Mothers funeral

[Gelert27]

Hi,
On the day of my mum's funeral 6th Feb a secondary member of my family and someone my mother didn't really like (but was too polite to say) launched a vicious and bitter attack on my mum, it went on for hours. She condemned every aspect of my mother's character, her life, her decisions everything. From who mums small legacy should be distributed to. That being people she didn't know in life but have a family link with and people the hater has an interest in, to "your mum never loved you" the what I now call the my mum's better than yours game (which I obviously didn't entertain). And the your mum was never never good enough to have my mother's love.
She even tried to prevent me from comforting my own sister!
When all that failed to get any reaction from me whatsoever and we were alone she turned her hatred toward other family members and their relationships (these are people she claims to love). Hers was perfection of course! Again I simply told her I had no ideas or opinions as it was none of my business. And so it went on.... fertility :-my niece who's having problems conceiving should get on with it any way she can, sexuality :- she thinks my brother in law is gay.
Death:- my mother was undeserving of her 83 years when she(the hater) had lost two siblings at a young age.
At the time, I did nothing and said no more than "she was my mum and I loved her" and in all honesty I don't care enough about this woman for her words to cause me pain. However, should she be allowed to get away with this? A personal visit is far more effort than she deserves and a telephone call pointless as every one turns into a monologue about her, her life, her opinions. I'm sure you get the gist.
So what do I do? Write her a letter or let it go and allow myself to grieve?
Mum would have said "it's not worth it love" but in doing that she'd allowed this woman not only to bad mouth her in life but in death too, spreading her poison and manipulating my fragile sister into believing only negative things about our mum.
I'm at a loss and feel I cannot move on until this is resolved. I'd really appreciate any insights you may have and am grateful for your time.
Love Nicky x

Hi, first of all I am so very sorry for your loss, and you sound like such a gentle, loving and compassionate person. I can't even begin to imagine the sorrow you must be feeling.
With regards to this person, they behaved in a totally repulsive manner yet your behaviour towards them was a lesson in true class. I know you are struggling to move on from these hurtful words but in my opinion your energy will be wasted on trying to talk to them. What I would do is write that letter, let out all the feelings, and when you feel you have poured it all out, rip it and bin it whilst sending them some sort of prayer/blessing/ thoughts of forgiveness. I have done this before when hurt by someone and it soothed me and made me feel I was not lowering myself to their low standards. Who knows, some people are truly unpleasant and nasty by nature, but often, bad behaviour comes from a place of intense pain, you just don't know what is going on in anyone's life.
I was in awe of the way you carried yourself at this terrible event and you will feel good in yourself eventually for not letting this person get the better of you. A massive hug to you

I’m sorry for your recent loss OP

I reckon that you should cut this person out of your life and try to
move on. I don’t think that you’d be letting her “get away with it” - I doubt that any of the other mourners will have believed a word of it. She sounds absolutely unhinged.

Thank you so much for replying, your kindness and sound advice. I was having difficulty in finding any emotional response whatsoever good or bad to this womens tirade.
I think that a letter to be destroyed later and a wish of hope for her (for that is all I am able to give) would help me move on and come to terms with the trauma of losing my mum and best friend.
Thank you again
Love Nicky x

Hi,
Thank you for taking the time to read my post and reply.
I think you're right. I will do what the other lady suggested with the letter and destroying it and I will cut the hater out of my life completely.
If I'm asked why I no longer attend family get togethers do you think I should explain, tell them what she did or let it pass?
Thank you
Nicky x

Mum would have said "it's not worth it love"

Your Mum was a wise woman, OP, and she brought you up to be a kind and caring person. I'd say that made her an instant winner in the parent stakes. You must miss her so much.

This other woman made a complete and utter show of herself and she is probably blithely unaware of how unhinged she came across to others. That's both her punishment and her reward, all at the same time.

Let it go. Grieve for your lovely Mum. I'm sort for your loss 💐

Sorry for you loss (not "sort" - sorry).

Thank you so much,
The hater kept saying that my mum didn't have any time for her because she wouldn't play any of mum's games or be manipulated by her. After witnessing what I did it's now my belief that mum saw her for what she was and decided to give her a wide berth as I will now do.
There's been so much turmoil in me I got stuck, obsessing over it. When, In the great scheme of things, it doesn't matter at all. I just needed a little nudge and reassurance to remind me of that.
I do miss her terribly, we met every day and she gave me the love and support only a mother can give.

Thank you for caring enough to reply.
You're good people
Love Nicky x