Avoiding a topic politely

[confusedrn]

Hi everyone

I'll try and keep this brief. I'm going out for dinner tonight with DH and his parents. My MIL has recently discovered that my two siblings have not spoken to each other for 2 years and she is desperate to know the details. I don't want to talk about it with her. I've shut her down about it a couple of times (and DH has backed me up) but we've always had the kids around as a distraction so I think she will use tonight where we are on our own with them to grill me and I won't have an escape!

I can be quite binary ie either too polite and not clear enough, or way too assertive (and rude?). She is easily offended. So what's a good way to say please can we not talk about it?

"I don't want to talk about this"

The above is not rude. It is clear. Do not explain or justify yourself.

Thanks for your reply. I think saying that would sound rude though. I'm prepared to admit that's probably just me, but I know she will get the hump with that. You're right though. Clear and direct is the only way to be!

Claim you don’t know? Or pretend to burst into tears when she brings it up and say, through sniffs, that’s it far too painful to discuss and she’s really upsetting you

I've used 'Let's not spoil the evening by talking about this' to avoid topics I know will be contentious or depressing.

If you think she's just being nosy :

"Thanks for your concern, there's really no need to worry. We're all fine."
And repeat.

It should also work if you think she's genuinely trying to help.

Prep a really polite and friendly ‘Oh MIL, I do know you are hoping for the details of x/Y’s silence. However, I hope you won’t mind but this is not my story to share. Please don’t ask me about it? So appreciated. But, I do have some gossip about ....’

I’d say, ‘goodness, I’m not going there tonight-Let’s talk about something else! How’s your new coat/car/telly?’

And rinse and repeat if she asks again. DH can then step in and say, ‘mum, she really doesn’t want to talk about that’.

That’s actually really nosy of her!!

Excellent stuff here folks, thank you!

Have a list of questions you want to distract her with- tv programmes, DIY, kitchen plans, children's stories etc.

And then:
Oh gosh, that's far too boring to go into.
Do you know what, I'm sick of thinking about it.
Families! You know how it goes.

Then
Have you got any family skeletons in the cupboard? Do tell!

Quite tempted with the dramatic bursting into tears thing! 😂

She is quite happy to share her family secrets. She didn't talk to her brother for 15 years and loves wheeling out all the stories and grievances etc. But as a PP said, this isn't my story to share with her. She will start giving ME advice or saying oh they should just sort it out. I know all of that, I'm in the middle of it all as it is. Just too messy to discuss. Plus there's no "one" reason, you know? It's a very complicated situation as these things often are!

"Well, MIL, a few people have asked me about that, and I always tell them to mind their own business."

'I'm not discussing other people's business'. . .

Before you go, have in mind a few topics you can ramble on about and if she asks questions, just go "Oooh, that reminds me" and launch into one of those. It doesn't matter if there is no link at all - that's how conversations work anyway, they rarely follow a logical sequence.

Just tell her "Sorry MIL its not my business to discuss. Nowt worse than gossip".

I would give a flippant "Oh who knows, I haven't got involved, you know what families are like!" Titter titter, flappy hands etc.

Change subject.

'I have no idea. I don't get involved in their drama . Now, what's everyone having for starter?'

Dead eye stare “I can totally understand why people cut family members out”
Keep stare going until she breaks eye contact.

I'm going out for dinner tonight with DH and his parents.

That was your first mistake... good luck OP.

Or make up something REALLY outlandish. Like arguing about who was going to be which half of the pantomime horse, or one caught the other with a sibling in law, joined a cult. See how far you can go

Yes!!!

"We've all had to sign confidentiality agreements as there's a really REALLY high profile celebrity involved and once the court case happens the media will have a field day and we're all going to be interviewed and probably on This Morning, so I really can't say anything just yet...."

I'm really not sure MiL, I try to not get involved in family dramas. My siblings know this so they don't talk to me about it.

I think “it’s not my story to share” is a good response, as you already said up-thread op. And have something else in mind to talk about or ask her a question so there’s no awkward silence.

"I don't want to talk about this"

I know you said you think this is rude OP, but it's not, if said nicely but firmly.

It's rude of her to persist in asking, and sometimes you need to shut people down with a very straightforward response.

Also remember the broken record technique. Don't feel you have to come up with multiple answers. It's more effective just to keep repeating the same thing and wait for her to stop asking.

So very many excellent responses here OP. I've been in v similar situation. I have a sibling that other lovely sibling and I cut contact with. Almost ten years ago now. It took MIL a good two years to get the hint and stop asking. In the end, bored of having to change the subject, went with a genuinely nice, kind, softly spoken "I don't want to talk about this". It worked. DH backed me up too. If she gets the huff, so be it. She doesn't care about how you feel so why care if she's upset?