Please help cant cope

[Copingnotsomuch]

I have an 18 month old and went back to work FT at the beginning of January after a small period of being a SAHM.

I made the decision to return FT for financial reasons and because I thought it was the best thing for DD. We never left the house when I was a SAHM. Very occasional trips to the supermarket or if my DM came and took us out, but that was it. I felt I was failing because DD never got to go outside during the day. I felt like I was holding her back.

I thought if I went back to work FT she would be better off at Nursery. She would get to do much more and be stimulated, etc. I wouldn't be there to hold her back.

I so wanted to be a SAHM. I wanted to take DD for walks, go the park, soft play, play with her, bake, paint, etc. The reality was that we did none of those things.

Even now she's at Nursery, I feel like when she's with me, I'm still holding her back because I'm so anxious. I never let her just be because I'm so worried about her hurting herself. I don't enjoy my time with her because I'm just sitting there, a complete mess whilst she runs around the room, bloody petrified she's going to hurt herself. I only enjoy it when she's asleep or sitting down on my lap, etc. Which is practically never. She hates sitting still. Always wants to be running around playing.

I hate work. I'm struggling to adjust to working full time, running a home and parenting DD. I just can't cope. I hate my job. It's a rubbish job that anyone can do and yet it's stressful, with management putting on lots of pressure. I like my colleagues and even sometimes enjoy doing my job but but mentally, I struggle to cope with the hours, the socialising.

My family says I'm not happy no matter what. I wasn't happy as a SAHM. I'm not happy working. Which, I suppose is true.

I just feel so ruddy miserable and stressed all of the time. I miss DD so much when I'm at work but at the same time it's a relief not to worry about her. I keep thinking I should quit my job, suffer through and it'll be easier when DD gets bigger but DH won't entertain the idea and I suspect he is probably right.

I can't be what everyone wants and needs me to be. I can't be a good Mum. I can't give my all to my job. The stress just writing this makes me feel ill. DH ends up doing most of the housework and cooking after work because I honestly just cant cope. I cant explain it. But that's adds to my guilt and my feelings of failure.

I didn't cope very well at school either. I didn't go very often. I hated it. There wasn't a particular reason, I wasn't bullied or disliked, I wasn't bothered by the work but just having to go every day made me feel ill like I couldn't cope. That's quite similar to how I feel about work.

I just don't know what to do. I keep trying to change and be better at everything but I fail at everything all the time.

My mind just feels so chaotic all the time

Have you thought about getting help for your anxiety. Sounds like you need some help to cope. Why don’t you go and see your GP? How were you before you became pregnant and had you DD? It might be depression

Having a baby/toddler/infant is hard - really really hard. Whether you stay home, work part-time, full-time, it's all hard. I struggled so much, just like you, nothing seemed right. Do ignore family saying you're not happy whatever, because those comments aren't helpful, and they aren't in your shoes so they don't know what it's like to be you right now. Please don't feel it's all you, lots and lots of women go through similar struggles.

Regarding your nervous-ness around your child, you sound very similar to me, I was the same. Part of it is my personality - I want everything to be perfect, I'm hard on myself, so any 'error' (e.g. child bumping their head or tripping up, or not being stimulated enough, or being stimulated too much) I blamed myself and put pressure on myself.

Could you reduce your hours at work? Easier said than done but it could be a way forward?

I'm sure you are a good mum, don't beat yourself up. It's bloody hard isn't it? It gets better as they get older, I promise.

Totally get where you're coming from and my heart goes out to ya as I'm in the same predicament

I'm suffering from both anxiety AND depression and failing at every single aspect of life (i feel life an outsider in my family, poor performance at work, no friends and just miserable overall)

Whilst it's worth speaking to your GP they'll probably just try to push some anti depressants on you when they're unlikely to fix the issue

I'm on it waiting list for group therapy via the nhs and hope to get a place soon

Hope other mumsnet commenters are of more help that I have been but just wanted to let you know you're not alone xx

Thank you all. It's nice to hear I'm not alone in this.

I've always been like this. Though, having a child seems to have made it all worse.

I've never been able to cope very well working. Though, add a child and the problem becomes worse.

I just don't do well at anything. I struggle to even look after myself. Brushing my hair, teeth and getting dressed every day is difficult. Working is the only thing better for this as it forces me to do so. Whilst on Mat Leave and then being a SAHM I didn't do any of those things. I'm now paying the price in regards to my oral health. [Think 10+ Fillings needed].

I have a poor diet which I don't seem to be able to change. There's a very limited amount of food and drink that I can eat. I just cannot tolerate anything else. Again, I seem to be able to only touch unhealthy stuff.

I hate wearing my uniform for work and putting a bra on. I hate anything tight to my skin and I can't stand the material of my uniform.

I just can't get anything right. I'm good at my job, quick and efficient but I sometimes say the wrong things to the wrong people. I'm far too honest and forthcoming. My colleagues think I'm really weird. It was tough at first because they didn't understand me or know how to deal with me. My probation was even extended because of it. But now I'm part of the team, they love and respect who I am. Almost in a protective way. Like they know there's something wrong with me.

I feel so bad for my DD. Like I'm going to damage her because of how I am.

