Hello, last time I posted I was going into labour. Now my amazing daughter Is 3 months next week.
The birth was so traumatic, waters had to be broken and I went from 3cm to 10cm in less than an hour. Tried so hard to push her out, pain was so awful, here spine wasnt aligned with her head, so no amount of pushing would get her out. I was on gas and air then morphine. They then tried forceps twice, but my baby wiggled away from them. So a emergency doctor got called in, my baby was distressed heart beat went to 190, so emergency c section. I was terrified and already have an anxiety disorder. I lost a litre of blood and was so weak after. But baby was ok. I was in hospital best part of a week, I was so emotional as was my partner. I had a blood transfusion then a Infection. My baby was jaundice and her temperature very low. Skip to now. I'm still breastfeeding even after mastitis. But have delayed post natal anxiety and depression. I find myself getting jealous of my partner if hes feeding her or playing with her. He will feed her ebm if I need a break or if go out. He wants to do everything I do with her. If I do skin on skin he has to, if I breast feed he insists on feeding her at times too, if I play with her he will. It never bothered me til recently but I feel I have nothing of my own. Like no unique bond that's different to her and her dads. Everyone in his family and mine would say, before she was even born. That she would be a daddys girl. After everything I've gone through I want her to love me most. I know its selfish. I've never and will never interfere with their bond and relationship. This is just a feeling I'm scared to voice. Me and him clash as it is, and if I try to explain any insecurities he makes it about himself and scolds me. He lost his job before she was born so going through his own problems, so I've been supporting him and making sure hes ok alot. But I dont get it back. No on really asks about me anymore.