Where is the line between doing a nice favour and being taken advantage of?

[ElderAve]

People on MN (sorry, yes inspired by another thread) seem to get very upset about being taken advantage of and there's lots of advice like "no is a complete sentence". People get very upset if they feel they're being put upon etc and I can see that if it's all one way but I've never experienced that.

Very early in my career I attended a (very 1980s) seminar, something like How to Win Friends and Influence People. I don't remember much of the content but one thing that really stayed with me was the power of the favour.

It has served me well, whether it's making the coffee, contributing to a report that wasn't really my job, picking up lunch for colleagues when I go to get mine, staying late to explain a complex task a colleague is struggling with, collecting others' children from school, sharing research I've done that can help with someone else's presentation, giving an acquaintance the benefit of my professional expertise, watering a neighbour's plants etc etc.

Being in a position where there are always people you can ask for help because you did it first makes life a whole lot easier and happier IME, even if it does mean that some people "owe" me more than I owe them. Plus it makes for a warm feeling inside and really is there any harm in being others' "go to" person?

But so many people here are determined that no-one should be "allowed" to take advantage. Surely it is these things that make the world go round? Does it make you any happier to know that you haven't given anyone more than they've given you?

Sometimes it's about men taking from women, but I worked the first 23 years of my career in a very male dominated environment. I was often the only woman in my department and I found the same thing there. I helped them, they helped me.

I've never had this problem, but from reading on here I feel it's when
a) people start expecting favours on a regular basis or
b) extend the favour (you offer to take them to/from work and they ask you to take them somewhere else on the way) and
c) never reciprocate.

The line is wherever you are happy for it to be.
But its the nature if mumsnet that we only hear those who are moaning.

Love your post. I've never thought of it that way, but I think that's the attitude I was brought up with. Do nice things for other people and life rewards you. And I agree with you that it mostly works. And you feel much better if you have to ask a favour, as you say.

I've nvm ever had the being pushed around problem either. Maybe because if people do ask me to do something and its not convenient I don't mind saying no politely.

Sounds like a Dale Carnegie seminar you attended.

I think the border between favour and cf-ness is when the recipient feels entitled to the help, rather than it being voluntarily given.

Ie. You give a child a lift, because child’s sibling is poorly so mum stays with it = favour
Mum then expects you to give child a lift every week = cf

Also, a favour is when you do something voluntarily. Taken advantage is when that favour is then perceived as a regular job of yours.

Honestly I think lots of people are terrified of the thought that they are being taken advantage of, to the point it stops them offering favours, it's a shame. As long as a) I'm not putting myself in a precarious financial position or breaking any laws/policies and b) I'm doing things for others on my own terms, not feeling like I've been tricked or twisted into it, I'm happy enough if I'm doing more for someone than they are able to do for me.

I think it depends on the favour ,
As you said if I am going to the shop I will pick up lunch for someone , however I won't get a long list of stuff and I wouldn't go just for them unless they were very busy or incapacitated in some way .

One of the worst CFry I know of was many years ago my DD agreed to give a lift to someone that lived near us and worked near DD while their car was in the garage .
Fine no problem at all, but it turns out there was a major issue with the car and it was not worth repairing so he stuck a for sale for parts / scrap sign on the windscreen.
My DD walked past the house and saw the sign, so the following day said to CF what car are you going to buy ( mildly curious)
CF said oh I thought you could just keep taking me to work as it's cheaper for me that way.
DD was a very mild mannered person but apparently you could the response in very colourful language about 50 feet away

The difference is in your question. A. A nice thing. Singular. I think in transactions. So you do something nice for me then I owe you and vice versa.

I think there's also an aspect of paying it forward. For example I have a friend whose children are the same age as mine. When they were young, I had hers far more than she had mine because I had two sets of GPs desperate to have my DC and she had no-one. I was very aware of how lucky I was and whilst she has done me favours she's never been in a position to pay be back in full. It's never occurred to me that she should.

That's fine, I'm sure there are people from whom I've accepted/asked more favours than I've given.