What access would my violent, alcoholic and drug using ex have to our child?

[Boomzaramae]

Me and my child’s father were in a relationship for 3 years. Completely toxic, involved a lot of manipulation and verbal abuse from him to me. It first ended when he assaulted me the first time which I have recorded on video. However shortly afterwards I found out I was pregnant. We still never got back together and he abandoned me throughout the pregnancy, chose to get drunk and stoned with mates rather than want to contribute to buying all the necessary things for our soon to be born child. He even sent text messages telling me to abort the baby and threatened to kick my head in when I was 6 months pregnant. I allowed him into the room whilst our child was born, and for a few weeks afterwards it seemed like the birth had changed him. We slowly started to rebuild our relationship but his toxic traits started to creep back in. Couple months down the line he started with the verbal abuse again, calling me ugly, fat, my stretch marks were hideous and no one would ever love me. However he’d always blame this behaviour on his mental health and would bring up that he was going to kill himself if I left. The police were even called due to his threats of going to kill himself. I’ve received pictures of him cutting himself and messages followed saying he was doing it ‘for me’. He was not allowed around our child unless supervised following this behaviour all of which I have documented on text messages. He went to get help and few months later for a part our relationship continued until we were away for a weekend as a family, and he again got so drunk that he assaulted me whilst I was holding our child and again assaulted me in front of our child. I grabbed my child and fled away driving 3 hours home through the night with a swollen eye and blood coming from my face. I reported the assault to the police the next morning, they arrested him and he has now been charged with assault by beating. He, however, is denying doing it and so the case has got to go to trial at court. It has currently been 4 months since the assault happened, he hasn’t done anything to try and see our child, and I’ve been told by a health visitor not to allow him access until I get court papers through the door. His mum, our child’s paternal grandmother, is also a health visitor herself, and was seeing our child every other weekend and understood she was not to take our child near him. I’ve recently found out she broke that trust and so told her if she wished to see her grandchild she would do so with my supervision so I know he wouldn’t be anywhere near. I met our child’s paternal grandparents in a mutual place so they could see their grandchild for around 3 hours with no issues. I then a couple of days later received a text message from the paternal grandmother wanting to come and pick our child up without my being there, something I’d already explained couldn’t happen because she had broken the trust of that. Now I have received typed up letters from the paternal grandmother demanding I give her and my child’s father defined contact as no matter the outcome of his court hearing for the assault he still has equal parental responsibility. They demanded I let him see her twice a week and this be built up slowly and that I reply to the letter within 7 days or they are taking me to court. The first letter I received from his mum was about them all seeing my child but mainly about her seeing my child. The second letter didn’t mention them at all but rather everything that my child’s father has done such as “he has now got legal support” “he is progressing with a child arrangement order” “he is requesting for an immediate contact order” “he has completed the CAFCASS parenting plan progress summary” “he is committed to a CAFCASS officer being involved” and so on. Not only do I not want my child around her father that is violent, an alcoholic and takes illegal drugs regularly, but I’m a full time university student that works every other weekend and so want the time to see my child l, not to go to a dangerous environment at least twice a week and for it to be built up slowly. The paternal grandmother quotes a lot about CAFCASS in her letters. It’s just even more hurtful that she admitted her sons behaviour is disgusting and he needs supervised, and that immediately after the assault I said that if my child’s father goes and gets help for the drink, drugs and anger and I have proof of it I will allow you as my child’s paternal grandmother to take my child to see him and supervise him. And I never got anything. In fact he’s posted pictures out drinking many of times since. These letters have now come 4 months later since the paternal grandmothers access has been stopped. I’ve got a nursery report that shows that effect the assault had on my child at the time such as crying everytime a man entered the room.
Any help in regards to what he would be entitled to considering his behaviour and substance abuse would by greatly appreciated as I just want to keep my child safe.
Any information on anything extra I can get or fill out to show the court the effect his behaviour has caused would also be greatly appreciated, I’ve got the nursery report and the health visitor report that tells me not to allow him near until I get court papers so far.
Thankyou very much for any help

This sounds similar to my friends problems with her ex and their daughter. Last Christmas, her ex had their 5yo DD with him when he attempted suicide. Police and SS became involved, she was advised by SS to refuse access until the ex had accessed MH and SS were happy their DD would be safe.
So she followed their advice and denied all access. His mum and aunt still saw the DD but were warned to keep her away from Ex. Of course his mum left DD with ex as 'he had a right to see his daughter'.
She stopped all contact with Ex and family and has had nothing but harassment since. His mum did the same as your ex MiL-sent shitty letters demanding access for her son and herself and threatening court. My friend went to a solicitor and paid to have a letter sent out stating the access would only be sorted in family court and no contact was to be made. (they tried to take DD out of school once).
Another shitty letter came in threatening court blah blah blah-my friend passed it to solicitor. And that was it. she's not heard a peep since. And....no court. Her ex just couldn;t be bothered and his mum can't do it for him. It has to come from him.
So she can bump her gums all she likes. I would suggest you find a solicitor-my friend got legal aid and was able to stand her ground with the support of her HV and SS. stand your ground and ignore her-she's just trying to bully you.
And yes, report her to NMC. she's using her profession to try and intimidate you.
Good luck

