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My eldey mum can't at home and wants to go into a care home.

26 replies

HollyIvy5 · 10/02/2020 21:57

Hello, my Mum who is 85 is really struggling in her house which is cluttered and needs so many repairs. Her mobility is very limited, she can't go out anywhere. She has been in and out of hospital a lot since August. She has had a heart stent fitted, that is all good but she has very regular uti, like literally one after the other. She was in hospital for 2 days last week as she had a fall and now she is waiting for an ambulance which her gp has organised to take her back into hospital because of this recurring uti. She has said that she can't cope and wants to go into a care home, she would give me power of attorney. Does anyone have any advice or experience dealing with this type of situation? I live 3 hours drive from her but she wants to be in a care home near me.

OP posts:
Wasywasydoodah · 10/02/2020 22:16

Can she sell her home to pay the fees for a residential home? Have you looked for homes near you? Does she have carers already?
If she doesn’t have enough to pay the feea, when in hospital she should request an assessment and tell the nurses, dr, social worker, OT and physiotherapist that she can’t manage.

SpaceDinosaur · 10/02/2020 22:18

Your mum sounds fantastic and really proactive. That's brilliant.

Start by researching care homes near to you. Visit some and get a short list together for going through together.

Care homes will have experience and probably recommendations about who to go to for the POA paperwork.

Any chance you can go down to your mum before she moves to have a massive declutter of her home before putting it on the market?

Beamur · 10/02/2020 22:21

It sounds like residential care would be good.
Look into what options there are local to you. There are differing levels of support. One place nearby to me is a shared house with carers support, which might be good if you need physical help but are not suffering with dementia.
My mil went into a care home earlier this year and we found it necessary to look round a few.
Funding you might need advice with.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

ChicChicChicChiclana · 11/02/2020 06:44

I think your Mum is very sensible and has saved you the heartache of having to persuade her that she needs to move into a residential home. First of all, can you get her to take cranberry tablets as a daily supplement? They might possibly help with the UTIs.

Ask locally for recommendations for good care homes. They really can vary enormously. Make appointments to visit 4 or 5 if you can.

Power of Attorney is quite complicated. It can be done DIY to save solicitors fees. Maybe search on Mumsnet for previous threads on the subject.

Do you have any siblings you can share all this with?

HollyIvy5 · 11/02/2020 07:07

Thank you for all your replies. My Mum owns her house so I know it will have to be sold. Thank goodness she doesn't have dementia, my dad had dementia and it was the saddest thing ever. I am an only child, I am married but apart from my husband and his mum I have no other relatives. My mum's house is a nightmare, I wouldn't know where to begin. I think I will start looking around for a care home, there are so many in my area. As regard these reoccurring utis, the last one she was on liquid morphine but it has come back again and she was taken back into hospital last night.

OP posts:
DisplayPurposesOnly · 11/02/2020 07:14

You might want to look at Age UK's factsheets and or ring their helpline:
www.ageuk.org.uk/services/information-advice/guides-and-factsheets/

Fairylea · 11/02/2020 07:20

I wouldn’t necessarily assume you’ll have to sell her house. Depending on her care needs and medical history you might qualify for nhs continuing healthcare - my mum got this for copd, Crohn’s disease and mental health issues (she was 70 and owned her own home, we didn’t need to sell the house, she was granted the highest rate of care and was given a place at a nursing home, fully funded). You need to ask for a social care assessment from your local council and also speak to whoever is in charge of her care in hospital. If she is genuinely unable to manage at home they can’t expect her to struggle on until the house is sold - that could take months - so they need to step in now and assess and provide care.

WelcometoCranford · 11/02/2020 07:22

I would contact adult social services in your Mum's area to ask for an assessment of fee liability etc. The hospital can probably refer you. I would second decluttering before sale of the house too, in case there's stuff you want to keep.

keyboardwarrior1 · 11/02/2020 07:35

I would engage with the hospital social worker team WHILE SHE IS IN HOSPITAL and occupying a bed. Make them record in writing that it is not safe for her to return home on her own. Also make it clear that she is hospital because of a UTI - not as a result of dementia or any other age related condition. This gives the option of saying her care need is a health need not a social need. But you will need a lawyer to argue that for you. Get a specialist.

