"Sleep when the baby sleeps"

[WombatStewForTea]

Posting here for traffic as I don't think the sleep board gets much traffic.

First time mum and dd is a week old. She won't sleep unless it's on someone. Won't go in her Moses basket or next2me for more than 15/20 mins. I researched the whole forth trimester thing and I get it. But...

DH and I are doing shifts throughout day and night which is working ok. However he goes back to work next week. What the hell am I meant to do then?! I can't survive the next 12 weeks with no sleep and I can't ask DH to do proper night shifts but he'll do some early mornings and late nights. Tried co-sleeping but she still didn't settle.

I hate whoever suggested to 'sleep when the baby sleeps' - unless it's falling asleep on a sofa this is a no go! And obviously I won't.

Is there anything at all I can do to try and extend the time she'll settle off me/DH now? That is rather than waiting it out.

Are you breastfeeding? If so look at how to breastfeed laying down, how to safely bed share etc. This was the only way I managed to get through those early weeks. My little one also liked to be swaddled and settled better in her next to me when she was.

We had twins. The little monsters almost never were asleep at the same time. Any time they were calm I had to pump, and tackle the washing up mountain so i could pump. There was no sleep to be had. DH and I both did nights together or I would have been put in an institution. Depending on what DH’s job is and what the sleep situation is by then you absolutely can get him to help in the night. Both getting 5 solid hours of sleep will keep you both functioning for a while. Of course if you’re breastfeeding that is more of a challenge and you may have to come up with a schedule that works for you.

Of course it’s difficult working on little sleep. But it’s downright dangerous taking care of a small baby who doesn’t want to be put down when you can’t stay awake. Unless he’s a lorry driver or air traffic controller or similar, I’d be expecting help. Get as much rest as you can when he’s at home, evenings and weekends.

A lot will change. Her sleep patterns will be massively different in a few weeks.

Couple of things to try - have you tried swaddling her? Also if you can tilt the angle of her crib in case the reason she likes being held is because of the more upright position.
I also used to put a warm hot water bottle into the basket before putting DD3 in as then she stayed cosy warm (she’s a demon for needing to be cosy even now).

@WombatStewForTea have you considered wearing your DD in a sling around the house? It doesn't solve the won't-be-put-down issue (I'm not sure there is a solution for that!) but it means she can be close to you and you'll have your hands free to do the bits and pieces you need to do, so you can grab quick cat-naps during the short periods she will let you put her down. Seraphine do a good skin-to-skin top, and there are loads of comfy slings on the market (I use a Close Caboo Lite).

Your DH will still have to help at night when he goes back to work - what hours does he work? My DH pretty much does 9am-5pm so he's 'in charge' from 10pm to 2am (gives DD bottles of expressed milk so I get 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep) and then I take her so he can get about 5-6 hours of sleep before he needs to get up for work.

It's really tough - my DD is 8 weeks and the challenges are constantly evolving. But there are definitely things you can do to survive, and even though you'll have dark moments - I remember sitting up in bed, crying, telling DH I couldn't do it anymore! - you'll get through them, and start having days where you think 'this isn't so bad!'

I managed by pretty much throwing DS at DP when he came home from work and going to bed for a few hours. He's formula fed so DP would do the last evening feed. We spent very little time together in those early weeks, but it doesn't last forever.

Also, we gave up on the next2me for a few months, because he never settled in it. I think it was too big for him. We used a moses basket until about 12 weeks, then switched back to the next2me

DH comes home. Quick hello and then you go to bed.

DH is "on duty" til midnight so you get 6 hours sleep.

You then get whatever sleep is possible for the rest of the day til DH gets home again.

6 hours of solid sleep will make a huge difference. It's not ideal but won't last for her. As the baby sleeps more, you can start staying up later again!

my evenings never really recovered and I'm still in bed my 9 most nights now

FTM here who laughed at the phrase "sleep when your baby sleeps". My baby is now 6 weeks old and I was in exactly the same situation as you. I promise it has got a bit better but it was so tough at the beginning. Still not perfect now but more manageable.

The only way I got thru is doing shifts with DH in the night - even when he went back to work. I would sleep early evening when he couldn't and we'd take it in turns. I'd try and let him have a good 6 hours sleep even if in two halves and then he'd wake up and let me have a couple of hours. I'd probably manage 3-5 hours a night realistically but it was enough in the short term. Don't feel guilty about asking him to help, keeping a tiny human alive is a full time job too you know! I'm sure he wouldn't want you falling asleep on the sofa and putting by our little one in any danger.

Typically, one would hold baby for a few hours and watch tv. The other would sleep.

I tried breastfeeding lying down and cosleeping too but with limited success. The couple of times it did work were AMAZING though. I'm still trying to persevere with this now.

I also found she eventually got used to her Moses basket and next to me crib for slightly longer periods. Enough for a quick cat nap.

Don't worry about the near future as babies develop fast and there will be new patterns in a few weeks time. Take it one day at a time.

This "sleep when the baby sleeps" crap really gets my goat (what happens if you have a toddler, or need to collect an older child from school, or twins, or a baby that just won't sleep at all, etc?).

Of course babies love sleeping on their parent. But that parent needs proper rest in order to function. You need to break the habit and teach your baby to feel snug and secure sleeping in her basket or cot. This is not cruel, it's inevitable, as eventually you'd have a whopping great child draped on top of you!