@bibbetybobbityhat did the use of you having the non molestation order against your ex help in your case to try and keep the children safe from him? I’ve looked into applying for this order, a restraining order is already in place and will carry on being in place 28 days after his court case has passed in March for the assault. But if this non molestation is something that might help further ill apply for it

I would actually report his dm to her work place...
She is abusing her position imo. Using her status to claim she knows what best for your dc and is supposed to be in a community figure of trust.
We had harassment from ndn who was a police switchboard operator.
He was sacked after reporting him with evidence.

Thankyou everyone for the advice, there’s truly nothing more terrifying than the thought that an actual psychopath might be allowed around my child unsupervised and there might not be a lot I can do about it. It truly means a lot! Hopefully all this is just his mum using scare tactics and it wouldn’t surprise me at all if he didn’t have any knowledge the letters have even been sent! In an ideal world I hope they won’t bother with proceeding to court, but unfortunately his mother is very hard faced and I know she will force him to. But it’s good to know how these cases usually go, just for my peace of mind over keeping my child safe more than anything!

In regards to reporting the grandmother to her profession, I’m speaking with my own health visitor on Wednesday and so will be showing her the letters and if she agrees the grandmother shouldn’t be sending such letters, written in such a way, I will be reporting her. I agree it’s not right that she can on one hand remove children from homes where domestic violence, alcohol and drug abuse is happening, but yet it turning a blind eye to it all because it’s her son.

I would ignore - and also talk to your own HV about the grandmother.

She is a fool. She knew what her son was and knew her only chance of a relationship with her grandchild was through you. So she could have maintained that relationship, been a support to you, nurtured a relationship with her grandchild etc. Instead, she ignored you, put your child in a dangerous position with his father, and now that it has blown up on her is threatening and blustering and hoping to intimidate you into doing what she wants - the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree.

I don't see any benefit for your child in seeing her.

She is trying to bully you with her “professional” behaviour and “knowledge” in those letters. Your solicitor is right - do not respond in any way. Use the legal process to manage the situation. They will have to explain the way they are behaving should this one before a Family Court. With regards to speaking with your health visitor about her behaviour, another way to manage this would be to contact her employer and make a complaint - they are obliged to investigate the practice of their clinicians if within nhs. Or just contact the NMC directly, by involving another clinician they will be put into a difficult situation to make a judgement call on a colleague. Let the regulating body decide.

The letters you've received are no more than bluff and bluster designed to coerce you into allowing her contact with your dc and, as advised by your solicitor, you should continue to ignore them.

Your ex's mother has no 'grandparents rights' and knows that if her son is ordered to see his child in a contact centre she will be unable to gain access your dc.

Furthermore, if proceedings against you are issued in the family courts the case can't be heard, and Cafcass won't be asked to prepare a report, until such time as your ex has been dealt with in the criminal courts.

Is your ex's case being heard in the Magistrates or is he taking his chances in the Crown Courts? You've mentioned that the assault took place 4 months ago and have referred to a date in March. If this date is for a full hearing of the case am I correct in assuming that he's being dealt with in the Magistrates?

With regard to the restraining order that is currently in place, it's my understanding that whether he's found guilty or is acquitted the court has the power to impose a restraining order on him for a specified period of time or until further order. Who told you that the existing order will only last 28 days after his case is heard?

It is a magistrates court yes. It was due to take place in my home town on the 14th February and the day before I get a phone call from a lady at the court apologising that the court date set for tomorrow will have to be cancelled as it has just been brought to their attention there is a conflict of interest between a defence witness and the court. Child’s father will still have to attend tomorrow for another hearing and date to be given but it will more than likely now have to take place in Liverpool. The lady said she wasn’t allowed to tell me who the conflict of interest was but the fact it’s with the court I can only assume it’s his mother that has last minute decided she’s going to say something in his defence. And it would be a conflict with the court because she’s in that court all the time for her job and giving evidence to do with removing children away from dangerous environments. Me and my family thinks she’s probably done it for two reasons, the first being to try and prolong the trial in a hope that my child’s father will be granted contact before he’s convicted of assault, and the second being that any guilty findings in the court is reported locally and she won’t want anyone finding out that is what her son has done. The restraining order was what the police officer said he had put in place for me, I cannot remember the name of it but when I have researched it says it’s to stop him from contacting me up until the court date and 28 days afterwards

Sorry, 14th January is when the court date should have originally taken place.