If I do a simple household task or spend 10 minutes with my DD it leaves me feeling mentally drained and exhausted

@CherryPlum thank you. I really appreciate that. Unfortunately no option to reduce hours. I returned after Mat Leave Part Time then quit to be a SAHM. Then when I decided to return to work, I reinterviewed for my old job but they advised that they would be unable to do PT. They wanted FT, someone 100% dedicated, etc.

@Boogbuster my DH keeps gently advising me to see the GP. I'm reluctant. I wouldn't know what to say or where to begin. I've always been and always felt like this but what can they do? The NHS is pushed so much, I don't want to waste their time. I'm not an immediate problem or danger so why would they help me? I hope you get your place soon. Thanks for reaching out x

Ah your self esteem sounds low, I'm sure there are many, many good things about you.

With your eating habits it's ok to have a limited diet but it depends on what foods you are eating. You need nutrients and vitamins for energy obviously but mood levels too. If your diet is poor it'll leave you tired and low. I'm sure you know all that, but could you try adding one 'good' food item to your diet, such as banana or nuts? I don't know how you'd feel about that but I'm thinking it could boost your energy if you just make a tiny change.

I think you should go to your doctor and ask for a referral to behavioural therapies. Just because you’ve always been like this doesn’t mean they can’t help you. You’re obviously not coping with day to day life so it’s time to do something about it.

@CherryPlum I don't think I eat dreadfully but I can't eat any fruits or vegetables. I eat a lot of meat, cheese, eggs, etc. So, it's not too bad but I am overweight and consuming far too much sugar, salt and saturated fat. I'm not active either.

Sorry your feeling this way.
I think to help your dd you need to help yourself.
I too was going to ask about your diet - is it giving you the nutrients and energy you need?
I also think you need a trip to your GP and counselling. Could you afford this privately?
You will not be wasting anyone's time.

GP is a good call. Get DH to go with you, maybe he can help explain, or write it down.
Women are often less easily diagnosed with some conditions than men are, but it sounds to me ( not a doctor or medically trained) that maybe you could be suffering from an undiagnosed disorder, particularly looking at what you say about restricted diet, clothes, and the stress of socializing, and how you interact with colleagues. There may be help out there, in understanding why you are like you are, and how to deal with certain situations.
Do try the GP.

I have been like that myself in the past in terms of too much sugar. Cutting down definately helped my energy and mood levels. I'll never give up chocolate 😀 but I do try to swap cakes and biscuits and stuff like that for things like crackers or oat cake and cheese, or hummous and pita bread. Sugar in the body leaves you craving more sugar. Cutting down sugar is a bit like coming off a drug but once you do it, it's a wonderful feeling.

Myself I have been taking fluoxetine for a few years. It's an anti-depressant but I take it for anxiety. It has changed my life. I know it's not for everyone but it's worth considering. There is a mental health board on here, you will see there are many of us with anxiety. It took me until my 40's to realise I needed help with getting on top of anxiety, I look back now and see that I've had anxiety all my life to one extent or another but kept it to myself, by coping, coping, coping, eventually struggling so much that I knew I had to get help for the sake of my DH and my children. It's not a magic pill but it helped me to think clearly, stopped my 'racing mind', gave me the ability to look after myself more and feel content.

Don't feel guilty by the way about your DH doing housework if you're knackered. It sounds like he's being helpful, that's good.

OP - I really feel for you. It looks like you've been anxious and unable to cope with 'normal' things all your life. I think you may be mentally ill. There is no shame in this, there really isn't. But you do need to seek psychiatric help.

I hope you have a sympathetic GP. Tell him exactly what you have told us here. Maybe even print it out for him/hed. Ask for referrals to a psychiatrist and for counselling.

You can be helped, I'm sure. But first you need to ask for help.

Aw you sound like a lovely lady who just needs a bit of support. See your doc ASAP and have a chat about hoe they can help (but not anti-depressants) Motherhood is really tough, physically, mentally & emotionally. Many mums feel like this . Honestly. Good luck at the docs xxx

Have you had blood tests for thyroid, iron etc.? 100% you will focus better on a diet of unrefined carbs, protein and veg. E.g. make a smoothie with fruit for breakfast. Also take omega 3, magnesium.

Making routine/diet changes will 100% help- making a template week, fortnightly meal plan. Do you have to work full time? Is there flexible working?

Has anyone suggested Autism to you OP. I say that as the mother of an Autistic young adult. Maybe look it up and see if you see any similarities with yourself.

I was also going to ask if anyone may have mentioned autism to you in the past?

Have often wondered if it's PDA that I have. Every time I look in to it, I feel like I'm reading about myself.

I was also going to mention adhd inattentive. I also read about non verbal learning disorder recently which is not recognised as a diagnosis.

I am medicated for adhd and its life changing in terms of being able to focus.

Worth speaking to your gp op.

You should definitely go and see your GP.

I think everyone can feel overwhelmed by motherhood and full time work (or just one or the other!) but it does sound as though you are really struggling. I don't know how easy it would be to improve your diet but it makes a massive difference to me if I eat well (not perfectly!!!) It sounds like there are bigger issues but it can't do many harm to address the basics first - food, sleep and fitness. If you are very overweight then losing some weight 'might' help.
How are your work hours and commute? Is your job physically and or mentally draining?