It is very encouraging that she will go in her basket for 15/20 mins. You can build from that. When she cries, rather than lifting her out, you can pat her, soothe her and talk to her gently in her cot. You may find that she settles. Keep trying every time, because she may not settle this week, but may be ready to settle next week. This in not the same as "crying it out" (she's too young for that), but it's just giving her a chance.

The other trick is put her in her pram and walk her around. Not ideal long term because she needs to learn to settle without that, but in the early days you need all the props you can get and at least she would be asleep somewhere safe that it is not on top of you.

Good luck, it gets easier.

DH absolutely will still help when he goes back to work - but the current taking 2 hour shifts throughout the night thing won't work.

@lyralalala yes tried swaddling and it made a small difference. Going to give the hot water bottle a try. I hadn't thought about the level of the cot too I'll give that a go.

@RedPandaFluff I have got a sling but tbh I'm just ignoring all jobs around the house! DH will help it's just that I'm going to have to change the way we're doing it now. She doesn't really like taking an expressed bottle so it's been hard for him to have her for more than a couple of hours at a time. Again hoping she'll start taking a bottle more easily.

Will keep perseverating with putting her down and hope she starts to settle for longer

I didn't nap during the day when fiancé was at work. I drank lots of tea and watched lots of tv while ds breastfed and napped in my arms. Quick trip out with the pram for sanity levels / fresh air but really it felt like 99% of my life was on the sofa!

When fiancé was off work he sometimes held ds so I could nap.

By night we muddled through trying to get ds to sleep in his next 2 me crib.

Very, very hard but it goes very quickly looking back.

Try and find a good box set and eat or drink whatever you like to see I through!

My DD is now 2 months and was the same! Luckily it's gotten better. I found buying a next2me crib helped as I initially was just using a normal crib. Hopefully nap times will extend. Ensure bed sheet, blankets etc all smell of you and try advice above.

Just keep with it and share sleep as much as you can with your DP.

It's knackering but they are cute! My DS was a much better sleeper so I have found it harder with DD

I think the "sleep when the baby sleeps" idea is not intended to be a breezy solution to all your sleep problems, more a reminder to some exhausted new mothers that if there IS actually a situation in which it's possible to safely sleep while your baby sleeps (e.g. if they have fallen asleep in the pram and you can crawl on to the sofa nearby, or if you can go off to bed together for a nap) then it's a good idea to forget about all the non-absolutely-essential tasks and just get some rest, rather than feeling that you need to power round doing all the chores instead of snatching the opportunity for a nap yourself.

I would definitely suggest considering taking the baby into bed with you if you're breastfeeding - it's normal for her not to have settled the first time, but worth giving another go until she gets used to it (I used to do cuddle curl with arm round baby, and boob in baby's mouth!) It doesn't need to be risky if you take the appropriate precautions about preventing them from falling out of bed or getting tangled in bedclothes etc - there are loads of checklists out there. You might start her off in the next2me and then take her into bed if she wakes and cries after 20 minutes.

And yes, I agree that DH can probably do some of the night time waking as well, unless he is a surgeon or a lorry driver or genuinely cannot do his job without a proper night's sleep. It's normal for both parents to be completely exhausted in the early days. The best way is just to try to juggle things so that neither of you is is completely cracking up through lack of sleep, whatever pattern that might be.

My twins slept a lot during the day and at night but there was always something to do while they slept. I had to wash and make 14 bottles a day (this was before the Perfect Prep), sterilise bottles, washing mountains of clothes and nappies plus feeding and winding one premature baby took almost an hour then I had to deal with the second baby and by the time I finished with the second baby I would get an hour before it started again. They fed every 3 hours. I did night feeds but when dh came home at 5 he would take over until midnight.

It meant we had no life whatsoever for 7 months but we survived and you will too

You really will survive on little sleep. I know it doesn’t seem likely right now but I don’t think any parent ever died from exhaustion... We all go through this stage and survive it.

Em you just do it. When he's at work you have no choice, your body adapts.
Congratulations! She's only one week.my boy only slept on me for the first two months!

You get used to it. You think you won't but you do. I have a 12 week old, a 2 year old and a 4 year old (none at school) so 'sleep when the baby sleeps' is never going to happen in this house!

But you survive, it's early days for you but you will quickly find a rhythm and get used to the sleep you do get. My children are worse sleepers than most and I've just got used to it over the years. A lot changes though and this bit will be a distant memory.

A sling is a lifesaver for a clingy baby, it has saved my sanity with this one after my last baby hated it!

It dors get better. Gamechanger for us was when he was big enough to nap in a vibrating chair at about 5 weeks. I think because he was more "held" and was upright, he would sleep longer and more reliably in that. It meant that I could get some sleep on the sofa without him being on me all the time.

You do need to hand him to DH for a few hours when possible to get some unbroken sleep, and as others have said, either try to do little jobs with baby in a sling or else lower your standards for a little while.

I didn't really have any naps in the day as I was just sitting on sofa chilling with my son in arms feeding, changing, cuddling, watching Netflix so even if i had a bad night it wasn't a tiring day. I ate loads and loads of that filled fresh pasta and just fruit and sandwiches and easy things. The only answer is for DH to help and night and to remember the sleep deprivation is really hard but it doesn't last forever!

Heart goes out to you. With my first one, I didnt "sleep when they sleep" as I tried to catch up on domestic chores and a little gardening!

With my other children though, in the afternoon when they had a snooze I laid down on the bed and had a snooze ... it was v lovely and somehow I could let myself relax more.

Not much help ... you will survive, we all do, but not unchanged!