My ex partner left me last year for a woman 13 years younger than myself. Our relationship was never stable after the birth of our son because of his abusive behaviour that became apparent almost immediately after my lo’s birth.
I was aware that I was being treated poorly to some extent; I challenged him on his behaviour plenty of times and made it clear I didn’t find it acceptable. However, when you’re in the thick of something you often don’t see the full extent, do you? Towards the end I really ramped up challenging him and put my feelings across. It was then someone told me about ‘Narcissism’ and the similarities were astounding. Within 2 months of me really standing up for myself and challenging his abuse he’d found someone else. I’m cutting a lot out here but once he’d run me into debt, ensured I had nothing left to offer because he had bled me dry he found a young girl who has a family with money. A girl (20) who also hates children.
I have seen regular posts about her hating being around her younger siblings, she quit a job because it had regular contact with kids and she also complained to a friend recently that she couldn’t spend the night with my ex, this was because he had our son. He only had him once a week. He also has him in his parents house out of her way.
Collecting our son has always been a nightmare, always late as a control tactic. Now however, he’s late every weekend or asks others to collect him who are also late. I’ve been happy with him having lo once a week until my lo said that daddy was asking questions and saying you must always tell daddy the truth and asking him if I’d had any men around, which I wouldn’t do with my child around. He has also begun taking my lo to meet his girlfriend, she doesn’t speak aside from saying ‘hello’, my lo loves chatting to people so I know he finds this uncomfortable. She won’t join in on any activities just stands on the sidelines. This breaks my heart because I know my lo would welcome her company, just as he does with anyone. I made a point of extending my thanks to both my ex and her when she first met my lo, thanking her for being ok with him and meeting him. I was basically trying to be a good person and show acceptance that she is some form of the family now but this was met with a grunt. The next time they met she again just kept it to ‘hello’ and moved my son to sit by his dad. She has also deleted messages from me to my ex, this happened at Christmas. When this came to light my ex didn’t say anything to her about it. I feel like we mustn’t upset her, despite everything they’ve put me through and the disinterest she has in our child.
I have now suggested him see lo once a fortnight, partly because I don’t like him being quizzed, don’t want my ex’s behaviour to rub off, am sick of waiting round for someone to show up week after week and because I don’t want to antagonise her and for her to take it out on my lo! My ex complained a little about this but wasn’t too bothered to be honest. He threw the weapon word around a bit but I know they’re out drinking every weekend my son isn’t around now so he’s not gone on too much about not having him. Crazy because I had to beg him to spend time with us and I mean beg. This hurts a little still if I’m honest.
I suppose I need to hear if I’m being fair? I don’t feel like I can trust him to ensure our child is treated fairly and with respect and so I just want to protect him! My lo always asks about daddy and when can I see him, this makes me feel really guilty that I couldn’t make things work and that I have to monitor the time they spend together because daddy puts his girlfriend first. Am I doing the right thing? 🥺