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Original poster

Single motherhood, loneliness.

15 replies

Sparrowlegs248 · 09/02/2020 22:57

Not sure if motherhood is the right word ?

Seperated over 2 yrs from stbxh. 2 young dc. 3 and 4. Ex has had them over night once since leaving.

For clarity, i wanted him to go. He didn't. He made my life a misery, was controlling, moody, argumentative, the most negative person I know. Etc. Didn't want the dc to grow up with that influence full time. His behaviour became much much worse after dc arrived.

I've been fine. I work, he takes the DC 1 day a weekend so I get a "day off" then

The last couple of months though I have become very aware of being on my own in the evenings. I can't go out, as the dc are in bed. He doesn't have them overnight at this stage. My family will baby sit but live quite a way away and my parents don't like driving at night, which I totally understand.

So I don't get out in the evening. My evenings are bedtime, then I'm on my own.

Like I said, I'm suddenly very aware of being alone in the house. No one to talk to. I've noticed a bit of worrying creeping in. About being on my own.

I suppose I see no end to it. I can't imagine having another relationship. Can't see where I'd meet someone. How or when I'd see them .

The evenings stretch ahead of me and it's a bleak prospect.

I don't really know what I'm hoping for with this. Anyone else feel the same, or managed to snap out of it?

OP posts:

funmummy48 · 09/02/2020 23:02

Have you got friends you could invite over to yours? When I was in your position, my friends used to come round to mine and we'd have a meal together or a glass of wine/cup of coffee. I can remember feeling lonely sometimes too but it was always better than being stuck in a dreadful marriage. I did marry again and have more children and after 23 years we're still very happy together so stay positive.

doingeverythingwrong · 09/02/2020 23:03

Notalota not much to help except to say I am in the same position. Separated from ex-dh, home alone every evening. I am in my 40's too and have started perimenopause so feeling a bit sorry for myself as I only have one ds and had always wanted another one but exh was dead against it and now we're not together I can't see it happening at all. All I can say is that give it time and it will get better. Enjoy your dc's while they are young and maybe try and do something fun with the one day exh has them. And come on here for support. x

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 09/02/2020 23:10

@funmummy48 it is definitely better alone than with him here. It was a very lonely marriage. I have a friend who occasionally comes round in the evenings, but all my friends have their own families, young children, and we are quite widely spread, living in a rural area.

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Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 09/02/2020 23:20

@doingeverythingwrong I'm.42

OP posts:

Pipandmum · 09/02/2020 23:33

Can your family stay the night if they come to babysit?
My husband passed away when my kids were 4 and 6. It wasn't hard when they were small - I guess I was just too much on shock and tired with it all, and having to sell the house within a few months etc. After a couple years I probably did feel a bit lonely. But now, ten years on, I'm pretty content. Sure I'd love a relationship, but I've put myself out there, made good friends who I make sure I see regularly. I don't need a man in my life (never have). I listen to my friends moan about their husbands constantly (even women who I believe have good strong marriages still moan). Maybe if I had been married that long I'd be moaning too - who knows.
Your kids wont always be small and so dependant on you. You will have opportunities. But get yourself out of this rut. Stop thinking about meeting a man and start thinking about building a life for yourself regardless of whether there's a man around. Maybe consider moving? I did. I was in London but all my friends had older kids and had gone back to work. I moved 70 mies away and got myself out of my comfort zone.
Shake things up a bit. You are stronger than you think!

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 10/02/2020 03:58

@Pipandmum , thank you. It's taken 2 yrs for me to feel like this, I was just happy to be on my own to start.

The thing is, I'm really not thinking about meeting a man. Friends and family, mostly friends though, ask if I'm going to try online dating, or if I'm interested in meeting a friend or whatever. I'm not. What I meant was, even if I were, I can't see how it would work.

I haven't any room for family to stay over unfortunately.

I suppose this is the result of living with an incredibly unsociable man for so long. My circle has shrunk. That added to being tied to the house makes it very hard.

OP posts:

vhs95 · 10/02/2020 07:10

I'm sorry you are feeling low - I don't think the winter months help either as the evenings are so looong. My daughter was in a similar position with one dc and though I did what I could I know it was a struggle for her. Once dc got a bit older, she signed him up for all sorts of things at local sports centre and cubs and that used to get them out of the house. Being an isolated single mum is not easy and I'm sending you a big hug 🤗! X

BlackeyedSusan · 10/02/2020 09:05

Mumsnet was my saviour when I felt the same. Found a couple of long running threads and joined in on those.

Not the same but did help.

BighouseLittlemouse · 10/02/2020 13:10

Hi Op - no ideas but just posting to say I’m another one in the same boat, although my two are slightly older at 7 and 5. Also am about 2 years from separation and it’s now the loneliness in the evenings has set in with me to. I don’t have any family near by so no one to look after the kids. Agree sometimes I look ahead and just can’t see it getting better.

I have started chatting to friends on what apps in the evenings a bit more - not the same but does help ( similar to you all my friends have families and my other single parent friend is obviously similarly stuck in the evenings!).

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 10/02/2020 22:15

@BighouseLittlemouse thanks, nice to know it's not just me though sorry you are the same. It's odd about the timing isn't it? I've been quite content, enjoying my own time in the evenings.

I suppose I feel a bit trapped, pre children I had hobbies, bit of a social life. I went out a lot in the evenings. Not "out out" but left the house, with friends, on my own, rarely with my husband though.

OP posts:

PseuDenim · 10/02/2020 22:22

Sorry to derail but I’m in the same situation as doingeverythingwrong in that I am nearly 40, with one DS who is an only not by choice. I need advice on how to move forward and accept that is my life now. Generally I am happier without exH but I’m resentful he has moved on and like the OP, I can feel a bit of loneliness of an evening creeping in.

BighouseLittlemouse · 10/02/2020 22:24

Hi @Nottalotta - yes it is the feeling of being trapped.

Feeling very down tonight - had a meeting I had to go to this evening so got a babysitter known to the kids to do their bedtime ( was back at 9). My eldest has some SEN plus anxiety and apparently had a total meltdown at bedtime and trashed his room. So now feeling even more like I will never be able to get out!

One thing I have done that has helped is volunteer for something - it isn’t a weekly thing but requires some of my time every month, mainly in evenings. I’m lucky as I get volunteering leave from work as well so can do the odd morning meeting for it a couple of times a year. It has helped me meet people, and we connect via email/WhatsApp to discuss stuff in the evenings. Definitely makes me feel like I have a bit of a life outside the kids and work!

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 10/02/2020 22:28

@PseuDenim I waited and waited to have DC, my second was an absolute miracle. Defied my age, breastfeeding and contraceptive efforts. Oh and the lack of dtd in my failing marriage. Only takes once and all that. But I'm thankful every day that I have dc2. I know I would have been resentful if I didn't. And actually, i felt that I could end my marriage more easily, if that makes any sense at all

OP posts:

OntheWaves40 · 10/02/2020 22:32

My DC are older (teens) it’s been a long road for me. It’s not a relationship I miss, all my friends have drifted away and now DC are more independent I don’t meet anyone that way either. It can be very lonely at times. I don’t know what the answer is.

milkysmum · 10/02/2020 22:34

Just wanted to say I know how you feel, no real advice as such but I'll be in the look out for some from others too! I separated from soon to be Ex-H 18 months ago, my choice ( emotionally abusive, alcoholic etc), I have 2 children age 11 and 8. I work full time, he has never had them over night, rarely sees them at all really. I get in from work and spend every evening in the house pretty much, I love them and I'm glad he had gone but god it's lonely sometimes.....

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