How often do you do something you really don't want to do?

[Lightlyfebreezed]

Just a weird thought I've had today.

I have to force myself to do things I don't want to do on a daily basis. I have (diagnosed, fairly severe) anxiety, and best way to keep it in check is by frequent exposure to the things that I am most anxious about (driving, being in crowds, training days) I also fit a lot of the criteria for autism, but it's a moot point really, because above all else I'm determined to live a normal life and be as normal as I can.

It's pretty exhausting though, and the times I've tried to explain to people how I feel, I get a "oh yes, I find X stressful too, oh yes I'd rather be cuddled up on the sofa with Netflix than do Y" which I get, but at the same time I don't think they experience basic elements of life as quite the same stomach clenching slog as I do.

Anyway, tomorrow I was meant to do a thing, but the weather is supposed to be terrible, and I have to drive along really horrible roads. I now have a toddler and I have less energy to force myself through the hard bits of life. I have spent the last few days worrying about the travel and dreading doing this thing, so today I decided I'd cancel. A few people may be inconvenienced, but in no big way, and realistically the world will still turn, nobody is going to come and tell me off or shout at me.

That's another thing--I feel like if I cancel/don't do certain things/don't force myself through things, I'm letting myself/other people down, and although logically I know it won't happen, I feel like I will be told off for it!

Now that I've cancelled tomorrow, I feel all adrift, and I'm slightly worried that this will escalate into me cancelling everything and becoming reclusive (I know I know--but at one point, years ago, I did start getting a bit agrophobic).

So what's normal? Since having my non sleeping toddler I've realised that I've been pushing myself too hard and expecting too much of myself. But at the same time, I don't know what's a "normal" level of "oh I don't want to do this, but I will anyway". Every week? Every month?

Some people don't seem to do anything they don't want to, but I don't think that translates well in real life!

I get anxious before social events and nights out so I have to force myself to go and then I enjoy myself. I agree that if you suffer from anxiety you do end up forcing yourself to do things for your own good. My mum, who also suffers from anxiety, has had periods when she just didn't do anything she didn't want to do and ended up sitting in her house on Facebook all day every day.

I think when your entire daily life is more or less dominated by "anti-avoidance" activities like yours is that it's actually important you sometimes give yourself a break from that.

Even though it can feel worrying to give yourself that breathing space and compassionate response of recognising "actually I work damned hard at this stuff every day, I deserve some rest".

I agree that the way you're having to live is not remotely comparable to the examples you've had from other people. It's like if your leg had just been amputated and they said, "oh I know exactly what you're going through, I once had a splinter in my toe".

To address your other question, the frequency is different for everyone. Your circumstances mean you have to do lots of anti-avoidance whereas someone lucky enough not to have anxiety might only occasionally have to go through what you do. There is no normal, just what's appropriate for you and your life.

I think the way you gauge it for you is to ensure you have balance, that you're not pushing yourself so hard there is no space for compassion (or you break yourself), and that you can achieve a quality of life that is right for you (where the anti-avoidance enables you to leave the house etc etc but doesn't leave you too exhausted and worried about letting yourself off the hook you don't enjoy life).