DH not interested in me after birth of DS

[amazedmummy]

Now I know in the grand scheme of things this isn't a big deal but it's really getting me down.
Prior to DS being born we had a healthy sex life continuing right up until I was too pregnant to want to.
DS is 11 weeks old and was born by c-section. Everything healed nicely, I was signed off to resume normal activities at 6 weeks and I've had absolutely no pain since about week 2/3.
DH has absolutely no interest in me whatsoever. DS is a good sleeper so it's not as if we don't get the opportunity but he just isn't interested. I've tried to have a conversation about how he's feeling (he says fine) but if I try to initiate anything he just isn't in to it so I obviously stop.
Anyway it all came to a head this afternoon, I asked him if he'd like me to install the app for the baby monitor on his phone, he said yes and handed it over. When I unlocked the screen it was open to pornhub. Now rightly or wrongly porn in itself has never been an issue for me but now that he's replacing my stretched out, recently pregnant body with it it's really upset me.
He won't engage in a conversation about it at all, I'm having a bit of a rough time with my mental health at the moment as it is and this has hardly helped.

I’m not surprised you are hurt by this. He is letting you down by not being willing to talk. As a new mum you need to look after yourself. If he’s not going to support and encourage you and build your confidence he needs to go.

What happens when you try to talk about this?

He seems annoyed/exasperated and says I've to stop being daft. To clarify I'm not going in all guns blazing. I calmly told him that what I'd seen had hurt me. He then got up and left the room to load the dishwasher.

do you know why he's not comfortable discussing this issue?

Did he avoid talking about things like that before the baby too? Perhaps he just finds talking about sex in general awkward?

To an extent I think you might be right but previously we could have a conversation if something was really bothering either one of us. I've told him how upset I am but he just doesn't want to entertain talking about it. I mean I'm hoping it's not the case but I really think he just doesn't find me attractive at all anymore. Surely that means my marriage is about do cough splutter and die?

I am not sure if you were aware, it has been discovered that a lot of men have quite significant drops in their testosterone levels when they are a new father (evolutionary wise a good thing...low testosterone cavemen=less temper=less babyshaking...sorry to be blunt - but it makes some sense if a bit grim iyswim).

So that may explain some of the lack of interest.

You do need to talk to him about the rest of it though.

My guess is that he started using porn regularly at the end of your pregnancy when you stopped wanting sex. He probably got addicted and doesn't want to stop.

I don't think it's your fault or anything that you've done wrong. He has selfishly chosen to focus on his own sexual gratification (via an industry which exploits porn actors and degrades women) instead of putting effort into his relationship with you. At a time when you have been through the huge physical and emotional demands of pregnancy, childbirth and looking after a newborn, and need his love and support, he is focusing on himself and not on you. When you told him you felt hurt by this, he chose to walk away instead of listen.

This is the vicious cycle of porn. Selfish men use it to the detriment of their relationships and it makes them more selfish.

You are not unreasonable to be hurt and angry about this. If he refuses to even discuss it, I would be questioning the relationship.

@AnotherEmma he would only have had about a week before delivery so I'm not sure if it would have started before.
He hasn't completely abandoned me and definitely does more than his share of caring for DS when he's not at work. I think it's just a sensitive point just now. My body changed a lot during pregnancy and I'm still coming to terms with it all so it hurt me.

Please don't assume your marriage is about to die. You clearly had loads going for you and will do again.

If he wont talk about it that is really difficult. Lots of things could be going on. It's possible he is feeling thrown by the birth; a lot of men describe finding seeing their partner in pain and unable to help them really difficult, and they also know it would be selfish to moan about it to the actual person who went through all that plus is breastfeeding etc. They're stuck.

Pornhub... well. I think it's a distraction and perhaps a comfort. I doubt very much he feels any less attracted to you except for perhaps shock feelings after the birth.

If you can bear to give it a week or two, think about it, maintain hugs etc and then approach it again... just say you'd like to be closer and would like to have sex... if he still wont talk and blocks stuff, could you suggest he talks to the health visitor,or does he have a friend or brother to talk to?

@PermanentTemporary I had considered that but I had an ELCS with a very smooth recovery, he didn't really see me in pain. I was never in labour. I'm doing my best to maintain things as they were but I don't even want him near me just now. I'm really upset. He doesn't have anyone close to him, he changes jobs often so hasn't really put down roots and made friends yet.

Yanbu to be upset. He can't blame a drop in hormones if hes watching porn. I'd still try and keep talking to him as somethings going on. I'd also ask him how he'd feel if you didn't want to go near him but would quite happily watch other naked men just not him