Thanks for the updates, good to know you already have a solicitor who is giving good advice.
Your ex's mother should already have informed her employer about her son's arrest and charge as its relevant to her work. I'd definitely mention it to your own health visitor who will be obliged to pass this information on to the health authority employing this woman.
Criminal proceedings have to be resolved before a family court can make recommendations on contact etc but the Court could order a report from Chidren's Services under Section 7 of the Children Act. In your circumstances, that doesn't seem necessary as you are doing everything you can to protect your little girl from potential harm in the paternal family.
Stay strong.

Your surmisings are likely to be correct and the conflict of interest has been caused by his mother putting her oar in but, unless she was present when he assaulted you, she can only be called as a character witness which suggests that this is his first offence - or the first time he's come before the courts.

You should have opportunity to speak to the prosecuting barrister before the case is heard at which time you can make your reservations about his mother known and ask that issue be taken if she tries to claim that her darling son is entirely innocent of any wrongdoing, or that you provoked him or similar.

Tomorrow's (more properly today's) hearing will be to remand him further and adjourn pending the transfer of the case to Liverpool. Hopefully a date in March will be confirmed for the final hearing.

Will you be giving evidence? If so, have you asked for screens to be put in place so that you do not have to see him (the defendant)? You may find Victim Support helpful www.victimsupport.org.uk/
and also bear in mind that as a victim of a crime you can file a claim with the Criminal Injuries Board if you are so minded.

With regard to the current restraining order, I would imagine that the '28 days' was granted as a failsafe to protect you if the case was delayed. However, regardless of whether he's found guilty or acquitted, there's no reason why the existing order shouldn't be extended for a specified time or until further order under Section 5A of the Protection from Harassment Act 1997. Again, this is an issue to raise with the prosecuting barrister.

As advised before, continue to ignore any letters his mother sends you and discuss the following with your solicitor in order to keep your child safe in the event that proceedings are issued against you in the family courts:

1. Any contact with his child should take placed in the supervised environment of a contact centre for at least six months, or longer given the two further conditions below, the cost of which should be paid for by him.

1. He should agree to undergo hair strand tests for drugs and alcohol every month for a year.

1. He should attend a DAPP (domestic abusers perpetrators course) before being allowed unsupervised contact with his child.

1. Given his mother's interference and insistence on contact, applying for a Prohibited Steps Order requiring your child to be returned promptly after contact would be a wise move.

As it stands, if he failed to return your child after contact the police are unlikely to act as he has shared parental responsibility and you would be placed in the unenviable position of having to wait to apply for an emergency PSO.

Frankly, I wouldn't put anything past his mother and have no doubt she will do whatever it takes to have access to your child including accusing you of all sorts and withholding your child after any contact she's able to have.

Finally, discuss an application for a non-molestation order if the court doesn't extend the existing restraining order.

I hope that none of the above has alarmed you or caused you to panic. Who knows his mother may turn into a sweet old grandmother with wolf's teeth-- but I prefer to consider every eventuality, anticipate what the other side might do, and head them off wherever possible.

If points 1 - 3 are put into place it's likely he'll fail and your problems will be over - until mummy he starts up again.

NB the second sentence of the penultimate paragraph in the above should read 'Who knows - his mother my turn into a sweet old grandmother with wolf's teeth but I prefer to consider every eventuality etc etc.

This is not my ex’s first time in court, he had to appear when he was 15 being accused of racial comments. And was found not guilty. However it is his first time for assault. My mum has given a character statement against him, my cousin has give a statement as she was there when he threatened to kick my head in when I was 6 months pregnant. The police officer is attending court to give a statement about how I was when I was at the police station. The police have pictures of my injuries, my statement, the video footage from when he first attacked me and I have sent over a screenshot message from my ex’s mother who messaged me the morning after when she had to go and pick him up from the Lake District which read “he must have been so drunk he can’t remember or he’s acting daft but I’ve not said anything to him about the police yet as I don’t want him doing a runner”. I spoke with the police officer who said he has not taken a statement from his mother but I think it has got to be her that last minute wants to try and say something in his defence. But even after the assault and the 3 hour journey home I had to make with a swollen eye and blood coming from my face, I got home to be told by my mum she had gone round to his mums house who had rang him to ask what had happened and he had swore on our child’s life he hadn’t touched me. Being told this, I went straight to his mums house with my dad, got her out of bed around 3am and when she opened the door she just went “oh so he has hit you then” and went inside and told her everything, showing her the further injuries on my body. She never once asked if my child was ok. But instead just told me “ok go to the police and don’t give a shit about what happens to him”. That was probably the most support I got and since then she’s been fully on his side. But I really don’t know what she’s going to say in his defence. Probably anything to try and get him off. I would like to speak to the prosecuting barrister before the trial just to see what they are going to use because I his mother is going to come up with a lot of lies, does anyone know how I get into contact with the barrister? Thankyou for all that advice @DonKeyshot it’s really appreciated, I will speak with my lawyer about it all