You may find that going home is an option if they fit a fall alarm and arrange four support visits per day from the council care team. She is entitled to this free of charge for a period of six weeks. Surprising that she has not been offered this after her previous discharges. Ask why not and get them to record your questions in writing.

They will be able to advise on care homes in her current area - possibly also in your area. If she is a self funder a care home is likely to cost between £4000 and £5000 per month depending on where you live so her funds may be eaten up quite quickly unless her home is worth a lot. Some homes will offer a package whereby you commit to paying them a large lump they commit to keeping her even if the money runs out. But otherwise, once that happens she may have to move to a LA funded care home. It is important to understand all these options before you make the move.

Go and visit homes in your area and talk through the options with them. Talk to others you may know with parents in care homes. Read the CQC reports.

HollyIvy5 · 11/02/2020 08:01

Hello, thank you keyboardwarrior. I was surprised when she came out last week that there was no care package in place. She has had 2 lots of six week care packages last year after being in hospital. Her house is not worth a lot due to its condition and the area but not had it valued yet.

OP posts:
helpfulperson · 11/02/2020 08:07

I'm going to go against the grain on decluttering.

I recommend that she decides what she wants to take into a care home. Then decide what you want. Then get a house clearance company in to remove the rest.

cologne4711 · 11/02/2020 08:11

I wonder if as a first step you could arrange another care package for her. For example MIL who has dementia and is bedridden has 4 visits a day (she doesn't pay for them either but I think that's quite rare).

Also I don't know if you have any spare money and/or her house is big enough but you could potentially get a live in carer. It's still cheaper than a home.

When I see these threads I always think we need a halfway house between warden accommodation and a care home. I hate care homes, they feel like prisons rather than homes. But what a lot of people need is support eg cleaning, laundry and cooking and someone close by if they have a fall, but they don't need care as such.

Powers of attorney are easy to arrange, you don't need a solicitor and can do it all online.

Judashascomeintosomemoney · 11/02/2020 08:21

I always think we need a halfway house between warden accommodation and a care home
There is Assisted Living. It’s expensive though. We were looking into for my DF before it became obvious he did actually need full care.

Luvacuppatea · 11/02/2020 08:21

OP, if you do go down the care home route, be sure to request a ‘12 week property disregard’ which basically means that your local Council will foot the bill for your mums first 12 weeks of care whilst you and she decided whether or not to make it permanent....... You can also request ‘deferred payments’ where the Council will loan the fees which are then payed back once the property is sold (useful if you can’t face sorting the house immediately)....

Toddlerteaplease · 11/02/2020 08:30

My grandma decided this as she just wanted to be looked after. She wasn't ill or lacking capacity in any way. She moved into a lovely council run home and was very happy there. However my dad was not happy with the social workers, as they talked about her as if she wasn't there. He still thinks all social workers are terrible on that basis to this day. This was early 90's though. Hmm

jessycake · 11/02/2020 08:36

At the moment you mum is unlikely to need continuing health care , but she may need a care needs assessment , I think you have to go through the GP , but everything is constantly changing . Also get power of attorney for care as well as her money . Start to look around your local care homes . They are anything from £800 to £1500 a week , the most expensive isn't always the best and read all the CQC reports thoroughly , as some things that need improvement may not be as concerning as others and another inspection may change them while your mum is there anyway .

Binterested · 11/02/2020 08:42

No experience on the care home element but on the UTIs get her onto D-Mannose every day morning and night.

On Amazon

Recommended to my dd by her urologist for the same issue. You can see from the reviews how well it works.

Butterfly02 · 11/02/2020 08:45

Start by asking the hospital for an assessment while she's in hospital (its quicker this way). Find out if you need to be looking at nursing or residential care (consider a home that do both as then you can transfer with out having to move home).
Dependent on her needs she may be entitled to some financial help (continuing health care) ask the hospital to assess.
Contact your local authority social care department for advice / list of residential or nursing homes. Also ask them about 'top up fees' and what the council would pay as their top rate if she wasn't self funding (you need to know this for when/ if dm runs out of funds as you wouldn't want to move her if she's settled just because of money).
Ask around your local area for recommendations - go and look at a few then maybe you can discuss this with your mum and then take her to any potentials - ask lots of questions also be observant - are the carers observing patients dignity, are they interacting with residents, are the residents and their relatives happy, what does cqc say about the home, how long have management been in place, what's the turnover of staff, could your mum trial a home? How often do GPS/ district nurses / other health care professionals visit the home?
The best home isn't the home that looks nice it's the home that treats all individuals as individuals, cares for them holistically, always remembers that this is the residents home, communicates well.
Hope your mum is feeling better soon if she's in and out of hospital she really needs staff to be looking at treatment plans (eg long term antibiotics etc).

