Is keeping schtum kindest?

[MoralDilemma1234]

Named changed for this as sensitive.

A couple of years ago, I met a bloke on a niche dating site. We chatted online and then via whatsapp. Got on well and progressed to meeting for coffee.

On the first meeting he told me that he is married, but his wife isn't into his niche, so they have an "arrangement". He can do whatever as long as it doesn't affect homelife and he practises safe sex. I was never entirely convinced that his wife was actually aware of the "arrangement" she supposedly had with him, so I didn't get involved.

We did however keep in touch as we had a (totally innocent) hobby in common which we chatted about. Occasionally had a coffee, and became sort of friends.

He contacted me a while ago to say that his marriage had totally gone to shit. His wife was refusing to have sex with him completely, as she had found an old phone which was still linked to his whatsapp. She found texts to two women, one of whom he admitted to sleeping with as per their arrangement. She still went nuts and their marriage is now frosty to say the least.

The bloke messaged me the other day. Saying he has a new "secret" phone and wanted to give me the number. He then propositioned me using language which even now makes me feel sick. I told him not a chance, and that it was a disgraceful ungentlemanly proposition and I was furious. He apologised and I blocked him.

I can't stop thinking about his wife. From what he says, she doesn't want to know what he is up to and it upsets her. But I also feel bad that he has a secret phone she knows nothing about, as she kept checking his ordinary one. He even had my number stored under a man's name despite me not having a relationship with him.

They have kids and he is the main breadwinner. Mortgage all paid off. Mostly I think I should keep quiet and say nothing. But what I do know, because the slime showed me a photo of it before propositioning me, is that he was in a relationship with one of their employees for several years. She is friends with this woman.

I am doing the right thing by keeping my mouth shut aren't I? He is just playing so close to home that I feel sorry for her.

That was long. Sorry.

You hardly know him, he's some random stranger you met on the Internet. You have no way of knowing the truth about his life because he's fed you whatever line he felt you'd accept at the time.

Better to walk away, don't get involved and get on with your life than getting sucked into the drama. His wife could even see you as the bad person, even though you've hardly ever met him - is that what you want?

I know the truth of the photos he showed me fucking another woman who isn't his wife. And I know for sure about the second phone as I have both numbers. He has been very open about his conquests. No I don't want his wife to see me as the bad person, but I want to do the right thing. I know who his wife is but haven't met her. So I could cope with her hating me if people felt it was best she knew. There is no friendship to lose.

All I'd say is don't try to be a 'rescuer'. If you're into OLD you're highly likely to come across these sorts of vile individuals, it isn't your duty to put their wife / gf straight about them.

You seem to be putting yourself under some self imposed obligation of telling or keeping your mouth shut. This is someone else's life, you need to just detach, walk away and block him in every device/account, and not look back. She isn't your friend, it isn't as if you have any obligation, you only know what he's told you.

I'd tell her.
Not a chance they have an "arrangement", she wouldn't bother checking his phone otherwise.

Why let another prick have his cake and eat it.

Just avoid him and keep out of the way. It's his drama, not yours

I see both your points of view which is why I am conflicted.

When he made the crudest, crassest pass at me I have ever received, it truly dawned on me how much he must hold women in contempt. I already knew in theory due to the way he has treated his wife, but to them be on the receiving end was dreadful. Part of me can't bear that he goes through life thinking he is God's gift, and treating women so dreadfully.

But I know that IF what he has told me about her is true, if I did tell her, their marriage would be over. And that feels.like too much to have on my conscience.

But then he is the one doing it, and he is deceiving her at every turn. Even if they do have an arrangement, for her to lose her shit when she found evidemce means that she clearly isn't happy about it. Poor lady.

I know it isn't my responsibility, but I have known for two years and it feels dreadful that a stranger to her knows and she doesn't :(

I don’t know what I’d actually do in your position, but I’d want her to know.

Vile man.

The thing is, she knows he's a slimeball already but hasn't ltb. So how will this info help her at all? She'll just feel rubbish

You should really be asking yourself the question why you decided to become friends with him. Having a mutual hobby is not a reason when someone is obviously scum. You accepted him socially, it made him think what he does is ok.

We all have to bite our lip on occasion and deal with individuals with behaviour we don’t like but he was just a random off the internet.

That's how I feel @Shockers but @KindergartenKop makes a good point. I feel she doesn't have the facts to make a decision though, if that makes sense.

I don't need to ask myself that @Ikora because I know the answer. He didn't reveal all his shittiness to women upfront. I knew about his "arrangement" but some couples do have those so I wasn't going to judge him on that.

I also had a horrendously bad experience prior to meeting him. Due to his knowledge of our "niche" he was able to be incredibly supportive to me and understood in ways that others couldn't. Whilst he has been a shit in many other ways, I will always be grateful for his support at that time. He got me through it.

Then he got depression and physical health issues, and I supported him through that, as I had had depression too. We often phoned and messaged each other. So the friendship grew.

It tailed off a but over the last six months or so as life happened, but exactly how crap he is with women only came out in the last month or so. I knew of a couple of women within the "arrangement", but the stuff I have found out recently totally takes the piss out of his wife in a major way. He is pretending online to be married to someone else in order that he and this lady can attract others to their "niche" as a supposed married couple. Which I think is vile. And the words he used to proposition me genuinely made me want to vomit. Hence I have ended the friendship and blocked all forms of contact.

So it wasn't like "hi, I am a perverted paintball, shall we be mates". Does that make sense?

slimeball not paintball