damaging my career.

Any advice/ information that people could give me, thanks

That is just creepy.

Creepy. You are old enough to know when you’re cold!

Are they famous?

No no one involved is “Famous” just very well connected.

Thanks for clarifying OP.

I guess at this stage you can just keep an eye (and make a note of his behaviour).

Hoping it was a one off.

Would he have done it to a middle aged man? I think that gives you your answer.

It does sound a bit weird alright. When you say massage because you were cold, are we talking rubbing a hand up and down your back, like you would, say with a child whose hands are cold, or are we talking a full on proper massage ? Either one isn't ideal as no one should be touching you, but could it be a case they thought they were not thinking?

Maybe you looked cold and was ruining the scene?

A male in a senior position calling a less senior female colleague babe. He’s a creep

My old (as in former, not old aged) boss calls everyone babe. She's a woman. Is she a creep too? (Spoiler: no she's not).

Are you close enough to anyone to ask if this is his normal behaviour?

On the off-chance, is he a father to young kids?

I’ve found myself defaulting to ‘mum’ role a few times at work, after becoming a parent. I pull myself up for it and apologise, because it’s unprofessional and easily construed as condescending (even if my intentions are good!).

Frankly he sounds like ‘unprofessional’ is his middle name, either way.

I’d stay out of his way, and not bring it up with anyone, given you’re at the start of your career. Yes, I’m aware I’m part of the problem by advising this.

How did you react? You need to stand up to him. Be ready with 'can you not do that please' or similar if he tries to come near you again. Definitely a bit creepy

Unfortunately it seems this kind of thing is rife on film/TV sets. Was it a fellow actor, or one of the crew? Or somebody definitely ‘above’ you, like the director? Even putting the blanket back over you repeatedly when you’d chosen to take it off is out of order, although possibly well-meant; the massage business is totally wrong.

I know rocking the boat is particularly difficult in your industry; I think it’s probably best to address things like that as they happen, with a very firm “I’m fine, thanks” as you step away from him.

Ah.. you're actors. Now it makes all the (grim) sense in the world. I'm a musician but I studied at a very famous school for both music and actors and thus socialised with a lot of actors. A LOT of them are like this, it's not meant to be creepy (mostly), it's just how actors are. It's all about the overly-familiar and the constant massaging. Actors work such unsociable hours for so long that colleagues swiftly become family. It's also pretty incestuous, I wouldn't be that reassured by his having a romantic partner. (bear in mind these are SWEEPING generalisms and of course not all actors are like this)

HOWEVER; this does not make it okay to continue doing it when someone is not okay with it.

Next time tell him you don't like to be touched like that. You're not unreasonable to feel uncomfortable about it! Are you able to talk to a union representative about it? Your director? Someone who can advocate for you if you need a bit of back up.

are we talking rubbing a hand up and down your back, like you would, say with a child whose hands are cold, or are we talking a full on proper massage ?

A full shoulder massage. He did this for about two minutes.

is he a father to young kids?
No, we are both early 20s

Are you able to talk to a union representative about it? Your director? Someone who can advocate for you if you need a bit of back up.

No, as I am not part of any union and parents will blow it out of proportion and go mental.

I can't believe he thought it appropriate to start massaging your back without even asking! I certainly would not put up with this from anyone male or female,unless it was my Ddaughter or Dgranddaughter. The fact that it's making you feel uncomfortable is more important than hurting his feelings!

He is a disgusting creep.

Creepy, and I’d be really pissed off. It’s like the gross male ‘white knight’ version of your mum insisting that you must be cold and to put a jumper on.

Also, doesn’t really matter how he meant it - it matters how it made you feel.

100% guarantee if you told him he wouldn’t apologise and say he didn’t realise he was being so inappropriate, he’d go on the defensive saying he didn’t mean it like that.

Also, doesn’t really matter how he meant it - it matters how it made you feel

100% this.

I'm sorry you don't have anyone to back you up IRL OP. I hope you can manage to ask him to stop! It's not okay for anyone to make you feel uncomfortable, intentional or not.

It was creepy. But that doesn't mean HE thought it was or meant to be. I'd chalk it up to experience. And wear a thermal vest in future!

Come off it, of course that was creepy! It was flirty and a power move. Colleagues don't randomly massage each other, even in the acting world, without some intent behind it. Like someone else said, I doubt he was rushing up to all the middle aged men to do it too (or was he?)

You need to start being more assertive OP. Does he know you're autistic? If so, could you use that a bit to your advantage? ("Sorry if this is too blunt of me, but I really don't like you doing that, could you stop? I don't like people touching me like that. I have sensory issues and I can deal with it in a scene, but I need my own space out here.") You can still be friendly and even apologetic about it (though you shouldn't have to be).

Personally I'd be tempted to say "this is very #metoo of you", but then that's one of many reasons I wouldn't make it as an actor.

The actors I knew would massage each other regardless of gender just out of some kind of distracted habit fuckit. It happens. They learn massage technique at college and it falls into some weird kind of actor-thing that they do during down time. I could well believe it wasn't a power move, or even intentionally anything. But the OP didn't like it and that's all that matters here. He needs to be told no and he needs to listen to that no.

Don't be apologetic about not liking it to him OP! Just be clear and firm.

That said, the "that's very #metoo of you" non-serious suggestion by poster above isn't actually a bad idea. Might make him open his eyes a little.