HarryRug · 11/02/2020 08:45

POA may not be needed if your mum has capacity but sounds like she just wants someone else to deal with the stress of this all. Anyway, as you mention it, a POA for health needs or financial needs is very simple to obtain. You fill out a form and get it witnessed. You definitely don’t need a lawyer for that. I also second looking at several residential homes as they vary hugely. Good luck.

Purplewithred · 11/02/2020 08:46

Like Keyboard said, contact Social Services at the hospital asap. Also get an idea of the value of your mum's home ASAP. It is very very likely she will need to self-fund, at least initially, if she has a home to sell. Many hospitals have links with independent not-for-profit companies that help people find the right care home for them.

Dont expect the hospital to keep her longer than she needs to be there for treatment for her UTI - if she can go home with a care package that is what will happen while you are looking for the right home or waiting for a room at the right one (and if there is a waiting list, for obvious reasons rooms come around surprisingly quickly).

Look at LOTS of care homes: when we were looking with mum (who didn't have dementia, wanted a good social life) we asked to have lunch at everywhere we visited to make sure the food was good and the atmosphere was jolly with lots of activities. This meant quite a big care home - bigger than we'd have expected.

You may well find she does really well in a care home - they are very hot on hydration and mobility and pounce on UTIs and will be able to treat them on the spot.

FLOrenze · 11/02/2020 08:51

We had to clear my mums house in very similar circumstances. A lot of charities do house clearance. It is either free if they take only what they can sell or chargeable if they take everything. My mums house was a tip and we used St Francis Hospice. We cleared out all of the food and they took everything else. They were amazing and well worth the money.

When we sold the house we were really surprised at the reaction from buyers. The house needed rewiring , it had bits and pieces hanging of everywhere and dreadful stains on all the carpets. Nonetheless we got £80,000 above our own valuation. The agent we used was quite expensive but had a list of people who wanted a project.

Princessdebthe1st · 11/02/2020 09:12

OP, you have had lots of good advice on this thread. I would say with regard to POA, if your mum is happy for you to have it get it organised ASAP (as in NOW). If your mum loses capacity, which can happen suddenly following a fall or similar, you can no longer get POA and have to go through the court of protection which is much more time consuming and much more expensive. Getting POA for health & welfare and finance & property (you will need both) is relatively straightforward and you do not need a solicitor or similar. It does take a couple of months to come through after you have applied which is why you need to do it ASAP.

Princessdebthe1st · 11/02/2020 09:15

Use this website:
www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney

This is the official government one. If you Google the first few that come up will charge.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 11/02/2020 09:57

I wouldn’t necessarily rely on other people’s opinions of care homes, unless their experience is very recent.. A change of manager can do a lot either way. We’ve had to find care homes twice, , though because of dementia, so rather different, but visited a lot both times before we found the right one.

If there’s an Abbeyfield anywhere near, I hear from reliable sources they’re usually very good, and often cheaper. My mother was in a lovely dementia-only Abbeyfield for a long time. And talking of expensive, please try not to be influenced by smart decor. An aunt of dh put herself into a very ‘luxurious’ one for a month while her helper was away. But the atmosphere was dreadful, staff were surly and unhelpful - she hated it.

I’ve seen similar while looking for my mother and FiL - IMO ‘Homes and Gardens’ decor is often there to influence relatives who are choosing and will certainly not necessarily mean the best, kindest care. Cosy and homely, even if a mite shabby round the edges, with cheerful, friendly staff, is IMO what you want to look for.

And please discount any that want you to make an appointment just for an initial look around. I would always ring first, though, and avoid mealtimes, when staff are usually extra busy.

I agree with not bothering to de-clutter the house - just remove anything she wants to keep/anything sentimental, and let the house clearance people do it. As for the condition of the house, obviously it will affect the price, but there will always be people looking for a doer-upper.

Good luck and all the best.